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Last edited by jackle on Wed Jun 23, 2010 12:10 pm, edited 4 times in total.
check it out - novel.php?id=1132




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Hey jackle!! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, life is uber busy at the moment. Anyway, on to the review!!

Okay, first, I'm going to go ahead and say some of the grammar and conventions and what not were not really well written and, you know, correct.

jackle wrote:“What happened?” I groaned. I didn’t expect an answer. I already knew that this was what happens when ‘civilized’ humans were left to rampage. “Time changes things,” Kasia replied. This part where Kasia is speaking should be in a new paragraph because the speaker changed. I looked at her but she wasn’t there anymore, in her place was a wolf. “And with time we change too,” the wolf said in Kasia’s voice.


And somewhere around the end of this chapter there's a teacher speaking and he tells the girl that there's help, but you spelled a word wrong. It's "counselors" not "councillers". I think that's the only spelling error I found in the entire chapter.

jackle wrote:Everything here had changed over the years; the narrow paths we had worn through the trees were now wide and bare from over-use of other people. They were littered with rubbish that crows found meals in and huge sections of the bush had been burnt and were now black and bare. This part is well written and the description is enough for the reader to actually picture the scene, so good job on that :smt001 .


There were a couple of instances when your word choice wasn't exactly the best and made the plot weak, also, it distracted from the story.

jackle wrote:It was so unlike her. Other than her empty face she was the same; same army green cargo shorts, splattered with purple paint. Same black t-shirt saying ‘One tough cookie’. Same decrepit pink sneakers. Same hair style – up. Same black and purple Billabong hat. Can you guess what I'm getting at? You use the word "same" about six times in this paragraph as well as one more time in the first line of the next. I understand that you were trying to emphasize that Kasia hasn't changed, but you overused the word. One or two times is good, but more than that is exaggerated and the reader gets bored with the unvarying sentences.


Oh, another note I want to make is that the italics in the last half of the chapter should really rather be on the first half. The first half is a dream, therefore not reality. Reality is what belongs in italics and since Zeda is remembering the memory, it's happening in the present, so it should be in regular text style.

One more thing, it was very fast paced. You sort of only touched on the subjects at hand and then zoomed right on by to the next. Her reaction to Kasia's disappearance is good, but too short. When she almost jumps from the bridge, the scene is very... disorientating. She describes how she wants to jump and then she just says, "The truth was I wanted to live. I liked living. Living was good" and falls back down to the bridge. It's too fast. And I'm not sure if "wailed" would be the appropriate word for the second to last line. Why would she cry to Phil? It doesn't make sense.

Overall, it was a good chapter, just a little short. PM if you have any questions about this and keep me updated on the progress of this story.
dianne :smt003
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me



I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec