Rain

Hey thanks for reading if you did. Please rate and leave a comment. Thanks,

Corwin

Hello, Corwin! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you. If I'm too harsh, just send me a PM or something and let me know.


Where to begin? I think that there are likeable aspects of this poem, such as the metaphor you use. You're also good with rhyme, in both perfect or full rhyme and consistency.

Rhyme works better with meter, dear. Try to keep your lines all "even", so that when your audience reads this aloud, we don't have to rush some words and take our time on others to make the rhyme fit, you know?

Additionally, some say that rhyme isn't important in poetry, and sometimes I agree. I like the rhyme in this poem, because it has potential to make this poem work, I just think that the uneven meter holds it back. Don't let rhyme hold you back, dear; write your poem out to your heart's content without worrying about the rhyme. Then, come back and see where you can fit rhyme in so that it doesn't feel like you're writing for rhyme.

Also! As a standard rule in grammar, be sure to capitalize your I's when using the pronoun, dear. At the beginning of this poem, you also have im which should be I'm for the contracted form of I am. Be sure to run over your work and refine it before posting, dear.


The repetition in this poem was okay; I would have preferred less of "I can" because, in poetry, you have the ability to combine a sentence and run it over in enjambment without having to repeat flat phrases like "I can"; try to cut down on some of the excess narrative phrases that just repeat things without telling us anything more.

That's it for the technical parts of the poem, Corwin! I think you did a fair job with this, and I would encourage you to keep working on it. I can't say that writing about inner pain is exactly original, but it's good here. Try to give us a reason to understand the pain that you conceal when you write, because you need to distinguish this poem from all of the other poems that explore pain without elaborating on it, you know?

Not bad. Keep writing! If you have any questions, or if you felt I was being a big meanie, PM me.

Best of luck! Welcome to YWS; enjoy your stay!

June

Hello Corwin. Nice to see you on yws.
This poem feels a lot like lyrics. This was the chorus:

Corwin wrote:I can see it rain
I can feel it pour
I still see you
I pretend to not care anymore

This would be a verse

Corwin wrote:In the days in which I'm dyinng
from the pains i have been hiding
looking for answers to questions I'm denying
put on a fuckin smile its like I'm lying
Making me fall apart
The hole inside my heart
I know i look alive
Look alive, but I'm dying on the inside
from the pain
from the pain

and this is the bridge

Corwin wrote:This aint a joke
These memories made me choke
I hated this game
But now i scream
Let it RAIN

If I am not mistaken, then there is a lyrics forum where you can post potential song lyrics, because they are viewed in different way than normal poetry.
If I am mistaken, I apologize. Regardless of what this was, I enjoyed it immensely and hope you post more.
Don't forget about the three-reviews-to-one-story ratio here on yws.
keep writing,
The universe

Hey Corwin, Welcome to YWS!

Very nice poem, I think the main thing that needs to be fixed is punctuation and grammar.

In the days in which I'm dieing,
from the pains I have been hiding.

See the bold parts? Those are my corrections. You need to capitalize your I's, add a comma to the end of the first line, add a period to the second line, and add a apostrophe to the 'I'm'.

Looking for answers to questions I'm denying,
put on a fucking smile it's like I'm lieing

Once again, see the corrections for punctuation and grammar. Also, the 'fuckin' should either be fucking or fuckin'. The last thing for that part is you should count syllables when rhyming. Two rhyming sentences sound much better if they have the same amount of syllables. But in this case, the first sentence has thirteen syllables while the second one has eleven.

Making me fall apart, OR .
The hole inside my heart, OR .
I know I look alive Once again , OR .
Look alive, but I'm dieing on the inside,
from the pain,
from the pain.

Pretty much, you need to go through the poem and fix any of the grammar and punctuation. A good idea is to use a spellcheck on Microsoft Word or some other word processor, and it will often help with that. Like I mentioned previously, you should count the syllables on the rhymes if you want the poem to sound nice.

Overall, I do like the poem, the main thing you should work on is grammar and punctuation. Nice work, PM me if you need any more help!

~Firearris

Hey Corwin!

I think Empress is right on the money when she says that this seems to be more of lyrics than lyric poetry, so if you want me to move this to our lyrics section, just send me a PM and I'll be happy to move it for you.

Now, because this seems to be lyrics of some sort, all the typos really bug me. There are a lot of typos and missed capitalization and everything. Mind you, it's okay (to a certain extent) if you're trying to catch the dialect, but at least have "I'm" instead of "im." It's already annoying enough when I go to the lyrics websites and see their bad spelling.

Also... black text is the way to go. No need to color your words into blue.

Thanks for posting this! See you around YWS!

*Moved to Lyrics*