Removed

*Removed by author*

I suppose this was written after seeing some ancient war movie...or maybe not,nevertheless,it was fine.

The speaker seemed like a king looking out of his tower or a peasant looking at the night sky,or maybe anybody else.

The war explanation think kind of resembles Shakespeare.

The creative thought seems quite good despite it being short

Hi Rosey.

Not a lot to say with this one. You use quite a bit of descriptive language, and you use it well. The mental picture you paint in our heads is a very good one.

the light is no joke.

The word joke seems out of place in this. You might consider tweaking it a bit and putting a more formal word there. Joke just seems a tad too casual.

And, that's all I could really find in this. This piece has a good feeling to it. I like how you reference the old legends about the Aurora Borealis in this, though that's my own personal thing.

PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey there, Rosey! June here!


Pardon me if I'm harsh.


There are too many spaces in this that need to be filled in. You start us off with one sentence that implies a certain meaning, and by the next one, we're in a slightly different mindset, and at the next one, we're in a totally foreign one. By this, I mean, that your sentences seem unconnected, and I am not quite grabbing this as well as I should.

I think you need foreshadowing, maybe? I know you're limited in words, but I think that this needs some work done on it, Rosaic. There's the bits and pieces of the story, and it's not quite coherent. Read this aloud; I don't think that these flow quite as a human would speak -- not that it has to, but, you know, and try to make them flow a little easier. It's got those rough points in it.

I'm not so sure about this whole blood sky idea, either. The idea of a blood sky screams so much at me, and I'm afraid I don't see much of it in here, dear. I think you needto strategize, work this out-- make us taste the blood in the air, smell the fear; I want you to make me nervous with your words.

So, it's a start. I'd heavily consider working on this, because it's got potential.

Good luck writing. Thanks for the read; any questions, you know where to find me.

Juniper

I agree with Juniper. I was a little lost reading this. There is no clear idea as to what exactly is happening. A war, yes, but what does the narrator have to do with it. Who is the MC?

The descriptions were nicely done, but again at this point, unnecessary almost to the point that they bore. The piece is quite short though, so this can't be an accurate judging of the rest.

Overall: it's a nice concept but right now there is no story in there except that a war is starting. Try adding dialogue and characters to spice it up a little!

That's all, and keep writing!

Hi Rosey Unicorn,

No thanks.

I understand that it's supposed to be flash fiction and yes, that will mean that it's tighter and open to more extrapolation than most stories, but this is just ridiculous. You burst out in imagery for some parts while leaving others devoid of even a single description, pedantically describe one part while in the same breath attempt to make it as vague and ever-reaching as possible, and create assumptions that leave the reader cold and clueless.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Night has fallen.

Come up with a better term to describe Night than having her "fall" to the earth. This is the type of pseudo-opening-scene-that-really-doesn't-do-anything-for-the-story expected from a beginner to the fiction craft; no imagery, and the content punches the reader in the face instead of delivering the meat to him on a platter of light.

The canvas panels in the tower above me are painted red with light.

So what's so special about the "painting" metaphor? You just mention that it's painted...and then with light. This is an empty literary device. It looks sophisticated and qualified at first glance, and then as soon as the reader think "wait a minute" and comes back to it, the device is calculated. "Painted red with light". Why not just "lighted red"? There has to be a reason; make that reason stand out.

The cathedral-like space becomes almost a joke—all I see is black, white and red. But I know it’s not. Cold is creeping in, the tower being moved higher on the map.

Cathedral-like? Really? No. Any writer should know better than that. Change it.

"Moved higher" is the type of language that presents an action without really presents an action. The reader can visualize it being dragged against the papyrus and spread out in the North, or deepening in ink above the median of the page, but not "moved higher".

As I watch, the white seems to drop away. It falls to the ground like the snow of the North. Only the red is left, dancing on black, like the Northern Lights. There is still a tower rising up in the blackness, red light flowing over the surface, but in the North, the light is nothing to laugh at.

Why are you making so many hints to jokes and humor? Is this some kind of inside reference that only your intended reader knows? If it's intended for every reader, then these constant references to "jokes" and "to laugh", etc, make no sense. Remove them.

Red lights in the sky means war.

You've said "red lights" verbatim at least three times now, if not more. There has to be another way to describe this. Find it, and use it.

It is the blood of people slain, and now their spirits are warning of more to come. They dance, perhaps to prepare for the ranks of dead they know will arrive? Or, are these new spirits, telling their loved ones they have found a better place?

First of all, you can't just say that their spirits are warning of more to come. Show this to the reader.

Secondly, who cares about those pointless rhetorical questions that you ask at the end of that paragraph? It doesn't seem important at all; if it is, then clarify it.

The question now becomes, will the war end?

What...where did that come from? How are we supposed to take your word for it that this is the ultimate question? You haven't even hinted at it earlier. Granted, you made mentions of war and foreboding something, but it could have been taken ten different ways. This concrete and blunt question at the end is ugly and leaves no room for the reader to maneuver.

Overall, a dismal piece that has barely any redeeming value. If you do care enough to edit the piece (insofar as it is a flash fiction story, I doubt it), then good luck editing it.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Night has fallen. The canvas panels in the tower above me are painted red with light. The cathedral-like space becomes almost a joke—all I see is black, white and red. But I know it’s not. Cold is creeping in, the tower being moved higher on the map.

You don't take the time to set up a proper setting, so we have no idea where anything or anyone is. We don't even know when this is set. Nor do we know anything about the main character. The end result is that the reader has no idea what is going on after the first paragraph and that simply doesn't work.

As I watch, the white seems to drop away. It falls to the ground like the snow of the North. Only the red is left, dancing on black, like the Northern Lights. There is still a tower rising up in the blackness, red light flowing over the surface, but in the North, the light is nothing to laugh at.

This imagery makes no sense in context, because we have no frame of reference. We have no main character and no world, so how are we supposed to make heads or tails of this? Besides which, the colors themselves aren't associated with any object. White falls, but is it a white object that is falling or the color white? And how does a color fall anyways?

Red lights in the sky means war. It is the blood of people slain, and now their spirits are warning of more to come. They dance, perhaps to prepare for the ranks of dead they know will arrive? Or, are these new spirits, telling their loved ones they have found a better place?

This paragraph doesn't work because it uses telling. When you go from showing a story to telling a story, that should send up a red flag that something is wrong. Because we aren't sure of who is telling us this stuff, the reader is less likely to trust the source of this information. You need to develop the authority of the narrator/MC before you can expect people to believe him.

The use of the word "perhaps" gives us less confidence, because it implies that the narrator isn't sure either. In the end, we have no useful information, because the source is compromised.

The question now becomes, will the war end?

In the literary world, this sentence is the type which "begs the question." The problem with these sorts of things is that the writer is asking the questions that they want the audience to ask. They don't rely on the readers to ask the right questions. The reader despises such blatant attempts at manipulation.

I agree with a number of Galerius's points, but not this one:

Cathedral-like? Really? No. Any writer should know better than that. Change it.

The idea that any writer should know better implies that the item never works, that it is common knowledge that this item never works. There are hard and fast rules for English, but this isn't one of them.

I hope this gives you a better idea on why these paragraphs don't do a good job.

Hey Rosey! I heard a lot about this piece, so I figured I would drop by and comment.

First of all, flash fiction is just that... you are supposed to convey an interesting conflict in the least amount of words. Note that I said conflict. An image is usually not sufficient enough, and that's why a lot of modern flash fiction pieces fail -- because it's all about imagery and there's no conflict.

Look at your first couple of paragraphs:

Night has fallen. The canvas panels in the tower above me are painted red with light. The cathedral-like space becomes almost a joke—all I see is black, white and red. But I know it’s not. Cold is creeping in, the tower being moved higher on the map.

As I watch, the white seems to drop away. It falls to the ground like the snow of the North. Only the red is left, dancing on black, like the Northern Lights. There is still a tower rising up in the blackness, red light flowing over the surface, but in the North, the light is nothing to laugh at.

This is imagery, not conflict, and that's why it doesn't really work. You spend 107 words setting up a conflict that ends up being about 61 words. And yes, your title is "Blood Sky" but look what you did here:

Red lights in the sky means war. It is the blood of people slain, and now their spirits are warning of more to come.

That's good. It's a catchy introduction and it makes you wonder, "What is going to happen next? That's when you can use fanciful imagery to describe the red lights dancing above the frozen tundra... or whatever. So yes, you can start with this! In fact... I recommend it! The purpose of fiction is to describe a conflict and what better way to describe a conflict than to hook us with it?

But instead of describing the spirits, which is the most interesting part of this piece, you say this:

They dance, perhaps to prepare for the ranks of dead they know will arrive? Or, are these new spirits, telling their loved ones they have found a better place?

The question now becomes, will the war end?

The main problem with this part is that it asks us questions but doesn't actually show us anything. It would be more revealing to see the spirits dancing in the sky. Maybe they are saying things out to the people... since this is rather abstract, that sort of imaginative scene is entirely possible. So don't ask questions explicitly. Give imagery to make the reader wonder.

Speaking of imagery... let's look at your first two paragraphs again. Now, mind you, I would just recommend getting rid of these paragraphs. But with flash fiction, it is necessary to use few words to describe a lot... the fewer, the better. With that said, you can't put it ambiguous similes (it seems) or use the passive voice.

This is what you had:

Night has fallen. The canvas panels in the tower above me are painted red with light. The cathedral-like space becomes almost a joke—all I see is black, white and red. But I know it’s not. Cold is creeping in, the tower being moved higher on the map.

As I watch, the white seems to drop away. It falls to the ground like the snow of the North. Only the red is left, dancing on black, like the Northern Lights. There is still a tower rising up in the blackness, red light flowing over the surface, but in the North, the light is nothing to laugh at.

This is my revision, taking away the passive voice, extra words, weak similes, and ambiguous wording:

Night falls. Red light paints the canvas panels in the tower above me. All I see is black, white and red. I can't see straight. Cold creeps in; the tower moves higher on the map.

As I watch, the white drops away. It falls to the ground like Northern snow while red dances on black -- the Northern Lights. The tower still rises up, red light flowing over black.

Yep. I condensed that 107 words to 68. And mind you, you shouldn't take that and stick it for the beginning. It's not catchy enough, plus the imagery really wasn’t that strong anyway--the main conflict had to do with the spirits. But you should recognize that passive voice, ambiguous wording, extra words, and strange similes can hurt your story and make your style sound weak and confused.

Also, you’ll notice that I took away the joke thing. It’s probably just me, but I never actually considered that freaky towers spilling red light was actually really funny. I mean... come on. Ominous towers with swarming spirits aren’t really the funniest thing around, so you don’t have to constantly reassure us that no, in fact, it’s not funny. We get the hint. So when you rewrite, don’t bother telling us that it’s not funny. Just show us what the conflict is.

AND MIND YOU. You should probably just delete the paragraphs and describe the spirits instead. The tower thing actually sounds pretty clunky... like a weird combination between "The Golden Compass" and "The Lord of the Rings." And trust me on this... that's a bad, bad thing. So just take it out. But, when you revise the description, make the style a lot smoother. Besides, you only have a certain amount of words... make the most of it!

And that's that! Hope that helps and, as always, if you have any questions, feel free to bug me.

thread locked by the request of the author. -Moderator