The Prodigy

I'm not sure if this goes here, it's been a while since I've posted but here it is. The Prodigy

Water from the river flowing quickly
Moving so fast with its strong current
If he were to fall he'd get caught
The prodigy
Standing so close to the edge
Does he want to fall
Is there something keeping him there
Given everything he'd ever need in life
Gifted with nearly every talent imaginable
The gift of music
The gift of writing
The gift of song
The gift of everything but not love
The gift of sports
The gift of knowledge
The gift of friendship
But never love
Cold and lonely on the inside
Full of energy one the out
But as one watches him balance on the edge of the waterfall
One wonders things
One wonders why he's standing there
As the water from the river flowing quickly
Moving so fast with its strong current

Hi,

This was an interesting piece and progressed nicely. I especially like the first line.

I'd just make a few minor changes;
I'd add punctuation, but that's a personal taste thing. I'd read this aloud and put commas where you pause briefly for breath, and full stops when you reach the end of one train of thought.

I like; "Does he want to fall
Is there something keeping him there"
and would add question marks after both questions.

I think;
"The gift of music
...
The gift of friendship"
is too long. Maybe try "The gift of music, writing, song,
sports, knowledge, friendship,"
and move "everything, but not love" to the end of the list. Though I'm not sure you need the list. Maybe try specific images that show the possession of the gifts rather than stating them directly.

I'd change "Cold and lonely on the inside" because it's a bit cliche and "one the" to "on the".

I think the ending works nicely.

Hope this helps,

Jas

In a way, I strongly dislike the idea that someone who is gifted at so many things is denied love - it annoys me. Possibly because I enjoy doing so many things, and trying to do them well...but what you're describing here is essentially the everyman. Superman. And he's not allowed to be loved. That seems rather shallow to me - what if he was able to love even more BECAUSE of his qualities - what if everything he did was like love?

Also - the lines beginning with 'the gift of' really annoyed me, just from the way they looked on the page. Have another look at them - it's not so much the repetition as the aesthetics that get to me. But yeah, avoid repetition wherever possible, too.

I actually like both of your posts, Jas, I didn't even notice that I used "one" and not "on" thanks for pointing that out. I should definitely proofread things more than once. I didn't notice it until now. Because it was blended in so well. Or to my eyes it was. And Navita, nice name by the way. Okay, I kinda did O.D. on "The Gift" part. I'll try to cut back on the repition. I have a hard time doing that. I love the sound of repeating. Though I hate it when someone says the exact same thing out loud. SO maybe I'll try reading things out loud a couple of times before I post it. Thanks for the updates.

Passion

Hey Passion! Nice to see you back.

Yep. Proofreading is your friend. Though I can totally understand if you make lots of mistakes... you should see some of the papers that my professors send back. They are very confused!

I like the image of the river and the waterfall and the prodigy! I also liked the image of him falling off! Now, instead of talking about the gifts that he has (which, yes, you kind of O.D. on, lol,) I would much prefer you to use that image of running water to symbolism his thoughts and his brilliance. I think that would be most excellent.