Embarkation

I am wrestling with you on the inside, where you sit
perched on my shoulder like a cartoon devil, whispering
in my ear. I know it isn’t fair to blame you fully;
you yourself are the product of a long line of parents
who sat on the shoulders of their children, whispering,
and I am no longer that rage-fueled pubescent
who could hate you for trying
to guide her footsteps. You are still the star
I navigate by.

Yet lately, I have begun to think that this is not enough,
to rest becalmed in a safe harbor, protected
by the unchallenged cliffs of your forbearance.
It is not enough to stand on the shore and dream
of the mainland beyond the sleek horizon, tasting
but never touching the promises curled in each wave.
Let me launch myself on this journey
for which you have so long prepared me;
the winds are shifting, the tides are turning.
Let me ride them out into the wide ocean -
fill my sails with the strength of your blessing
so I may race the currents to my destination and rejoice
in the peaks and troughs of independence.

Release me. You will always be my refuge in a storm.

ETA: Thanks Evi, that was very helpful I get what you mean about the inside/outside clash in the first stanza, and it is partially intentional, but I'd love to smooth it out some; any suggestions how I can convey an internal struggle and still use the devil-on-the-shoulder image?

Hey Bubbles. ^^ I saw that this had no critiques, and I thought I'd throw in my two-cents.

I really loved this. Your narrator's emotion was well-presented, because it wasn't raw anger like so many poems-- it was more a gentle plea, someone standing up for themself without all of the attitude and fury that so many people fall back on. The writer could accept the fact that they can't always be independant, and I thought that made it all the more human and relatable.

One thing I loved was the constancy of your analogy: the sea, a journey. It was more effective than it would have been had you come up with a whole abundance of different metaphors to use, and I thought that was wonderful! We could stick with one image throughout the poem and go with it, hold onto it while seeing your imagery.

My suggestions are as follows:

I am wrestling with you on the inside, where you sit
perched on my shoulder like a cartoon devil, whispering

I'm wondering if this contradiction was purposeful? Because you mention them wrestling on the inside, but then perched on your shoulder. To me, this makes the more emotional image clash a bit with the physical image of sitting on a shoulder.

your yourself are the product of a long line of parents

It should be 'you yourself', surely?

but never touching the promises carried in the wind

I find the 'carried in the wind' analogy a bit cliched and over-used, especially compared to the other beautiful metaphors in this poem. I'd love to see it replaced with something more original.

You are still the star
I navigate by.

That. Is. Remarkably beautiful.

Really.

I realize that this critique is thoroughly unhelpful, but I loved the way your emotions were presented so gently, so reasonably. Great job, Bubbles. I'll keep an eye out for some more of your work!

~Evi

Bubbah!

The theme of the poem, I'm sure you have to agree...is not as worn as some theme's but is still a universally experienced one. But there is a huge scope still left in the theme for perspective.

A random suggestion for your inside outside issue: How about a version of you in your mind with the well-wisher-on-the-shoulder? Well, that could at least be a beginning.

Some impressions: Well, let me say that if you intend to actually show this to your parents...it will rock them. They will surely be touched. Unless, they are literary critics. The idea you want to drive in is that you no more need the protection of the guardian, you are steady on your own feet and require to leave the sheltering wing and the nest? The language you used though was mostly simple and the ideas were not too unique or thought provoking. The best lines, in terms of how effective they are in conveying your emotions have been quoted mostly by Evi.

The reassurances of the fact that the guardians will still be navigating star and storm shelter are also well-put. You did manage to put the "you parents were once children too" (going back generations) was also somewhat unique. Maybe what you need more is that unspoken detail (eg. how you mentioned the safe harbour and the dream of the mainland but didn't directly say it was like a secluded island >>which reminds me of Japan's isolationism). The word usage sounded a little oldish, but that's alright.

So...a fantastic poem to offer your parents on graduation day or birthday (or just like that), but not really memorable. Thanks for the read.

The Plant.