Hi David! Welcome to YWS! I'll say, this poem was very nice. It kind of reminded me of the old, short version of the epic poems you would see in medieval times. I'm sorry I can't be of further help, but I quite liked it, and there weren't really any problems besides a few misplaced commas. You've got a nice strong writing style, so keep it up, and PM me if you have any questions.
Au Revior, Elinor
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
