Splash of color

Rayen ambled down a cobble stoned corner. The rain poured down from the gray sky, and soaked her.

She had an umbrella with her, but it was protecting four small bodies walking in front of her, guarding them under a rainbow canopy.

Rayen herded them down the streets the way a sheepdog shepherds a flock of sheep. Her flock was a mix- match bunch of kids.

Two boys and two girls. Both boys had near black hair, and tanned skin, the only difference between them was eye color, one had flaming blue eyes and the other deep black eyes.

The girls were much the same, one had auburn hair and the other brunette, both had ivy green eyes.

A abnormal sight on the streets of Chicago, but that wasn’t the only unusual thing about them.

“Holly, where are they?” Rayen asked the auburn haired girl

“About 250 yards away from us and closing in,” Holly said with her green eyes squinting in concentration

“Silas, Skye, I need you to be ready, if they get us I want you two to run, okay?” Rayen whispered

“I will be ready.” The boy with blue eyes assured Rayen. The brunette nodded as he said that.

“200 yards,” Holly said under her breath

“Jack? Are you ready?” Rayen asked the last child

“I ca… can’t,” Jack stuttered

“Remember what happened last time you said that?” Silas said, “We lost Michael,”

“100 yards, they’re running now,” Holly said. They heard shouts coming closer

“Jack you need to try,” Rayen demanded

“Okay,” Jack said with tears and rain streaming down his face, “Look in my eyes,”
They all stared into his eyes, and then they were gone, the blackness had taken over them.

The umbrella danced in a puddle. The only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.

Hi there! I'm Hawk, and I'm here for a review.

First off, you've got an interesting start. I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, and it's definitely intriguing enough to make me want to read more.

However, your descriptions all seemed very hurried, like you were shoving it at the reader so you could get on with the action. As the writer, you want to incorporate the information with the story in a fluid manner.

Also, right now there's no one I feel really connected to. I don't know what anyone's feeling or thinking; right now I'm just watching a young woman (I'm guessing) with four children being chased. I need at least one person to empathize with; that's what keeps people reading, or watching a movie, for that matter. If there's no one they care about, then they'll get more bored, no matter how amazing your plot is. So I'd like to have more dimension to your characters.

My comments are in blue:

Bandgeek wrote:Rayen ambled down a cobble stoned corner. The rain poured down from the gray sky, Comma is unnecessary here. and soaked her.

She had an umbrella with her, but it was protecting four small bodies walking in front of her, guarding them under a rainbow canopy.

Rayen herded them down the streets the way a sheepdog shepherds a flock of sheep. Her flock was a mix- match bunch of kids.

Two boys and two girls. Both boys had near black hair, and tanned skin, the only difference between them was eye color, one had flaming blue eyes and the other deep black eyes.

The girls were much the same, one had auburn hair and the other brunette, both had ivy green eyes. This is a massive info dump, and sounds rushed to boot.

An abnormal sight on the streets of Chicago, but that wasn’t the only unusual thing about them.

“Holly, where are they?” Rayen asked the auburn haired girl

“About 250 yards away from us and closing in,” Holly said with her green eyes squinting in concentration

“Silas, Skye, I need you to be ready, This should either be the start of a new sentence, or you should use a semicolon. if they get us I want you two to run, okay?” Rayen whispered.

“I will be ready.comma” Tthe boy with blue eyes assured Rayen. The brunette nodded as he said that.

“200 yards,” Holly said under her breath.

“Jack? Are you ready?” Rayen asked the last child.

“I ca… can’t,” Jack stuttered.

“Remember what happened last time you said that?” Silas said,. “We lost Michael,.”

“100 yards, they’re running now,” Holly said. They heard shouts coming closer

“Jack you need to try,” Rayen demanded

“Okay,” Jack said with tears and rain streaming down his face, “Look in my eyes,”
They all stared into his eyes, and then they were gone, the blackness had taken over them.

The umbrella danced in a puddle. I'd change the period to a semicolon.The only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.

I love the last sentence; way to wrap it up and leave me hanging at the same time!

So, not much for me to pick at. One thing I noticed was that your dialogue punctuation needs some fixing up. Check out this awesome link about those trippy little rules (I use it all the time!): topic44898.html

Hopefully this helps! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Thanks for the advice!

Hey Bandgeek! The ending was a very good cliffhanger... made me wonder what was going to happen next.

The next thing you're going to want to do is make the beginning sparkle. Right now, it's a little dry in the beginning because we're not aware of the conflict. So just dump us in! It'll be cooler that way.

Nice ending though... very captivating!

Heya!

This isn't going to be a very thorough critique, mostly because there isn't much to critique! Your grammar is pretty much perfect and I'm really liking this idea.

Like Hawk said, I'm not too sure what's going on in this, but that just makes me want to read more. There's a good cliffhanger on the end which adds a great effect to the entire story! I also loved the last line.

My only slight critique is that your descriptions seem to be kind of rushed. When describing, make sure that you take your time! Remember, the descriptions are just as important as the action. Although, don't end up writing giant, annoying clumps of descriptions. That really bores the reader.

Overall, I thought that this was very well written. All you need to do is maybe fix up your descriptions a bit and this could be seriously great!

Sorry this has been kind of short!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Heya.

Red is bad, green is good, and blue is comments on the both of them. Orange is just changes.

Bandgeek wrote:Rayen ambled down a cobble stoned corner. The rain poured down from the gray sky, No need for commaand soaked her.

She had an umbrella with her, but it was protecting four small bodies walking in front of her, guarding them under a rainbow canopy.

Rayen herded them down the streets the way a sheepdog shepherds a flock of sheep. Her flock was a mix- match No space bunch of kids.

Two boys and two girls. Both boys had near black hair, and tanned skin, the only difference between them was eye color, one had flaming blue eyes and the other deep black eyes.

The girls were much the same, one had auburn hair and the other brunette, both had ivy green eyes.

A abnormal sight on the streets of Chicago, but that wasn’t the only unusual thing about them.

“Holly, where are they?” Rayen asked the auburn haired girl

“About 250 type out numbers, unless it is for picturesqe purposes. Since this is in dialogue, I would type it out. ex. two hundred and fifty yards away from us and closing in,” Holly said with her green eyes, squinting in concentration.

“Silas, Skye, I need you to be ready. If they get us I want you two to run, okay?” Rayen whispered

“I will be ready.” The This is right after dialogue, and since this isn't a noun, the t needs to be lowercase. boy with blue eyes assured Rayen. The brunette nodded as he said that.

“200 same as above. yards,” Holly said under her breath.

“Jack? Are you ready?” Rayen asked the last child.

“I ca… can’t,” Jack stuttered.

“Remember what happened last time you said that?” Silas said, “We lost Michael.”

“One hundred yards, they’re running now,” Holly said. They heard shouts coming closer.

“Jack you need to try. Rayen demanded.

“Okay,” Jack said with tears and rain streaming down his face, “Look in my eyes,”
They all stared into his eyes, and then they were gone, the blackness had taken over them.

The umbrella danced in a puddle. The only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.What a cool ending

Cool story. But... the problem is there is a lot of stuff that isn't explained. Who is coming toward them? Why do they need to leave? What is it that Jack can do? There is a lot of stuff missing and it doesn't make sense. Please elaborate more.

Also, you have forgotten to place a lot of periods. That looks VERY bad. Please do so next time.

Otherwise, it's a neat concept you have. I suggest you expand on it.

Thanks everyone! I know have a edited version of this. So please comment on that not this. Thanks
Bandgeek

Even though Ranger Hawk pretty much gave you all you needed to improve this story to you, I just stopped by to tell you that I enjoyed this story quite much. So I am looking forward to a sequel that you might consider.

Other than that the only problem I had was the fact that the story made it feel to me as if it were part of a bigger story and the shortness of it overall.

I hope that I helped(even if a little), and I hope you have a nice day and/or evening.

By the way, sorry for not reading your comment.