Cliff Diving

Cliff Diving

The mist danced around her
The wind leaped through the trees
Black hair fighting the wind, jealous
Cheeks roses growing in the snow
Honey eyes shining with the rush
She took a giant’s breath
She flung herself out over the water

This is a poem I wrote for school. I didn't edit it or try to make it better than the first draft, but I would like to know what you think.

Hi!

Before I mention anything further, I notice you've been here for almost two weeks and have done 0 reviews. You may have commented on some works, but they have to be at least 250 characters to count. If you review more, you'll get more reviews.

So, anyway! I liked the idea behind the poem, but the execution was not so great. It's short, so you have to accomplish a lot within a short amount of space. Your ending and beginning were both strong, but the actual meat of your poem was a little dull.

You don't have a subject in any of the phrases, and that can make things a little bit confusing! So, your subject in this case would be the girl, right? Adding the forms of 'she' to each phrase would be a good start!

You should also try to connect the middle phrases, and make them a bit smoother. Take your third to last line, for example. The rush of what? Water? Try to be a little bit more specific. When you go through the rest of the poem, you'll be able to catch what else I'm talking about.

Anyway, I hope this helped, and good luck revising! PM me if you have any questions, and I'm anxious to know what grade you got on this poem!

-Elinor xo

Hi
I really like this poem. Even though it's very you've made a very clear, crisp picture in my mind. it's almost like a scene in a film.

I would like to point out that it is only a picture, not a story or a message. although you may not have been aiming for either.

The poem its self is very well written. It flows very well, it's like linked every line is linked to the next and the lines themselves are very strong and vibrant.

If I were you I would consider lengthening it a little bit. I would be interested to here you describe what it felt like falling, what it felt like hitting the water. All this I think world really strengthen your work

verawinters

Well, it has a lot of potential, but your descriptions are so smothered by cliches that they hurt the poem. "Mist danced" (and mist moves rather slowly, so I don't think dancing works anyway), "wind leaped", "honey eyes shining"– ugh. Find better adjectives and verbs, ones that are unusual; surprise the reader. Don't fall for predictable images.

That said, I think that "Cliff Diving" improves greatly towards the end. Keep those last two lines, and rework the others.

See you around.

–antimelrose

Hey Arahnia! What a lovely name!

And what a lovely concept! Cliff diving has always terrified me, but it's fantastic... I'm pretty sure that if I were to write a poem about this, I would use much more terrified imagery. xD

With that said, it's a lovely poem, but I want more! (Trust me... this is a good thing!) Also, I want to see you more in the poem. Honey eyes, rosy cheeks? That's all fine and good, but is that all? Most people have some sort of "flaw" on them which becomes, to the people they love, an endearing feature. Like, I have an up-turned nose that looks a little piggy. Really! I don't like it, but it's an endearing feature that is mine and makes me recognizable. So more of these personalized descriptions would be lovely... even if they're not the most lovely. Right now, the most interesting imagery is the giant's breath.

So definitely a wonderful start! I would love to see this expanded.

OK So this is the new poem:
Cliff Diving
The mist hid, ripped apart,
a coward against the wind.
Her black hair lashing back,
Jealous
Her cheeks roses growing in the snow,
small Pale lips taut,
Determined.
She took a giant’s breath
flinging herself out over the water.
Below her the water crashed.
Her bright eyes abruptly dulled
as the fear she had ignored swept over her.
No, this was not the way she wanted it to end.
The wind howled with laughter.
Too late.

Please let me know what you think. Now that you pointed out its flaws I can see them better for myself, and I am sure there will be more.  I know I am a slow learner. I am not sure I did the grammar right please let me know! The more comments the better.
I didn’t really have message for this until I rewrote it. The first time it was just a picture in my head. Arahia Siddel

P.S For those of you who like my name on here, Arahia Siddel, I didn’t make it up. UltraViolet, is my friend in person. It is actually a name in one of her worlds. So complement the chef.
P.P.S Thanks for letting me know comments only counted when they were 250 characters or more. I was wondering why mine were not showing up.

A.S., just to let you know, you can edit instead of reposting in the comments.

And yes, I am the mastermind behind the EXTREMELY wonderful name. Did I mention I am A.S.'s most modest friend?

Just thought I'd mention that. No comments toward the actual material since I write strictly fiction short or novel-length stories. Check them out if you want.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET