Never Won

The walls around me seem to fall.
A light in front tells it all
.
The world lights up just a bit.
I know its too late to quit.
.
Why can't I get over you?
I want to move on to something new.
.
Why do you haunt my dreams?
Was this part of your master scheme?
.
I keep fighting for that second glance.
Never missing that extra chance.
.
Your love that never belonged to me.
Seems so wild, seems so free.
.
It sad to say I've lost the war
bad thing is I beg for more

Hey Jynx,

This is a pretty fair beginning. I like the fact that you have a consistent rhyme scheme that you were able to maintain until the end.

I often say, place meaning before rhyme, meaning that instead of trying to get your rhyme out to just sound right, dear, you should instead place your focus on what you're saying. Try to make us feel exactly all that you want to say, and then try to fit this into rhyme after you have your ideas down.

Try not to ask too many questions in poetry as well; one here and there is alright, dear, but open ended questions leave gaps for your audience, and in poetry, one of the most important things you can do for your audience is to close effectively -- meaning to tie down all of the loose ends you opened up in the poem and deliver us to a superb ending.

Here, I can't fully say if you've done that. I felt that the poem could have explored more, instead focusing this around love and such-- I think you can take this so much further, dear, instead of letting it range into the fields that the typical love poem occupies.

June

I think this does have potential to it and really is a very promising beginning that you could develop into a lot more. But I think it does need to be developed...things need to be explored more, like Juniper said, and maybe deeper imagery and wording that might give the emotions in this just a bit more strength than they do as is. Having said that, I really did enjoy this, and you have a pretty good start here

Okay thanks for your comments it will help in the future

Hey Jynx! First of all, welcome to YWS! Mind you, you've joined like... two months ago, but seeing as you only have 9 posts, I haven't had a chance to welcome you yet.

I agree with the other reviewers! I would also like to see more emphasis on the beginning part rather than the love part. And that's not because love and heartbreak are awful subjects, of course... it's because you present such a strange, dreamlike image in your first line, and I want to know more! I am kind of in love with weird dreams, so the more weirdness there is, the happier I am.

Anyway, hope to see more of your poetry soon!

Hey Jynx!

Nice poem you have here. The only thing I noticed that you should look at is your syllable counts. What I mean by this is that when you are rhyming, you should try to have the same number of syllables in the two sentences that rhyme. Make sense?

Otherwise though, your poem is quite nice and flows well.

Great job!

Best of wishes and luck, and keep writing.

~Firearris

Jynx13 wrote:Why can't I get over you?
I want to move on to something new.

I would say nix this line. Of course I agree with everyone above, that you should expand in a different direction but I also think if you keep it the way it is, it can still be a good piece.
Also, you don't really need periods at the end of every stanza. Don't know why it bugged me but it did.
sorry if that was an utterly pointless review. Keep up the great work.
write and rhyme,
empress