FREAK (full version--please critique!)

It all started when our protagonist, the freak, woke up in a moor. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly relieved, the freak punched a butterknife, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unexpectedly, she realized that her beloved feather was missing! Immediately she called her neighbor, Sadie. the freak had known Sadie for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Sadie was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... abrasive. the freak called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Sadie picked up to a very angry the freak. Sadie calmly assured her that most capybaras yawn before mating, yet koalas usually earnestly grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting the freak. Why was Sadie trying to distract the freak? Because she had snuck out from the freak's with the feather only eight days prior. It was a striking little feather... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before the freak got back to the subject at hand: her feather. Sadie yawned. Relunctantly, Sadie invited her over, assuring her they'd find the feather. the freak grabbed her coffee table and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sadie realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the feather and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if the freak took the ricer, she had take at least two minutes before the freak would get there. But if she took the car? Then Sadie would be alarmingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sadie was interrupted by seven dimwitted eagles that were lured by her feather. Sadie cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she recklessly reached for her fork and deftly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the moor, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the car rolling up. It was the freak.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of paper clips, so she knew she was running late. With a inept leap, the freak was out of the car and went wildly jaunting toward Sadie's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sadie was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the feather into a box of forks and then slid the box behind her ironing board. Sadie was stunned but at least the feather was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Sadie earnestly purred. With a calculated push, the freak opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling jerk in a truck,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Sadie assured her. the freak took a seat right next to where Sadie had hidden the feather. Sadie sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But the freak was distracted. A few minutes later, Sadie noticed a annoying look on the freak's face. the freak slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Sadie felt a stabbing pain in her back when the freak asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the feather right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on the freak's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's spoons from when she used to have pet bunnies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. the freak nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sadie could react, the freak aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The feather was plainly in view.

the freak stared at Sadie for what what must've been eight seconds. All of a sudden, Sadie groped sassily in the freak's direction, clearly desperate. the freak grabbed the feather and bolted for the door. It was locked. Sadie let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, the freak,' she rebuked. Sadie always had been a little annoying, so the freak knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Sadie did something crazy, like... start chucking oven mitts at her or something. Almost immediately, she gripped her feather tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Sadie looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from the freak. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for the freak. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Sadie walked over to the window and looked down. the freak was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, the freak was struggling to make her way through the pumpkin patch behind Sadie's place. the freak had severely hurt her leg during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral eagles suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the feather. One by one they latched on to the freak. Already weakened from her injury, the freak yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of eagles running off with her feather.

About four hours later, the freak awoke, her arm throbbing. It was dark and the freak did not know where she was. Deep in the uninhabited cornfield, the freak was extraordinarily lost. All of a sudden, she remembered that her feather was taken by the eagles. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a bloated eagle emerged from the cornfield. It was the alpha eagle. the freak opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the eagle sunk its teeth into the freak's foot. With a faint groan, the life escaped from the freak's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than eleven miles away, Sadie was entombed by anguish over the loss of the feather. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened sock. With a inept thrust, she buried it deeply into her abdomen. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about the freak... wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the feather that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant eagles, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

As usual Snoink, brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Only because of you... we love you Nate!

Only because I love you, Curves, I wrote this in response:

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Tangent, woke up in a swamp. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously pleased, Tangent attacked a ninja star, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, she realized that her beloved Penguin egg was missing! Immediately she called her annoying neighbor, Curves. Tangent had known Curves for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Curves was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... stupid. Tangent called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Curves picked up to a very calm Tangent. Curves calmly assured her that most Indonesian devil cats panic before mating, yet venomous koalas usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Tangent. Why was Curves trying to distract Tangent? Because she had snuck out from Tangent's with the Penguin egg only eleven days prior. It was a sassy little Penguin egg... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Tangent got back to the subject at hand: her Penguin egg. Curves sighed. Relunctantly, Curves invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Penguin egg. Tangent grabbed her refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Curves realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Penguin egg and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Tangent took the 'modded' Civic, she had take at least eight minutes before Tangent would get there. But if she took the Batmobile? Then Curves would be barely screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Curves was interrupted by nine clueless Kangaroos that were lured by her Penguin egg. Curves yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she fearlessly reached for her dull pencil and fearlessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Batmobile rolling up. It was Tangent.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so she knew she was running late. With a deft leap, Tangent was out of the Batmobile and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Curves's front door. Meanwhile inside, Curves was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Penguin egg into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind her giraffe. Curves was relieved but at least the Penguin egg was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Curves flamboyantly purred. With a careful push, Tangent opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive social outcast in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Curves assured her. Tangent took a seat vaguely close to where Curves had hidden the Penguin egg. Curves shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Tangent was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Curves noticed a annoying look on Tangent's face. Tangent slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Curves felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Tangent asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Penguin egg right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Tangent's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tangent nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Curves could react, Tangent thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Penguin egg was plainly in view.

Tangent stared at Curves for what what must've been eleven seconds. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Curves groped indiscriminately in Tangent's direction, clearly desperate. Tangent grabbed the Penguin egg and bolted for the door. It was locked. Curves let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tangent,' she rebuked. Curves always had been a little oafish, so Tangent knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Curves did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, she gripped her Penguin egg tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Curves looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tangent. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Tangent. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Curves walked over to the window and looked down. Tangent was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Tangent was struggling to make her way through the haunted thicket behind Curves's place. Tangent had severely hurt her taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Kangaroos suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Penguin egg. One by one they latched on to Tangent. Already weakened from her injury, Tangent yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Kangaroos running off with her Penguin egg.

About six hours later, Tangent awoke, her armpit throbbing. It was dark and Tangent did not know where she was. Deep in the hazy secret vineyard, Tangent was barely lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, she remembered that her Penguin egg was taken by the Kangaroos. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a shrunken Kangaroo emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Kangaroo. Tangent opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the Kangaroo sunk its teeth into Tangent's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Tangent's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than nine miles away, Curves was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Penguin egg. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her kidney. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Tangent... wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Penguin egg that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Kangaroos, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(