A War of Love

If you like this chapter depends on if I post the rest so please enjoy.

1

My heart goes to the art of magic. The spells and charms are all I live for. No woman can take its place. Now I prepare to fight the sister kingdom. They have stolen our sacred crystal and now we are ready to fight to get it back.

I stand and stare into the pool of tears. Looking at myself... I great warrior I am thanks to Father. I rub the tigers eye stone at my finger and feel its magic tingle through my body. I was ready! I am walking down the dark catacombs to the war room. While I am walking I begin to think of who my opponent will be.

Will it be a fairy or a goblin? Or a creature beyond power...an Org? I swallowed my fears and entered the room. Busy creatures, fairies, tigers, and hobgoblins carried arm loads of swords, spears, and arrows preparing for battle. Each of them ready to fight for their kingdom and king. Not all of us would be returning...maybe not even I. I walked through the crowd to a big leather bound book sitting on a white white slab.

As I got closer and closer to the book each of the creatures began to bow towards me. Such loyal subjects I have. I opened the book and stared out over the crowd.
"Today we prepare for war...and we are going to retrieve our crystal!" I yelled throwing my fist into the air.

The creatures went wild cheering and wooing in agreement. "Some of us may not return. But to die for our kingdom is to die with honor!" The cheering continued even louder than before. I waved my hands for them to quiet down. "Your King will not stop even if I lose my wings and my hands! The magic is strong in the each of us."

I stared out at the creatures, they were ready to begin. At my finger the stone pulsed with golden magic. I held out my hand with the ring on it out over the the crowd. "I ask you for some of your magic so that we will conquer the crystal!" The creatures closed their eyes and their magic began to leave from their bodies.

Red, blue, yellow, and all the colors of the rainbow filled the room swirling in a circle. I closed my eyes and the ring blazed gold and it began to suck in the magic the creatures were giving me. I began to feel the magic pulsing through me. The fears, the questions,the pain were all fading away.

I opened my eyes and at my finger the ring pulsed on and off. I looked at the creatures and threw my fist into the air. "For magic, for the power, for our kingdom!" I chanted. The creatures all chanted it back to me and ran out of the room. I slowly walked out of the room to the courtyards where the creatures stood ready to go. I picked up my sword and put it around my back. I held my fist into the air and we all ran out of the kingdom. Leaving it behind and all hopeing to return.

Hey observer!

First of all, you really need to check for silly typos and such! I recommend writing in something like Microsoft Word, which will underline a word red whenever it's wrong. Obviously, it's not perfect, but some of the mistakes in here would be easily caught with such a feature!

Now, the story! Right now, you start with a king rallying up his people! Cool beans! However, for a start of a story, it's a little bland. I would like a little more action in it... less talking and more fighting, if that makes sense. It'll make your story that much more captivating... and you really want to captivate us! It is the first chapter, after all!

Much luck!

This sounds like it could be an interesting story and could definitely be developed into something. For starters I'd say the best thing would be to add more detail and description to exactly what is going in the opening. What is the main character? A king, a general, etc? Who are they fighting? What makes the crystal sacred, why would someone want to take it in the first place? I'm not saying you need to answer every one of these questions in the first chapter, but they're definitely important things to think about. Also I would go into greater detail about the setting/creatures. Goblins and faeries and pretty general ideas, and visually they could be anything, so some more detail there would be good.

As far the as the actual writing, some parts sound kind of repetitious with the "I did this, I did that" pattern. For example:

I opened my eyes and at my finger the ring pulsed on and off. My gaze fell upon all looked the creatures raised my fists to the air and chanted, "For magic, for the power, for our kingdom!". My subjects repeated the chant vehemently and then began marching out of the hall. Slowly I followed them out to the courtyards where they stood in formation, awaiting my orders. My sword lay a top the stone enclosure around the courtyard, and I reached for it gingerly and secured it to my back. The battalion of soldiers prostrated before me were watching my every move, as they had so many times before. Once more I raised my fist to there and rallied my troop's spirit before beginning our march out of the kingdom. A march directly into the face of death, from which many of us would not return. Though we all hoped we would.

Just a quick run through of the last paragraph to give you the general idea of what I mean. It's good to use a diversity and variation in sentence structure, as it makes the writing more vibrant and creates a better flow to the work.

Overall I'd say you've got a good basis here, and with some added detail and embellishment it could definitely be good. Keep it up!

Hi there observer! Lily here!

First of all, I’ve got just one tiny little nitpick.

I was ready!

You changed to past tense here which means that ‘was’ should just be ‘am.’


Overall
This definitely sounds like it will be a cool action-filled story…in three chapters once the fighting gets done. Like what Snoink said, start in action. Find a place that will grab readers and shake them until they pay attention to you.

Another thing to pay attention to is repetition. A thesaurus is a wonderful tool and will help you make your writing seem more diverse.

And what Snoink had said about Microsoft Word is definitely really helpful. Spell check is a writers best friend.

This was a decent story, but lacking in some areas and sometimes confusing. When you say "pool of tears", what exactly do you mean? An actual pool filled with nothing but tears? Someone's a crybaby. The "fight to

The creatures went wild cheering and wooing in agreement.

You don't "woo" in agreement. Woo means, "to seek the favor, affection, or love of, esp. with a view to marriage."

Also, you could do with some emotion. How does your character react as all his subjects prepare to fight and die for him? Do tears of joy stream down his face, or is he too tough for that, but is happy nonetheless?

Thanks guys! I'm going to take your advice. Chapter 2 is going to be better. Plus it has a twist but... I have to be lol

2

The wind blew furiously across the dry dusty desert. My long midnight hair whipped in all directions as I looked out over the sky. The second Sun slowly rose its way into view, making the rich tan sand shine like gold. I was ready for battle. Even if I was the one to start it, I stole their precious Moon Stone.

In and out in a matter of seconds, unseen. Thats why I am the best fighter out of the kingdom, and destroying the Fairy Price would make it much clearer. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. Around my neck the ruby stone pulsed in on its silver chain.

"Are you ready?"

I looked out the corner of my eye at the handsome elf. "Yes I am Zhar. Are you?"

He rumbled his brown hair with his hand and smiled at me. "Some what. You know what they say about the Prince don't you?"

Looking back out over the desert I replied "No."

"Best mage ever." he replied.

I turned to him and stared him into the eyes. "The Prince is not the best mage. I am! On the battlefield today when I kill him and cut off his wings as a souvenir it all will be crystal clear!" My ruby jewel exploded in a fiery glow of light sending a hue of red reflecting off his face.

Zhar backed away slowly with terror in his eyes. My jewel slowly started to fade back to normal as I calmed down. I turned around looking out over the desert waiting on the Princes arrival.

"Just because they said you couldn't do what you wanted just because you're a girl doesn't call for all this Tera." Zhar said calmly.

"I will prove them wrong."

Zhar sighed and looked out over the desert with me. "Blood shed over something so small?"

"Zhar, I have a plan to stop the war if it rises to that point. So relax."

He drew his sword from his hostler. "I hope you do."

I glanced over at him angerly. Was he starting to underestimate me too?

"No I'm not underestimating you." he said with a chuckle.

I tensed up and smiled at him shyly.

"I have a jewel too remember?" he said showing me the sapphire gem at his wrist. "Just remember that the Prince is full of surprises Tera.

I swallowed hard and watched the sun make its way higher into the sky. Did I start this war for all the wrong reasons?

Nice! This is interesting. I have to say though, since you're talking in past tense, be extra aware of how you're writing. Example...

That's why I am the best fighter out of the kingdom

You said I am not was. Don't forget to keep tslking in past tense. Otherwise, I liked it! Keep it up!