Grandmother's Hands

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I can't stop my fingers from trembling.
Hold them straight, flat, in front of my face
and watch them dance out of rhythm.
And I'm not sure why--I can only think of
my grandmother's face, peering out to mine
with a half-tragic smile.

And I remember how bony her fingers felt.
Her skin felt like latex gloves, blue from
arteries, pressing out to become
mountain ridges all over her hands.
I remember that her hands trembled too--
we would joke about it, and when we sat together
on her too-big bed, I would
curl her cold hands into my own
and press it deep within my heart
in hopes of warming what could not be warmed
and saving what I could not save.

I was stupid then--I didn't know
when to stop. When the doctors talked of
taking her feet, I blinked and when she lay
strapped, her blood rushing through machines,
I hid away. I couldn't even watch her as she pricked
her paperthin fingers before every meal.
To me, she was my future and I could see my reflection
in her rosy cheeks and wrinkled face full of laughter.
Even our names matched, and when she called my name,
her eyes turned tender and she would squeeze my hand
softly. For that short second, I could feel her fingers
warming up in mine...

And now fog wheels and dives into the valley where she
lies. It is green and poppies and mustard dot the hillsides
where she used to roam. Above her is a bouquet of
plastic flowers, roses just placed on her anniversary.
Below her is her husband.

And sometimes I wonder, deep in warm earth,
whether her quiet fingers are still icy cold.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Hey Snoink!

This was nice, and sad too. You did a real good job of conveying the emotion that this piece centered around.

However, I will say that I think it felt too much like a story divided into stanzas. What I mean by that is that you don't have a set rhythm, and the lines drag on for a bit too long and you go into overwhelming detail. Take out the stanzas, and with a little editing, you've got a basic prose story.

If you that you'll be a lot freer to expand into the detail that this poem wants to go for.

-Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hi, Snoink! ^_^

Something that I think needs to be done in this poem is a revisitation of the first lines.

I can't stop my fingers from trembling.
Hold them straight, flat, in front of my face
and watch them dance out of rhythm.


They hang there at the beginning and if we read through this poem once, we forget them, because none of the rest of the poem is about this idea. Maybe in another poem, then, it would be okay to just cut these, but I think that they bring a beautiful dimension to the poem that shouldn't be forgotten. Try to work it back in closer to the end or keep in woven in throughout, like a thesis.

curl her cold hands into my own
and press it deep within my heart


Just to pick something out, I don't know why you said press 'it', when you're talking about many things here. If you had written something else, perhaps described these many things as something singular, that's an interesting thought and would allow you to keep 'it', but right now it's just incorrect.

When the doctors talked of
taking her feet, I blinked and when she lay
strapped, her blood rushing through machines,
I hid away.


I love the first part of this phrase more than the second. I love the simplicity of blinking, but hiding away seems more complicated. Perhaps 'I kept my eyes closed' or 'I closed my eyes', which is reminiscent of how little kids hide themselves because they aren't aware of another's perspective. It's simple to match blinking. Just a suggestion.

To me, she was my future and I could see my reflection
in her rosy cheeks and wrinkled face full of laughter.
Even our names matched, and when she called my name,
her eyes turned tender and she would squeeze my hand
softly. For that short second, I could feel her fingers
warming up in mine...


The second part of this phrase is really the only place in this poem that I connect. The idea of her eyes turning tender and her fingers growing warm for a bit make me feel that tenderness and want to keep it, but I didn't have enough time to really feel that connection before you ended the poem. I think the pacing is off, but if it were to be fixed and the ending shortened and perhaps described less pastorally, it would make a good piece.

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-Hannah-
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Snoink, your greatest ally while revising this will be condensation. There are so many unnecessary words, as a reader it was pretty hard on me. It'll be a lot stronger if you cut away the excess.

for example when you say "mountain ridges all over her hands." You should just say "mountain ridges." We've established that you are describing her hands already.

I love the internal rhyme in the first line of the penultimate stanza: I wish there were more of that.

I'd also change the ending, you should always end on the strongest stanza, but it was just... mehhh.

So: condensation.
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I really like this poem. I was going to comment earlier, but I had to go to school. There isn't anything that I don't like about it really.

Keep Writing

-Flower-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.





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You can feel the characters sadness through the words, but you can also feel her joy in her memories. Theres a sense in your words of something ending, as well as something else beginning.
It's really good you did a nice job PM me if you write anything more.
~ Bri




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I like this poem, but found it difficult to read. Both because it's written in small text, and because it's all crammed together. Definitely space it out nicely. The feeling is evident, and with some tweaking here and there, a bit of literary refinement to avoid unneeded phrases and to perfect the ones that matter most, I think you will have something to be very proud of indeed. It is powerful and it is consuming, and you've captured the essence of the character well.



If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France