Mia: Bruised and Beaten

First Entery-

Don't know the date. Have been in prison for... how long?

They took away my knife. U r a cat, they said; use your claws.

What claws? I dont have any, I said. They got angry; told me to evolve some.
What's "evolve" mean anyway?

I haven't seen David in days, weeks maybe. The only way to tell time
is by my hair growing and the rhythm in my hips and chest. I have red blood, wouldn't you know?

Prayer is one thing that keeps me alive.
I don't know if God listens, but He must be doing something.

Second Entry

They let me out! It was in a walled space, true, but it was outside.
I was collared and let loose to climb or run or do whatever for a whole hour!

You wouldn't think of this place as a jail to look at it.
It's on a little plateau- I'm so proud of that word- overlooking the sea.
A fatal drop, surely.

Here comes a warden; have to close this.

Interesting. Short but sweet. You might want to check your spelling, though... And that's about the only thing I can say about that... This sounds very interesting, and even though it's really short, it has me hooked straight away. Claws? Evolve? Prision? It all sets the mood for a very interesting story. I would love to read more and I love the journal style entries.

Well... here I am. Okay, so Problems/Praise/Tips order, eh?

Problems:
Like Scarlett said, spelling, although that may have been intentional right? There was only one other nit-pickable instance...

Stori wrote:Have been in prison for- how long?

Instead of a dash, place an ellipses. The three dots: ...

Okay, so you're writing as a cat or some animal, right? That can speak to the prison guards eh? Well, I'd give more backdrop here because while your story did create an aura of mystery (a la Scar's post) a backdrop would've done justice.

Your ideas aren't communicated very clearly. Okay, so we got a very CIA title... about a cat/animal? Is this some biologically engineered mistake? Dunno. Whatever the case, they told him to evolve claws, which implies whoever was speaking was biologically superior. And usually, when that happens, we think that this thing is either an animal or biological mistake. He keeps a journal? With what? What is the cell like? All these questions also go with backdrop.

So I'm finding this character a little mysterious, but if you want this to be better, ask yourself: What have I achieved here? And put it in straight forward terms: You introduced us to a cool character and he got to run around. He's obviously in jail and perhaps Bruised and Beaten. If that's not what you wanted then there's a problem.

Praise:
This was well constructed. That may contrast with what I just explained but... well... it was. At least the fact that he keeps a diary. Also, I find that your character isn't the steretypical brooding criminal that you find with such titles. Good job there.

Tips:
Make this a bit longer.
Write in paragraphs unless you have a specific reason for having not. That's how most people keep journals/diaries.
Try and narrate emotion. Here comes one of those horrible or ugly or stupid wardens.
---

So maybe that wasn't star review number #1. Sorry, I'mnot that graet a reviewer and my words sometimes contradict. But if you can pick out anything from here of sense, smile. Have a great one...

I thought it was a decent review, Hero. I actually agree with some things. Although I think how this is written is intentional. But I must agree, the mystery is really good and all but there could be more background, like what the guards look like, etc.

And I think this is a girl, hence the pain in my groin comment and the reference to blood.

Hay, it's Aushy, here to review! :}

Okay, so, I found this very interesting. It was short and sweet, yet somehow, you seemed to add mystery and wonder in it all. Very good. The only question I have is that you say they said 'Use ur claws,' like you're going to use netspeak, if you will, but then suddenly you go back to speaking in complete words and sentences. That was a bit confusing to me. But other then that, great! I'm actually quite interested in what might come next.

Alright, so. PM me or go to my tropical shack by clicking 'reviews' in my signature for a review anytime. :}

Au revior!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

Stori wrote:First Entery-

Don't know the date. Have been in prison for... how long? Good opening.

They took away my knife. U r a cat, they said; use ur claws. Netspeak? "U" can be replaced with "you" and "R" for "are", and "ur" for your.

What claws? I dont have any, I said. They got angry; told me to evolve some.
What's "evolve" mean anyway?

I haven't seen David in days, weeks maybe. The only way to tell time
is by my hair growing and the pain in my groin. I have red blood, wouldn't you know?

Prayer is one thing that keeps me alive. I don't know if God listens, but
He must be doing something.

Second Entry

They let me out! It was in a walled space, true, but it was outside.
I was collared and let loose to climb or run or do whatever for a whole hour!

You wouldn't think of this place as a jail to look at it.
It's on a little plateau- I'm so proud of that word- overlooking the sea.
A fatal drop, surely.

Here comes a warden; have to close this.

Short and sweet. You've got a good thing going.

Hi there. It was sweet and short as deafwriter_19 earlier mentioned. As it was short and had not much to tell I couldn't find an grammar mistakes so that's good.

They took away my knife. U r a cat, they said; use ur claws. Netspeak? "U" can be replaced with "you" and "R" for "are", and "ur" for your.

I think deafwriter_19, it's Stori's writing style which is unique. So don't change it. As it's a diary journal ad she writes it by hiding it, she needs to write abbreviations. Nice one.

Hey Stori, finally here.

So, I actually prefer this to the one I originally read and whose review YWS ate after I had finished it. This one was more interesting, definitely. The atmosphere you created seemed authentic and I can imagine the setting quite vividly.

I was taken aback by the chatspeak in the middle, too. And it's not just because my eyes have become trained to notice that sort of writing, but also because it just seemed really weird. Technically, I understand it because it's a diary of some sorts, but it still didn't fit in very well in my opinion. Chatspeak would be expected from some ordinary, modern day teenager, but not so much from a fantastical half cat, half human, or whatever your character is.

Apart from that, this seems quite fascinating and I wish you the best of luck with this!


Demeter
x

Chatspeak is weird. You should cut it out. If you want to give it a more authentic style with misspellings... well... that's a gimmick. And gimmicks, in general, can be cut out and substituted with high quality writing. Harder? Yes. But it's generally better.

(And if you're thinking, "But Ender's Game/The Moon is a Harsh Mistress/"Fill in the blank" did this!" then my rebuttal is that they tweaked the dialect to be slightly altered but still understandable. The narrative should not be tweaked, even if it's first person. Even Mark Twain understood this in his book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

is by my hair growing and the pain in my groin. I have red blood, wouldn't you know?

Wait, is this supposed to refer to the menstruation cycle? Because if it is, it's not even close. =/

Here comes a warden; have to close this.

Why would she be even able to write if it weren't for the warden's approval?

Ehhhh. It's too gimicky for me, to be completely honest. I mean, it's interesting, but it's not unique--I've read stories similar to this already. Maybe not a cat creature, but it's typical plot: a freak of nature is kept as a scientific experiment and imprisoned. And that's okay--we all need to start from somewhere.

But you have to bring out what is unique to your story. And the only thing really unique about it in your opening is your gimmick... the misspellings and such. That's not important! Bring us into the heart of your story if you want to capture our hearts.

I'm not very "in the know" about girls' biology, Snoink.
And please, I was trying to be unspecific here.

There are other ways to be unspecific. ^^ The groin area rarely hurts... and if it does, that's probably a really bad medical complication!

What is more typical are the hips and lower back hurting really bad (your hips get bigger during the period), your back and legs tend to cramp up awfully, you feel sick to your stomach, you start bloating up (especially in the breast area)... all these symptoms, except maybe the last, are rather nonspecific. After all, people feel sick to their stomachs and people cramp up. That's normal. However, the symptoms together scream menstruation... without having to go into the ick factor of menstruation (like the blobs of membrane coming out). I think you should be safe!

Also! Don't be passive.

"I have red blood, wouldn't you know?"

should probably be

"I bleed red, wouldn't you know?"

It sounds better that way, plus... um... there's lots of bleeding, so combine that with the actual physical symptoms (as opposed to the fake symptoms you have now) and it should be all right!

I did ask, now didn't I?

Anyway, thanks... I tried rewriting the beginning.