Michael

Michael

Running down the dock
Thump thump thump
The edge, Push off
Air whistling around me
Splash
Down down down
I am a mermaid
kicking
The surface
Strong arms lifting me up
The sun hot on my back
Again

This poem is a memory of when I was little at my extended family's cabin on Square Lake. I would run down the dock, jump and be saved by my Great Uncle Mike.
A. S.

Hi!

So, I think this was a bit better then your first poem that I reviewed, but you still fell into a lot of the same problems.

There are two instances in the poem where you attempt to create a dramatic effect, but it fails and because it's raw without formatting. If you want to convey something like a splash with words, you have to make it more then just the words, because otherwise it would be just like saying the word 'splash'. Italicize it, describe the noise, do something. The other instance was the 'thump thump thump' at the beginning of the poem. It works better with commas in between each thump, since there's a pause between each one, if you know what I mean.

Secondly, why does 'kicking' deserve its own line. I can see why you did it with splash, but here it just kind of broke up the flow. I mean, whats so important about that word that you feel it deserves its own line? If it's important, our attention should be drawn naturally to it, not because you force it to us.

I don't know what age you were when you wrote this, or whether or not it was your intention not to include grammar. Poets can use it sparsely and it can create a wonderful effect. Here, it did not. I think that I would like to see what this poem would be like with the grammar and punctuation. It would probably enhance your imagery a ton since we'll focus on that and not the lack of grammar and punctuation.

Again, I enjoyed reviewing this piece. PM me if you have any questions, and good luck revising!

-Elinor xo

Hey Arahnia!

Actually, I like the other poem that I reviewed better. Although this has a cute story associated with it, you had to tell the story at the end for us to understand what was going on. I would like to know what's happening, just by the poetry. So I think this poem needs a little bit more detail. Don't be afraid to tell us things.

Tanks for the advice. Thats why I posted it. I was probably 8 when I wrote this.I will take another look at it and post it again

what i liked with this poem was the resonance of the nature's sounds

ArahniaSiddel wrote:Thump thump thump
The edge, Push off
Air whistling around me
Splash
Down down down

it creates a powerful image in my mind.
anyways, all in all it hink this could be improved on. the exposition of the character's depth and michael's is somewhat insufficient. you have nice choice of sounds in words but i do not see any "blip" that could have make me remember this one. although as i have said, you have a good work with the assonance.
you got what it takes, you just have to let it out, do not restrain yourself.

Hello there, Arah!

An interesting poem to read.

I am a mermaid
kicking
The surface

I liked this line. It's a good way of having a metaphoric line.

Did the boy run and swim into the water because he wants to escape or he just want to swim? I think, you should tell more about the situation. And why suddenly a man would lift him out of the water?
So I see this is based from a memory when you're still a kid. Anyways, I'm just confused but I get the point of this poem.

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!