Inseparable

Lets Listen to the sound of the rain
Jump in the puddles puddles
Laugh till we cant breath
Alone time isn't good for the heart
So lets not let each other be alone
Thoughts wander
Hearts break
Friends hold tight
So don't let go
Sit and watch the stars
I'll keep the moon
You keep the sun
And the world will go round
Hold on tight
Close your eyes
Count the seconds
The years
Just keep breathing
You'll live

Hello midnight,
Nitpicks

midnighteardrops wrote:Lets Listen to the sound of the rain
Jump in the puddles puddles
Laugh till we cant breath
Alone time isn't good for the heart
So lets not let each other be alone

I think this could be broken down to flow better with the rest of your piece. try

midnighteardrops wrote:Lets Listen
to the sound of the rain
Jump in the puddles puddles
Laugh till we cant breath
Time alone isn't good
For the heart
Lets not let each other be alone

Take that how you will, but I think it makes you poem flow nicer.
I really like this poem. It sounds like you're trying to comfort a friend with your images; I like the story here. It's sweet and simplistic and universal. Nice work achieving all that.
Awesome job; keep writing. Of course
~Empress

Hi, Midnight!

You did a fine job in capturing the moment. Have you ever tried writing haiku? I have a strong affection toward them; they're so pretty. You should look into some, if you haven't already.

As a whole, I think this poem is sweet, but quite basic. I'm sure it's very valuable to you as is whoever gave you the inspiration to write this, but you need to make the readers feel what you feel – or at least try to, because it can never be done completely. And it's easier to make the readers even think about relating, if your imagery is unique and more challenging. With poems like this, there's a risk of people going "Oh, I've read this all somewhere before" after reading the first few lines, and then just neglecting the poem because they couldn't get anything new out of it. And this would be such a pity, because it would mean there's one more poem left unread in the world. If you want your poetry to get out of your drawers, challenge the reader. Don't let them away too easily. Feel what you feel, then feel it stronger, and then write about it. Don't leave it halfway.

Jump in the puddles puddles

I don't know if the repetition was intentional or not, but I loved it. This is exactly what I mean about challenging the readers and making them stop in awe.


Anyway, please do PM me if you have any questions. I know I can get on the rambly side every now and then


Demeter
x

I don't critique poetry that often, but I hope this is helpful.

I really loved this poem. It made me think of my graduation this year and the fun I've had with my friends. It made a really strong impact on me because I've always just respected the fact that most people don't talk to their friends after high school. This poem really goes against that and shows that you can't let your friendship grow apart. So, the emotional chord it struck with me was very good.

However, I do have a few nitpicks.

My first one is basically what Empress mentioned. I believe the flow of the poem could be improved with just a few fixes.

Secondly, there were just a few problems with missing apostrophes and the like. I'm sure you'll find them.

Thanks for sharing such a lovely poem! I was very glad that I was able to read this.

Happy Writing!
~Mira

Hey midnight! Welcome to YWS!

Nice poem! I like the beginning especially. One thing I noticed though.... the first part seemed to be addressed to the reader, which I really really adored. I love it when poets talk to their readers. It makes me warm and squishy inside. However, as you continued, it felt like you were ignoring me. I would like to see you take me to the ends of the earth with your poetry. So, if you address the reader first, don't forget us!

Hope that helps! If you have any questions (on this critique or on the site) feel free to PM me!

I love the beginning. Makes me think of a song called "No Rain" by Blind Melon. It's always cool to see something sad like rain turned into something that's a little cheerier.

midnighteardrops wrote:Just keep breathing
You'll live

Might be better to say "Just keep on breathing". These two lines aren't too bad, but it seems a little bit of an unclear start.

Also...

midnighteardrops wrote:Count the seconds
The years

Same problem; bit of a clarity problem. "The Years" is very short and the piece doesn't need much punctuation, but if you're light with punctuation you need to make sure these shorter moments are able to be understood better. "And the years" works better for the enjambment you're trying to use. "Then the years" would also work.

Those're my thoughts. It's a good piece, keep at it!

Greetings, Midnight person! I'm Vanadis, and I notice you're new-ish so I would like to welcome you to YWS. I'm sure you'll find your stay pleasant.

So, on to the review.

What I like about this is its simplicity; it's refreshing to see a poem that doesn't have a lot of lines with a lot of adjectives, but it still tells a story. Two stories, in fact. You've got a pledge of friendship intermingling with your basic lessons in life. Normally, I've heard life lessons told with solemnity and a warning of "Never do that!" But you've told me the same thing in a few upbeat lines that says, "Go ahead. Make those mistakes. In the end it doesn't matter; things get better." It's nice to see that. Its great to see something so heavy told so lightly. You get a lot of kudos for this one.

A few nitpicks:

Lets Listen to the sound of the rain #FF00BF ">>Apostrophe (Let's) and lowecase L (listen.)
Jump in the puddles puddles #FF00BF ">>I know this was pointed out, but the repetition of "puddles" stumps me.
Laugh till we cant breath #FF00BF ">>Should be "breathe."

Alone time isn't good for the heart

Isn't it? Why not? Surely you've got to have a little bit of time alone, or you'd go bonkers! I see "alone time" as sitting in my breakfast nook reading, listening to music, not having to deal with the boyfriend's constant WoW-speak. But loneliness on the other hand could definitely be a bad thing. You don't have to take my advice, but maybe if you want, think about this and decide if you feel the same?

Overall I think it's a great poem and I hope to see a lot more of you.

Live long and prosper!
-Vanadis

Hey there!

I liked this poem. As people have said, it's kind of simple but lovely and sweet which makes a very nice read. The flow could definitely be improved: why don't you just read it through and tinker around with your line breaks, see which variations sound better.

I'm not too sure about the repetition of 'puddles'. It sort of sounded strange, and sounds great without it. In addition, you don't need to capitalise the first line of every sentence. Treat the rules like you would that of prose, yeah?

~Amy

Thanks to all for the reviews. I've never really had anyone read any of my poems, and I'm really enjoying the feedback. The puddles thing was a complete mistake, and as for the spelling/punctuation mistakes well we all need to work on those Once again thanks to all !

This is very light and happy piece that I've come across.

You've talked about the theme of 'simple' joys in life.Enjoyment with friends is one of them.I liked the way you showed us that having a good time with friends is the best and probably the only way we should live.

Keep such stuff coming.

Hey Midnight,


This was a pretty poem! I enjoyed the theme, and the images. I do feel that the images could be strengthened with more visual description. I think the structure could be improved as well in the ways that when I read the lines aloud some seem more choppy than others.

I do really enjoy how the poem is light-themed, almost carefree. It's nice to see an optimistic poem, and I especially love the ending. I think you did a wonderful job here, for the most part, and I would definitely be interested in reading more of your work.

June