Fully Alive

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Fully Alive

Have you ever got the feeling like someone is always with you? But when you turn around no one is there, I do. I was fifteen when my house burnt down; the flames took my family too. I had mother, Carla; a father, peter and a sister, Alex. It has been a year since the fire, which means I’m sixteen soon. I now live with my aunt and uncle in their mansion in Halifax Country which is in North Carolina.
“Cassie! Detective Pete would like to talk to you!” My Aunt Annie shouted from downstairs, her voice echoed a little before it completely disappeared. I open my eyes immediately after hearing who would like to talk to me. I jump out of bed and race to my closet, I strip off my pajamas and I grab my jeans, blue tank top and black sneakers. I rushed to get dressed; it has been three months since I last spoke to Detective Pete about the investigation of the fire. Maybe. Just maybe, they have found who started, it or what started it.
“Cassie! Are you up there?” I hear my Uncle shout. I thought he was at work, he owns a major expensive hotel in town called Paradise.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back, I was now pulling on my sneakers. I stand up and just I was about to leave I look over to my bed, it was still unmade. I sigh and quickly pull my sheets straight and re-tuck them under my huge double bed mattress. I reached over to the other side of my bed to retrieve my duvet; it was turquoise with a dark red stripe going through the middle. Once I had fluffed and put the pillows back on my bed, I ran out of the huge white door out my bedroom. Jogging down the hall I noticed out of the year I have been living here the floor was actually wooden. I take my time going down the marble stair case, I didn’t want to take any chances falling over and down the stairs while Detective Pete was here, the stair case had always been so slippery. I entered the living room where my Aunt, Uncle and Detective Pete where sitting. Pete stood up; his suit he was wearing was a navy color and a pink tie hung from his neck, an ID was hanging by a clip of his breast pocket. He had a ginger beard and fiery red hair.
“Cassie,” He shook my hand “It’s nice to see you again,” After shaking my hand he stuck it back n his pocket.
“Some sit down next to me, honey” I looked over at my Aunt Annie, her bright smile seemed to light up her whole face. She had Honey blonde hair with the boldest gold eyes I have ever seen, she wore a light yellow summer dress, and her feet were bare. She looked a lot like my Mum; I took a seat between my Uncle and her. My uncle had bleach blonde hair with pale blue eyes; he wore board shorts with a velvet red robe over it. They were such a happy couple, considering they were only in their later twenties.
“Cassie, I’m here to tell you that the investigation of the fire has gone cold” Pete interrupted my thoughts. What did that mean? Had they found who or what caused it?
“What does that mean?” I asked, my voice sounded confused.
“It means that there isn’t enough evidence to support the investigation any further, sweetheart” My Uncle put his arm around my shoulders “The case has been closed” I felt like someone had just cut me open and ripped my heart out.


#FF0000 ">To be continued...
Last edited by Smexaykk01 on Fri Apr 09, 2010 11:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi,

I don't like this. You ended where the conflict was beginning. I can tell you tried to have an emotional center, but I just kinda thought, "Oh, poor her," and not really much beyond that. Also, there isn't enough time to dive into character; it's more just a cliche, dull narration with pointless descriptions throughout.

1. NITPICKS

Have you ever got the feeling like someone is always with you? But when you turn around no one is there, I do.


No idea what this is supposed to mean. I just kind of think you didn't know what to write and wanted sound artsy and have an interesting hook. It's really just confusing, I think.

I had mother, Carla; a father, peter and a sister, Alex.


Do the names really matter in the story? Besides, this feels to list-y. Maybe you could say something like, "My parents were both killed, as well as my sister."

It has been a year since the fire, which means I’m sixteen soon.


Your reader is not stupid. You already said she was 15 at the time of the fire one year ago. We can do the math.

I now live with my aunt and uncle


Cliche. I mean, how many stories have you read where orphans have lived with their aunts and uncles? Couldn't these be like, grandparents, a godparent, or could she be adopted?

Aunt Annie


Like, Auntie Annie pretzels? You can do better then that.

fiery red hair.


Fiery red is also a cliche.

boldest gold eyes


I've never seen anyone with gold eyes before in my life.

“Cassie,” He shook my hand “It’s nice to see you again,”


This isn't punctuated properly. First, you should have a dialogue tag. So, "Cassie," he said, shaking my hand. "It's nice to see you again." - with a period, not a comma, since it's the end of a complete line of speech.

2. FINAL THOUGHTS

It's got incredibly wasted potential, I'll tell you that. Cut out the unnecessary descriptions, like that of Aunt Annie and the detective. Also, if you want to add simplicity and mystery to the story, I'd suggest not giving the detective a name. Right now, he just seems like the pompous kind of police officer who is constantly stuffing his face with doughnuts. Aunt Annie doesn't contribute anything to the plot, so she could probably be cut out as a character. The uncle, too. You could structure your story in two clear parts-have a first half be a flashback to the actual fire and her escaping from it. Have the second half be a longer, straight conversation with cold dialogue. I think it should also go on from where you ended it, as I am dying to know more.

Anyway, PM if you need anything.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hi, your story is okay but really short! I like the first paragraph, but I don't get what it has to do with the rest of the story. The middle is okay but I found it a little bit boring, and I don't like the ending, you should have ended it in another way, To be continued just as the suspense starts? Anyways, next time try to have more scenes happening in your story because I really got bored when I was reading the middle part, and I think you could have made the ending better, but that still depends of what you decided to do in the continued part of your story, if you actually planned it. I hope I helped,

Lolo



But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane