Writers Block- Prologue

Prologue

The girl sat at the kitchen table, head in her hands. “Writers block.” She sighed. “The worst thing that can happen to anyone.”

“Tara, time for bed!” Her father called cheerfully.

“Coming!” she called back. Rising, she grabbed her note book and trotted upstairs. Suddenly, inspiration struck. Setting her book on the desk, she flipped to a blank page and started to write furiously.

"Reene, I want you to explore through the redwood forest. You might find some caves no one has discovered.” The Ranger commanded.

“Sure. It’ll be fun” Reena smiled at the forest ranger. She smiled back.

“Good girl. Now, here’s your map and compass, and you provision sack. I’ve included some other items you will need as well. If you don’t return after three days, we’re coming after you."

Grabbing the compass, map, and pack, she headed out into the forest, using her walking stick to avoid tripping over the thick, gnarly tree roots. Suddenly, she twisted her ankle and fell into a dark hole! She hard a soft growling and slowly turned around…to see eyes staring at her! "Ahh…It’s…It’s a monster!"

"Tara! Bed, now!” Her father’s voice rose up the stairs.

“Oh let her be, Greg. She wants to be a writer, and if she can’t write, how is she going to achieve that goal?" Tara could hear her father sigh.

“Oh, alright. Twenty minutes then lights out!” Tara smiled in satisfaction. Twenty minutes was all she needed.

The monster lunged forward, with furry legs shackled to the floor. Growling, it bared its teeth at the young girl. Alone in her prison, she coward against the wall, expecting the end. “Grandma, Grandpa, I’m sorry. I’ve tried to act nicely… and to pretend you WERE my parents. At least I can meet them now….” Reena thought, quivering. As she hid her face, she felt a warm, scratchy tongue scrap against her leg. Looking down, she saw a little white dog. It had fur in its eyes, which were a soft brown. It whimpered, pushing its soft, furry head against her hand.

“Aww. You’re soo cute! I think I’ll call you… Roxanne?” The dog growled at the name. “Jacob? Gorge?” Again, it growled. “Hmm… Since I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, I’ll give you a name that will go either way. Zoxna?" The dog, newly dubbed Zoxna, whipped its furry tail around.

“Well, Zoxna. Let’s try to find a way out of here.” They moved off simultaneously down the dark tunnel. “It’s a good thing I came down here prepared. I have food, water, torches, and matches… anything you need to explore a cave.” Removing a large torch, Reena struck a match and lit the oil soaked rag on the tip. “Now we can see where we are going” The tunnels was not damp, s most caves are usually. There were some weak spots in the ceiling, where huge redwoods had forced their roots into cracks. “That’s probably how this tunnel was created. All those roots forcing their way in, causing cave ins. This may be a new cave”

“Light’s out now, Tara!”

Tara sighed. Parents. They can never leave you alone. Sighing, she closed her notebook and climbed into bed. Pulling the covers over her chin, she thought of what adventures would befall Reena and Zoxna. I’m not going to sleep. I’ll wait until they go to sleep, then turn on my lamp. They won’t know, and I can write all night long. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow, so it should be okay. Yawning, she tried to fight sleep, but she was swept in to unconsciousness as the sun was barely setting.

Hi Sare!! Kara here.

Let's start, shall we?

“Writers block.” She sighed.

"Writer's block," she sighed.

Rising, she grabbed her note book and trotted upstairs.

She stood up, grabbed her notebook and trotted* upstairs.

*Trotted doesn't sound right for a person... I think of a horse when you say trotted.

Suddenly, inspiration struck.

You might want to show us, not tell us. Define what exactly you mean by "inspiration struck". As in, let us feel her excitement at the exact moment her muse threw a plot brick at her.

you provision sack.

your

Suddenly, she twisted her ankle and fell into a dark hole! She hard a soft growling and slowly turned around…to see eyes staring at her! "Ahh…It’s…It’s a monster!"

Show, don't tell. This is pure telling. Oh, and heard. Not hard. ^^

Oh, alright.

Oh, all right.

I think. I'm not so sure with this one.

The monster lunged forward, with furry legs shackled to the floor

Kind of a dangling modifier there.

The monster, furry legs shackled to the floor, lunged forward.

As she hid her face, she felt a warm, scratchy tongue scrap against her leg.

scrape

It had fur in its eyes, which were a soft brown. It whimpered, pushing its soft, furry head against her hand.

It had fur in its soft brown eyes. It whimpered, pushing its head against her hand.

Don't repeat soft and furry. It's redundant, and it kind of threw me off.

ww. You’re soo cute! I think I’ll call you… Roxanne?”

Okay, it took me a moment to realize that the dog was actually the monster. ^^"

Anyway, I think you should let us feel her relief, describe it to us. I mean, she thought she was going to die. She might release her breath and smile a bit. ^^

“It’s a good thing I came down here prepared. I have food, water, torches, and matches… anything you need to explore a cave.”

Sounds stilted and out of place. You kind of told us that she already had these things, and for her to mention it out of the blue...oO

“Now we can see where we are going”

No need to say it. Just show it.
Example:

The now-lit torch did little to alleviate the darkness of the tunnels ahead. Long stalactites scattered all around made her think of the cave as a monster's mouth.

Something like that. ^^

The tunnels was not damp, s most caves are usually.

...as most caves usually were.

“That’s probably how this tunnel was created. All those roots forcing their way in, causing cave ins. This may be a new cave”

Try not to let her say it. Just put it in the narrative. ^^

Oh, and it's cave-ins.

They can never leave you alone.

They never leave you alone.

Sighing, she closed her notebook and climbed into bed.

You just told us she sighed a while ago.

She closed her notebook and climbed into bed.

Oh, and how did her parents know she was still awake if they didn't go into her room?

Yawning, she tried to fight sleep, but she was swept in to unconsciousness as the sun was barely setting.

She yawned and tried to fight sleep, but was swept into unconsciousness as the sun set.

Barely setting sounds strange. oO


PROS: This moved fast, the pacing was quick and it didn't let my attention waver.

CONS: You seem fond of starting with participial phrases. Although not bad, they do get annoying after a while. ^^ Also, try to show more and tell less. (Don't worry, I have problems with this too. xP I think everyone does.)

Anyway, power to you! ^^

~Kara

Sare, here is the review!! This'll just be short since Kara already got most of the problems~

Rising, she grabbed her note book and trotted upstairs. Suddenly, inspiration struck. Setting her book on the desk, she flipped to a blank page and started to write furiously.

I think that there's sort of a jump of scene here... One moment she's going up the stairs and the next, she's in her room (correct me on this if I'm wrong) and writing furiously. I think you should insert a sentence or two describing her 'hurriedly' going to her room.

Parents. They can never leave you alone.

I think it'd be better if you made the sentence into: They never leave you alone. Has a nicer ring to it

Overall, I think this is written nicely. There seems to be a problem with the dialog in the "inner story" ... what I got from the description is that it's supposed to be located in a medieval time? The dialog seems to be pretty modern for that kind of setting....

So that's all I can say for now! I hope my review helped you and I'd love to read the rest!

What makes you think it's set in medieval times, Squishy? Thanks for the reviews, by the way.

Hey Sare, how you doing? ^o^
I'm Ellie.

Sare wrote:The girl sat at the kitchen table, head in her hands.

Okay, I think your hook does need a little bit of work. Your title drew me in - I found it interesting that an author would name her piece after something that every writer dreads. However, it does start of a bit dull; it doesn't draw me in to the rest of the story.

If your wondering how you work this part out, maybe you could start it at a scene where she only has two pages left of her novel. She's been working on it for a few years, because whenever she has the time to write she dosen't have any ideas. She's frustrated, so much that she falls out of her chair and hits her head, drawing blood or something. I dunno, just something that would want to make your reader read the rest of the story.

Sare wrote:“Writers block.” She sighed. “The worst thing that can happen to anyone.”

"Writer's block," she sighed. "The worst thing that can happen to any writer."

I'd change 'anyone' to 'writer', because believe me, there a lot of worse things in the world then getting writers block. Also, maybe you could add a few of her thoughts, because the impression I'm getting of her is she's whiny and selfish.
The character who has been working on her novel for several years, finally finished, getting excited, that is a character I'd sympathize and relate too. Not the one you have introduced so far.
Another thing that caught my eye is the use of 'sighed'. First off, you cannot sigh a message. Said is a perfectly fine word, especially in the instance where the dialogue speaks for itself.

Sare wrote:“Tara, time for bed!” Her father called cheerfully.

Would he really call this message cheerfully? If I were father, I'd be slightly irritated. Consider this situation : your MC can never get any ideas down during the day, so she always stays up really late to write. Her father is angry because she's done it again!

Sare wrote:“Coming!” she called back. Rising, she grabbed her note book and trotted upstairs. Suddenly, inspiration struck. Setting her book on the desk, she flipped to a blank page and started to write furiously.

In this instance, said is perfectly fine. Also, notebook is one word. This paragraph is a little confusing. Where is she right now? I had the impression that she was in her room.
Another problem I'm having so far is I'm a few paragraphs into the story but yet, I know nothing really about what is going on. Who is this character? How old is she?
Why is she writing? What are her objectives with the pastime?

Sare wrote:
"Reene, I want you to explore through the redwood forest. You might find some caves no one has discovered.” The Ranger commanded.

“Sure. It’ll be fun” Reena smiled at the forest ranger. She smiled back.

“Good girl. Now, here’s your map and compass, and you provision sack. I’ve included some other items you will need as well. If you don’t return after three days, we’re coming after you."

Grabbing the compass, map, and pack, she headed out into the forest, using her walking stick to avoid tripping over the thick, gnarly tree roots. Suddenly, she twisted her ankle and fell into a dark hole! She hard a soft growling and slowly turned around…to see eyes staring at her! "Ahh…It’s…It’s a monster!"

Okay, if your character is writing a story, you shouldn't copy and paste it into the actual text. If two different stories are going on in the same novel, you should try to connect them. For instance, maybe Reena and the forest ranger are actually Tara's long lost parents, and she's having sort of dream visions about them, thinking there out of the blue and using them as her story.
Eventually Tara will find out. Now there is a good plot twist.

Sare wrote:"Tara! Bed, now!” Her father’s voice rose up the stairs.

“Oh let her be, Greg. She wants to be a writer, and if she can’t write, how is she going to achieve that goal?" Tara could hear her father sigh.

“Oh, alright. Twenty minutes then lights out!” Tara smiled in satisfaction. Twenty minutes was all she needed.

This is some good antagonist development right here. However, It's only a start. If the father is going to turn out to be the antagonist, you should give him reason. Why dosen't her father want her to write? Does he think its immoral? Silly? Old Fashion?

Sare wrote:The monster lunged forward, with furry legs shackled to the floor. Growling, it bared its teeth at the young girl. Alone in her prison, she coward against the wall, expecting the end. “Grandma, Grandpa, I’m sorry. I’ve tried to act nicely… and to pretend you WERE my parents. At least I can meet them now….” Reena thought, quivering. As she hid her face, she felt a warm, scratchy tongue scrap against her leg. Looking down, she saw a little white dog. It had fur in its eyes, which were a soft brown. It whimpered, pushing its soft, furry head against her hand.

“Aww. You’re soo cute! I think I’ll call you… Roxanne?” The dog growled at the name. “Jacob? Gorge?” Again, it growled. “Hmm… Since I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, I’ll give you a name that will go either way. Zoxna?" The dog, newly dubbed Zoxna, whipped its furry tail around.

“Well, Zoxna. Let’s try to find a way out of here.” They moved off simultaneously down the dark tunnel. “It’s a good thing I came down here prepared. I have food, water, torches, and matches… anything you need to explore a cave.” Removing a large torch, Reena struck a match and lit the oil soaked rag on the tip. “Now we can see where we are going” The tunnels was not damp, s most caves are usually. There were some weak spots in the ceiling, where huge redwoods had forced their roots into cracks. “That’s probably how this tunnel was created. All those roots forcing their way in, causing cave ins. This may be a new cave”

Okay, I kind of like how there is a story budding in her head, and it keeps getting interupted, but still, If you have over half of this prologue be the actual novel she's writing, why not take out this subplot and make the story idea the actual novel?
If your bound to have this subplot, however, like I said, connect the two stories.

Sare wrote:“Light’s out now, Tara!”

"Tara! Lights out!"

Sare wrote:Tara sighed. Parents. They can never leave you alone. Sighing, she closed her notebook and climbed into bed. Pulling the covers over her chin, she thought of what adventures would befall Reena and Zoxna. I’m not going to sleep. I’ll wait until they go to sleep, then turn on my lamp. They won’t know, and I can write all night long. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow, so it should be okay. Yawning, she tried to fight sleep, but she was swept in to unconsciousness as the sun was barely setting.

Okay, I really want to know how old your main character is. Right now, she seems like an angst-ridden little brat. Everyone needs their sleep, and if she was thirteen or so, she should understand that.

Another thing I don't understand is why its even a prologue. This could work perfectly as a first chapter. But anyway, It needs work, but it IS a good start. Take some of those things in to consideration, and you could branch out with something totally different but equally amazing. PM Me When you've posted more / a revised version

Sare wrote:What makes you think it's set in medieval times, Squishy? Thanks for the reviews, by the way.

Sare, please forgive my mistake I just read your work again, and I realized that nothing in your inner story actually hinted at a medieval setting. I'm really sorry!

No need to be so embarresed. I actually love the Medieval times.. And Elinor, I actually try to stay up all night to write or do homework. As for the rest, I can't deal with it now, for 'tis bedtime! And I'm thinking Tara is sixteen?

Sis... how is it that you always end up using my character names?
I mean... I actually wrote a story titled "Tara." Or tried to.
*sigh* I really, really need to focus on my old characters.