Sunny Day

The sun is out; make it go away.
The bunnies hop; make them stop.
Oh, woe is me on the sunny day.

The deer is running; make him trip.
The grass is green. Break my spleen.
Oh, woe is me oh the sunny day.

The branches are swinging; make them fall.
Take you picnic basket, and go pick out my casket.
Oh, woe is me on the sunny day.

Oh, you silly weather!
You cannot conform me!
Oh, woe is me on the sunny day!

Hi Bailey!

This poem was bad. What do I mean by that? Well, your rhyming is inconsistent, doesn't really make sense, and it just seems like you've added it in just because 'poems have to rhyme' or whatever. Also, some of your lines seem a bit odd and your message is a tad confusing.

1. RHYMING AND VERSE

Bailey Holcomb wrote:The grass is green. Break my spleen.

This seems like a bit of an odd metaphor, doesn't it? Also, we don't hear 'Break my spleen' very often so it comes off as a tad silly.

The branches are swinging; make them fall.

Branches don't usually swing, unless it is an extremely windy day and the branches are really thin.

Oh, woe is me on the sunny day.

The structure of this one seems to confuse me a tad. 'Woe is me'? That doesn't really make sense; are you trying to say that the narrator is sad? If so, just say that. You don't need to make it sound all fancy when you really don't know what you're doing.

You cannot conform me!

Okay, well I have no idea what conform means, and I don't think a lot of other people will know too, and this seems like something you picked out of a thesaurus. Replacing it with a simpler would be fine.

2. MESSAGES/THEME

Your narrator is someone who hates the summertime? Why? I mean, I've never met anyone who has complained about summer before. The reasons that the narrator hates summer is never given, and then she curses certain aspects to the most terrible things? Why? The way you've set it up, I've got no sympathy for your character right now. Just because this is a poem doesn't mean you can't expand upon character development. Maybe, when you revise this, you can go more into depth.

-
Well, I've rattled on for too long now, so if you have any questions, don't be afraid to PM me.

-Elinor

Okay, Bailey. This might seem mean but I agree with Eli and you know I'm a mean person

The sun is out; make it go away.
The bunnies hop; make them stop.
Oh, woe is me on the sunny day.

Okay, so this is why you wanted to know about internal rhyming. It might just be my personal opinion but when I read poems the rhyme they come off as childish....especially here with the use of the word bunnies. It's not a bad word or anything but it gives me the impresion the narrator is young. Which makes me ask why would he/she hate summer? And the woe is me...wow. I know you know the "Dark Heart of Woe" poem (I think that's the name). There the woeing is insane. and here it doesn't really make sense if the narrator is young. Since we don't know the age it sounds odd to me.

The deer is running; make him trip.
The grass is green. Break my spleen.
Oh, woe is me oh the sunny day.

Evil person. Okay, the rhyming here is different than in the first stanza. When you build up the rhyme scheme in the first part you should keep it as consistent as you can. Also why in the would would green grass bread someone's spleen? Of all things. I know it rhymes but it seems like you just stuck it in there for the sake of rhyming. Poetry DOESN'T have to rhyme. And in this poem it probably shouldn't. Sorry

The branches are swinging; make them fall.
Take you picnic basket, and go pick out my casket.
Oh, woe is me on the sunny day.

Like Ellie said branches don't swing. When I think of a branch I think of it swaying. Here there is obviously a lot of emotion but we don't really know why. I mean the narrator hates sunny days but there's not really are reason given.

Oh, you silly weather!
You cannot conform me!
Oh, woe is me on the sunny day!

You just went from picking out caskets to calling weather silly....okay. Again with the woeing....


Overall I think this could be good. But there's not story behind it really and I feel no sympathy for your character. Like Ellie said you can expand on the character even though it's a poem. Right not your character is just prattling about random things they hate that have no meaning to the reader. Like the reader would think it's strange to hate the bunnies unless the character has been scarred by them or something. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm rambling. If you need help ask me Monday I can help at school. Or PM me if you have any questions.

Hope I wasn't to harsh

~peanut~

Guys! This was just a JOKE! Not a Real Poem!

Bailey, please.

If this was a joke, why did you post it on YWS? Why didn't you note something in the original post? I don't think I believe you, because that is often the reaction when an author posts a work on YWS, expecting praise, and then getting harsh comments they don't like.

We're just trying to help you. When I first joined YWS, I posted a story that was my prized possession. I loved it and thought I was the best author ever. Then guess what? It was torn apart and I slowly realized how much I sucked. But I was able to learn and grow. If you notice, neither peanut nor I was harsh in their critiques. Not everything an author writes is going to be good, so you just have to listen because people are sincerely trying to help you.

Don't act like a child.

-Elinor

Bailey, you know from what I've told you that a lot of reviews on here are harsh. You should have said something about it being a joke because we take stuff pretty seriously on here If it was oh well I think you probably learned something.


~peanut~