The Locust King [1]

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“Jack, can’t you just tell me what this is all about?”

“No Jane,” said the man driving the car, handsome and dark haired. “It would ruin the suspense of it all.”

“We’ve been driving in the car for five hours. I hope that this is going to be good,” said Jane.

Jack laughed. “It will definitely get us away from the stress of planning our wedding. Besides, you’ve wanted to go to where I’m taking you for your whole life.”

Jane, silent, curled a strand of her hair. She looked back at her fiancée, her eyes wide. “You don’t mean? We aren’t going to Rochester Point, are we Jack?”

She looked over at her fiancée, who was smiling. Rochester Point was a famous amusement park in the south of Illinois. Jane loved roller coasters, and Rochester Point was full of them; it also had delicious restaurants, fun theater and gift shops.

“We are going!”

Jack nodded. Jane could never have been happier. She especially wanted to get a go on ‘The Snake,’ which was the park’s grand attraction. She smiled brightly. “I love you,” she said, kissing him on the check.

“I love you too,” replied Jack with a smile.

“So, how much farther until we get there?”

“Any minute now,” said Jack, gesturing a ‘WELCOME TO ROCHESTER POINT’ sign. “And I already bought the tickets, so we should be able to check right into our hotel.” Jack smiled as he kissed her.



They arrived in their hotel room at around six in the evening; they were able to unpack, order room service, and watch a little TV. When they were done, it was eight o’clock.

“The park doesn’t close until two in the morning,” said Jack, looking at a brochure as he was lying down on their bed. “Maybe we can go quickly, enjoy a few rides.”

He sighed. The wedding planning had been extremely stressful, full of a lot of work, much more so then Jane or Jack had ever imagined. They both wished that real life was like a Disney fairytale, where the couples would get married on the same day that they were engaged.

It had been too stressful for either of them to endure, so they at least needed a break, and they were on it now. Jack needed to enjoy himself.

“Alright,” replied Jane. “Let’s get ready.”

Jane had tied her brown, highlighted blonde hair in a loose bun and got in a purple tank top and jeans; it was summer, and very warm.

Jack hadn’t changed, but he took a quick shower. Once they were ready, they exited their hotel room and got on a shuttle bus that would take them to the parks.



“I’m sorry sir,” said the man at the ticket booth. “I can’t let you in if you don’t have your ticket.”

“But I paid for it,” said Jack. “I just forgot in my hotel room.”
Their hotel was twenty-five minutes away from the park, and Jack had only realized that he had forgot his ticket twenty minutes into the drive, and there was no way he was going back. It would be ten o’clock, and a precious hour would have been wasted. At least Jane remembered hers.

“Can’t you look me up in your computer or something? My payment will be in the records.”
“What’s your name, son?”
“Jack Locust.”
“Ah, let me see now,” said the ticket man. He began to browse, and realizing how long it was taking, Jack told Jane to go wait for him inside the park.
“Your record isn’t showing up,” said the ticket man.
“But I paid for the tickets!”

“You’ll have to talk to the manager then,” said the ticket man flatly. “Shall I phone her for you?”

“Please,” said Jack. He waited as the ticket man dialed the phone and calmly explained the case. He then handed the phone to Jack.

The call seemed to last forever, when finally, Jack was told to go take a shuttle bus to the ticket office at the visitor’s center and tell him his name. Then, they would print him another ticket. Jack looked at his watch. It was around 10:30. He tried to call Jane, but she wasn’t picking up her cell phone.

They wouldn’t let him go into the park just to find her, either.
So Jack took the shuttle bus and got the reprint of his ticket, hoping that Jane wouldn’t be too worried about him. Jack figured that she would be having too much fun on the rides. After all, it was Jane who wanted to go, not him.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hiya!
I really liked the part when jack told Jane where he was taking her. It gave me tingles! But, I am confused about why Jane would go into the park without him? Why didn't she just go with him on the shuttle?
~Classy




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Hello Thorned. =)

Jack, can’t you just tell me what this is all about?”
No, [comma] Jane,” said the man driving the car, handsome and dark haired. “It would ruin the suspense of it all.”

Think about it. If you're in a car, unless you're being purposely sarcastic or jovial, are you really likely to specify someone by their first name, when there's no one else to talk to really, and then get an answer in the same way? It seems to me like you're just trying to cram in their names ASAP. Bring out the nature of the dialogue and the characters as a priority.

“No Jane,” said the man driving the car, handsome and dark haired.

That’s a horrible way to begin describing a character. It’s unnecessary, gets in the way and doesn’t contribute to the scene whatsoever – plus, it’s so much more beneficial to describe the features of a character without giving them a term like “ugly” or “handsome”. If you do it well, you shouldn’t need to consult such generic adjectives as the reader will reach the same conclusion anyway.
Don’t feel you need to describe a character’s physical appearance yet.

We’ve been driving in the car for five hours. I hope that this is going to be good

Generally, your dialogue has been very flat so far. I mean, who really talks like this? Try writing how you would talk, and this relates to my first point. Unless you have some super robot thing as your protagonist, cut off the "in your car" and perhaps apply some other, more colloquialised vocab here - for instance, "we've been in the car for five hours." And then for the second one, which I find very forced and unnatural, try, "This had better be good."

See what I mean? How characters talk defines a character's personality in a greater number of ways. Also read out your dialogue. I'll be a little less picky now.

Jane could never have been happier. She especially wanted to get a go on ‘The Snake,’ which was the park’s grand attraction.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't read well for their relationship. :wink: I mean, she's always wanted to go on a specific roller-coaster ride, for no apparent reason? What about when Jack proposed? What about when she got accepted into the most amazing university of everness? (Well, she probably didn't but you get my point.) This could, however, be a topic of a conflict that you could introduce to throw in some instability. Just a suggestion. =P

Okayzies! There was actually a good bit of character development in that middle section, and I can see some sort of idea beginning to take shape. However, that's how it will remain. Not enough happened in this opening section for me to appreciate it, and I still have absolutely no idea about any themes, any plot devices, any revelations - I don't even know the characters' ages.

Be sure to describe things much more. You skimmed over a lot of the thoughts much too quickly. I couldn't tell whether the opening scene was day, or night, or hot, or cold, or raining, or sunny - these all add up to build up an atmosphere, almost always crucial at the start of any story.

I'll leave it there for now. As always, feel free to PM me with any questions or thoughts. I'd be happy to help. Plus, let me know when #2's up. =)

Best
Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde



Poetry and prayer are very similar.
— Carol Ann Duffy