I remember

I still remember,
I remember when the universe began.
All sound and colours
whirling
twirling
loving
aching
And then...
nothing.


I remember the joy,
When the first star was born.
Bringing with it a new age.
And I realized something.
That I was
utterly
and completely
Alone.


So I wept.
I wept the planets into the sky,
Around that one star.
I wept until the tears froze
and then changed
into a thousand thousand lights
to make the milky way.


I still remember,
I remember when the universe began,
All sound and colours
and tears.
For a hundred billion years,
it will be nothing but
Sound
and Colour
And Tears.

Hello Vampy. This poem is quite good, as it was sweet and sad. However, you spend too much describing the beautiful and vibrant earth, that when bad things come, we're left with nothing. Why was the narrator suddenly alone? What happened to earth? I think you should describe that a little more in detail.

Also, I see that this poem is clearly lacking a message. So, your narrator goes through the history of how the earth changes. Why? Right now it's just a direct narrative of pretty words, with nothing to be learned.

Other then that, great work, and PM me if you have any questions.

this poem is actually really good

it speaks of lots of emotions yet i still feel that its missing something

make come alive make it your child your gift to the world

my advice is to go over it over and over in your head till it sounds just right
keep writing your work is good

I like the idea of this poem, and the more developed lines really struck me. I think, though, you should try to add more to the lines, even if that means combining multiple lines into one, such as "whirling, twirling, loving, aching" would work better put together I think. Also, although the repetition is a great asset, because the lines are so short the poem becomes all repetition and not as much story, so you might want to think about just writing more around the point of each stanza. I can't wait to see what you do with it! =]

Hi Vampy!

The main thing that I wondered about in this poem was about the narrator. At first, I figured that the narrator could be God, but since it didn't quite fit that creation story (with tears forming the things, etc.) so then I figured that it could be a reference to another mythology, but I don't see any clear reference as to what creation story this could apply to, so I got slightly confused! I think it would be cool if you can incorporate some of that, if you can. I like the poem, mind you. I just would like a better understanding as to who the person speaking is!

Anyway, this poem totally gets a star, and I can't wait to see you around YWS!

This is pretty emotional, the description drew a good image in my head and it felt like i was in your shoes. I like the use of the galaxy and the way you put it all together. good one.

Hey there!

So, I really liked this poem! Like Snoink said, it doesn't exactly fit with any creation stories that I know, so I'm not sure if this poem is speaking literally or figuratively. But, whichever you meant, you've written about it in a rather beautiful way. I love your style, and I love the fact that you've made this so original. Well done!

~Amy

Hi Vampy.

Well the idea is nice, not exactly what I perceive as 'original' due to all of the creation stories in all sorts of religions. But I suppose you should get recognition for using it in your poetry and creating the planets in your own way.

So I wept.
I wept the planets into the sky,
Around that one star.
I wept until the tears froze
and then changed
into a thousand thousand lights
to make the milky way.

Thing in bold: Ew, trash this. The repetition is obnoxious and the hyperbole itself is horrendously cliche.

Also, your poetic persona (narrator) seems selfish to me. They are in reference to the perfect miracle of the earth's creation, but really all they can think about is 'Oh, I'm so alone *tear*'
Because, something with sounds and colour, you only describe the narrator's tears and it seems to defeat the purpose to me. What about the colours and sounds? What did it look like, sound like, taste like, smell like? Explore our senses, because quite frankly, I don't care at all for your personas tears.

Kamas

Vampy wrote:I still remember,
I remember when the universe began.
All sound and colours
whirling
twirling
loving
aching
And then...
nothing.

I can't say much bad about this piece that I can think of. I can say that this beginning is very good. Individual-verb lists like this make the poem appear easier to read, thus attracting anyone who passes by. It's hard to find a lot of these well-designed excestential poems, and the fact that it's simple to read makes it a great piece.