Ashes

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“The end will fall to ashes and smoke.”
The voice trembled, and the cold air made the speaker’s breath visible, but despite all the fragile metaphors of it, the missive was delivered with a resolute tone. A certainty that pinned down a fact avoided and politically oiled through the years. But now, from the mouth of a babe, the truth was at last proclaimed.
Sadly, there were none to witness the prophecy, if it indeed could be called thus: it took no sharp eye to see the turn of events. Worlds had crumbled, cites with gleaming, silver towers had succumbed to that tide which devours all things. The ashes and dust she spoke of were already like a visible bank of clouds, hovering at the edge of a mountain-ridge, readying to drop upon the valleys with a deafening roar.
“Kimberly would have stopped them,” the child whispered fearfully, the tenacity gone from her voice. “He–”
What she would have said, and whether or not it was at all relevant, and who Kimberly was, and who he would have stopped were all unanswered questions, hanging on blue lips until the next few words would come.
But they never did.
The child slumped into herself, the red, red scarf that had wrapped her so tightly finally loosening its hold. And then…as if on cue…
Ashes shimmered down from the sky, covering the limp body, the grey, dead world, the metaphors, principles and follies; the skeletons, the words…

So tell me what you think. This was the result of a near month-long writers’ block, and it came out in less than five minutes. There has been no editing, so it’s straight from my fingers to the keyboard to YWS. DISCLAIMER: I admit that it may or may not be/sound cliche.
Tear. Me. To. Shreds.
Jenth
-ж-Ж-ж-




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Hi Jenthura!

This just seems like you got a really cool image in your mind and that this was just a test to see how well you could describe it. Now, I'm not hating on descriptive settings, but here, they seem to come before story. I'm so lost in what you're describing that I don't really know what's going on. For instance, why is the world ending? Why are people sitting around and talking about it in a place that clearly isn't safe? Who is Kimberly, and why is she important to the story? If she's not, why did you mention her?

I think you could a pull a story off at this length as long as you consider a few things. First, try to answer my questions as I'm sure that I'm not going to be the only one who will have them. Secondly, cut back on the description and only try to describe what is necessary - the color of the girl's hair, a basic setting description of ash and smoke, how she looked when she died - and you'll find that you'll still paint an image in the reader's mind.

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I think you've got a good start, and I'd like to see an edited version of this. PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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I really really like this. It would make an amazing story .;)
"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.

"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…"



You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle