Your Voice

I sat on a rusty bench
I felt the warm breeze and the blazing sun
I took a fresh air through my nose
And I heard the children’s laughing,
Sound of the footsteps,
Soft rustling of leaves,
Hushed crying of a woman,
Pack of dogs barking,
Endless gossiping,
Teenage girls cheering,
Lovers saying sweet things


but…


I couldn’t hear your angelic voice
The one I’ve been searching for
I never even had the chance
To touch you, feel you…


I waited…


For a sound,
A voice from you...


Nothing.


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Spoiler

The woman's blind.

Hoping for your feedbacks, comments, reviews, etc.
Thank you for reading guys!

Hey Yuri! I love this work, especially the title it fits the Poem really well. I can feel what the woman is trying to say. Keep up the good work!

~ Vita

Hi,

This is an interesting piece. I really like the first line and the last four.

I think that for the type of piece this is you should really be more descriptive. I'd get a pen and cross out anything that sound like something you've heard before, for example;
"I felt the warm breeze and the blazing sun,
I took the fresh air"
and I'd give each experience more time, really going into what things sound and feel like in detail. I think that it would help to have some similes in here so experiences could be understood through links created between them, for example, how does the rusty bench differ from other benches? What does it feel like?

Spoiler

If this woman is blind, she's going to be relying solely on her senses of hearing and touch and smell and even taste so try to really overload all the reader's other senses so there's a noticeable absence of imagery which becomes glaringly obvious at the very end.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Hey Yuri!

So, she's blind, eh? This means that you've only did a fourth of the poem! She still has taste, touch, and smell! And trust me... you remember these when you're missing a lover as well. Have fun with this!

Also, I think the abruptness is... well... abrupt. I don't quite like it! I would rather see no italics or one word lines, just because it's kind of a clunky transition. And clunky transitions are not good! Play around with this and see how well you can avoid these sorts of transitions... it'll make your poetry that much stronger, trust me!