Renegade children page 2

My ears began to twitch at a strange set of footsteps, ones I thought I’d never hear again, “Everyone down!” I hissed.
“Ali-!” Sam started before I clamped his mouth shut with my hand.
I waited; each breath I drew grew sharper and panicked, my body growing tense with each passing second…
Sam’s arms wrapped around me, an attempt at comfort, but a miserable fail.
His posture, breath, heart beats, and the way he took me in his arms was tense, fast, and his embrace was too strong, he practically crushed me.
I looked around to see the faces of all the children. Lucy curled into Erya, whose face was white as chalk, her arms trembling as she held Lucy close. Jake and Remmy crouching, trying to be fearless, but their eyes, shaky movements, breaths and heart beats revealed everything, they were just as scared as the rest of us. Gotta give them some credit though, they were trying. Jet on the other hand was in a corner, curled up in a ball, about to have a heart attack.
Jared was still glaring at Sam, Dean merely sat in a corner and watched Jet. Eventually we all had one thing in common. Our faces were all the same, wide eyed, trembling lips…
I heard more footsteps approach, it sounded like an army, then the click of a gun being loaded and ready to be fired at the first sign of movement.
“We have to find them! I only want Alice, you can kill the rest of them! And if you want one of them, I don’t really care, as long as I get Alice,” I heard that once soothing voice, the voice of my only friend when I was younger.
I flinched back instinctively as I heard his words.
His words, they pierced through my heart, knowing that soon my family would be dead or tortured and I’d be back with my father.
“Here’s what we’re gonna do…” His voice trailed off, his words fading into an unintelligible mumble.
Then I heard them turn and leave, their guns disarming, their threat minimizing, finally letting me relax.
“Thank God,” I whispered, still frozen with fear.
“Alice? What was it?” Jet tugged at the bottom of my shirt.
“N-Nothing, just go and check on the boy…” I couldn’t let them know that they were to be dead or tortured… I couldn’t do that to them, but keeping it from them wasn’t helping either. I didn’t know what to do…

Hey!

I apologize in advance if the review is so short, but I only have one minor qualm. Your attempt to build suspense in this part is...failed, for the most part. You only mention the footsteps twice. The first time to you is good. But the second time the effect is killed with ellipsis and the description. If you just say, 'footsteps', we'll get the picture. Also, why are the footsteps never mentioned again? I could care less for the annoying dialogue. This could be a page with very little, if any, dialogue. You could go into detail about faces frozen with fear, the sounds of the footsteps, and guesses or thoughts from the MC as to what she thinks might happen.

This has got such a creative premise, and I only want it to get the attention it deserves.
PM me if you need anything.

-Elinor xo

Hi there quest! Finally made it to review this. All right, so I'm starting to get a feel for your characters in this part; this isn't as telling-heavy as the first part of this I reviewed was, which seems to be a step in the right direction.

But the suspense isn't working here--and diving straight in, I feel really lost when reading this. I read the first page of this too, and I'm just going to talk about both pages in this review, okay? I think we're dealing with overall issues here, not necessarily specifics, so a lot of this is going to encompass both pages.

All right--first I'm going to be talk about pace and description. You seem to have a fast, crisp writing style that really accelerates through the action, and that's not bad. Personally, I lean towards the heavy side of description, but keeping it light and clean can be done very well too. Here, however, it isn't workin. Because fast pace, suspense and the feeling of diving straight into a story don't come from bare-bone, general sentences. These effects come from concise, selected details inserted to give you the image in a flash rather than slowly developing it. The trick to writing with fast pace isn't stripping sentences bare--it's making sentences clean and to the point. This is in regards to the suspense which I sense you are mostly trying to achieve in the second page. As for the first page, I really think you just need to slow down. All the characters are getting confused and the narrator isn't shining with her voice and the setting is obscure right now because it feels like you're rushing through the beginning, when there is really no need to rush.

So, right now the beginning feels too fast and the suspense isn't working because it doesn't contrast the flow of the beginning and it's working in vague sentences, not concise, specific ones. Don't be afraid to slow things down! And details are important!

“But Alice! All of the others are worried about you, and you aren’t making them go away! Do you hate me?” His lower lip started quivering as he started to cry silently.
“Aw, Jet,” I hugged him close, “I could never hate you.”
“Then tell me Alice…” He looked up.
“I don’t think so, not right now, but please check on that boy for me, and don’t worry, not about me, not about anything.”
He turned to walk to the cinema, our infirmary, on the other side of the roof.
I caught a glimpse of Jared glaring at me in Sam’s arms.
“Jared,” I started as he walked through another entrance, to his room, and abandoned music shop, “Please come with me, finish the game at least…”
“I can’t, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Take a look at this part as example. We get some character development rapidly, too rapidly to give us a good feel for the character. Then suddenly we're back in suspense mode, but we feel no tension because the calmer character development doesn't contrast the tension. Really think about pacing here! Also, details--the characters aren't coming across very strong right now because it feels so all-around rushed and the story is lacking relevant details, details such as body language, facial expression, narrative interjection etc.

Drawing the reader into the story isn't achieved by telling the story at breakneck speed. It's achieved by working with well-rounded characters that you develop well and pacing the story so that the suspense grabs the reader and the calmer moments leave them in a sort of interested doldrum. Sort of like a roller coaster--if the ride didn't change speed at all, it would be boring. As with writing. The power of prose is its ability to cater to how the writer wants a portion of the story to be perceived. Suspense may move faster. Moments that are meant to be calm and foreboding may move slower. A lot of this comes with practice, but it's something to keep in mind when you work on this.

I hope that helped explain what's going wrong with the pacing here! Right now it's moving too fast, and there's no contrast between the suspense/action and calmer moments. So, in summary, think about pacing. Mess with it, experiment. Learning comes through experimenting, so it's okay if it's not perfect the first time. Also, don't achieve fast pace by working with bare-bone, vague sentences. Concise, well-selected details are the key to developing character, setting and plot well in a story.

So, take your time with this! Don't be afraid to slow things down and keep these things in mind as you revise! Nice start here and keep writing! Please PM me if you have any questions!