Perseus: Final Copy

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The final copy of my Perseus essay. This is the entire story I added more to the beginning and the middle and then made the end. Enjoy :D
This story is told by many people, in different country, and in different tongues. The story tells of bravery and cruelty. It shows that even men that can be as great as the Gods they serve. The story is of a man know as Perseus, and I will Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, will tell it as I remember it.
The story begins with King Acrisius of Argo who was blessing with a daughter whose beauty was greater than any women in the land. But Acrisius found little comfort in this for he wished for a son. He sought the Gods at Delphi and asked “Am I to have a son?”
“No,” came the priestess’ answer, “but your daughter will give birth to a boy who will bring upon you your death.”
Acrisius, who wished to escape this fate, built a house of bronze and sank it into the ground, leaving only enough above for air and light. Then he placed his daughter, Danaem into this bronze prison and had it guarded.
After many long days and nights, Danae had little to do but stare up into the clouds, but then a mysterious event happened. Golden light flowed into her bronze prison and slowly Zeus, the God of Olympus, appeared. He would be the one to sire her son, Perseus.
Danae desperately tried to conceal Perseas from his grandfather, but the her attempts were futile. “Who is his father!” roared Acrisius.
“Zeus,” Danae said defiantly.
Acrisius did not believe her, but he knew he was in danger if Perseus continued to live. Knowing that killing kindred was against the ways of the Gods held his hand, but he built a large crate and placed Danae and Perseus and cast them into the see.

Morning came with no hope of being saved by anyone. The sea was a flat and empty expanse of water in every direction. Then Posiden, God of the Oceans, by my wish, caused a wave to carry Danae and Perseus to land and there they were found by Dictys. Dictys’ and his wife had no children, so he took Danae and Perseus to his home where they were treated as family.
Polydectes, ruler of the island and brother to Dictys, was cruel and ruthless, but he took an interest in Danae. But he did not want Perseus, who was full-grown now, as a son. So he set it upon himself to find a way of killing him.
The snake-haired creatures known as the Gorgons whose stare could turn a man to stone, was Polydectes decision on killing Perseus. One day Polydectes confronted Perseus and said, “What would make me more pleased of you is if you brought, to me, a head of a Gorgon.”
“I will do that, if that’s what it takes to earn your favor,” replied Perseus.
Then when Polydectes had a party called on for him and his, soon-to-be, wife. And there is where Perseus announced, “I did not bring you a gift for you today, but I will bring, to you, the head of Medusa the Gorgon.” Everything was going to Polydectes plans for no man, unaided, could kill Medusa. But Perseus would not be alone for Hermes and I kept our ever vigilant eye upon him.
He left from Greece and sailed to Delphi, but all the priestesses said was to find the land where men only eat acorns. And so he traveled to Dedona, where their breads were made from the acorn. Selli, the people of Dedona, could only tell him that he was under the protection of Gods, they knew not where the Gorgons dwelled.
Then I and Hermes, Messenger of the Gods, revealed ourselves to Perseus. I and Hermes stood before him and he instantly fell to his knees. “Stand Perseus,” I said, “we have came to help you upon your endeavor. But to slay Medusa, you must be properly equipped. To find where the Gorgons dwell you must find the Nymphs of the North, but to find them you must seek the Grey Women.
“You will find them in the land where all was dim and in constant twilight. No rays of sun or moon will shine down upon this place. The Grey Women themselves are grey as their name says and they are withered from age. The woman share one eye between each other, and if you seek to question them you must steal the eyes as they switch.
“Hermes will guide you to the Grey Women.”
I do not know what caused me to help Perseus, but I knew this; there was promise with this mortal, I knew he would be a hero to people. Great things I knew would come from him and he would prove that men could bring down evil and not let it control them.
Before Hermes and Perseus set out on their journey to find the Grey Women, Hermes and I gave him gifts of power that would allow him to slay a Gorgon.
“I, Hermes, have brought you a sword that will cut through a Gorgon’s tough, scaly hide,” said Hermes producing a sword that was elegant and forged by the Gods. “May it serve you well in battle.”
“And I, Athena, have brought you a shield of polished bronze,” I said handing Perseus a shield which caught the sunlight and dazed anyone who looked at it. “You can use this shield to look at the reflection of the Gorgons and not be turned into stone by their evil gaze.”
“Thank you kind Gods,” Perseus said, “I will use both these gifts and bring down Medusa.”
“Now go Perseus,” I said, “go find the Nymphs of the North, learn of the Gorgon’s location, and slay Medusa.”
And so Perseus set out with Hermes and found where the Grey Women lived. He hid nearby, and as the Grey Women began to switch eyes he jumped out and seized it. “Tell me where to find the Nymphs of the North,” demanded Perseus, “you will get your eye back when I leave.”
“We will tell,” the Grey Woman said desperately, “please give us our eye.” And so they gave Perseus the information to find the Nymphs and were glad when they receive their eye.
And now Perseus set out to find the Nymphs of the North and with his guide being Hermes, he soon found them. When they arrive to the Nymph’s dwelling they were welcomed with open arms and great banquets were ready as they always were with the Nymphs. And as the flute and the lyre paused gifts were presented to Perseus. The gifts were a pair of winged sandals which allowed the wearer to fly, a wallet which sized itself to whatever it was told to carry, and a cap that made the wearer invisible. And with mine, the Nymph’s, Herme’s gifts in hand Hermes and Perseus flew back south to where the Gorgons dwelled on the Terrible Sisters’ island.
And as fate would have, they came upon as the Gorgons slept when Perseus spotted them in his shield. The Gorgons had great wings and their body was covered in scales of polished gold, and upon their heads was a mass of living snakes.
I and Hermes stood beside him and we indicated to Perseus which one was Medusa, because for she alone was the only Gorgon they could be killed. Perseus flew above the Gorgons with his winged sandals and stared at them through his shield. Then with a single slash, Perseus, removed Medusa’s head. He flew down only enough to grab the head of Medusa which he deposited into his magical wallet. But then the other two Gorgons awoken and were horrified to find their sister slain by forces they couldn’t see, for Perseus wore his cap of invisibility.
Perseus made his way home, but made a stop at Ethiopia. By this time Hermes and I have left his side. He learned that a maiden was to be given to a serpent of the sea. Her name was Andromeda and she was the daughter of a boastful woman.
He mother boasted that she was more beautiful than the daughters of Nereus, the Sea-God. But punishment would not fall on Queen Cassiopeia’s, Andromeda’s mother, shoulders, but her daughter. She was to be offered to the sea serpent because a oracle had promised they would be free if Andromeda was offered to the vile creature.
When Perseus had arrived, he found the Andromeda chained to a rocky ledge awaiting her fate. But as fate would have it Perseus fell into instant love with her and as the sea serpent went to devour the maiden, Perseus removed the creature’s as he did Medusa. Then Perseus took the woman and asked her parents, “May I take your daughter’s hand, for I have fell deeply in love with her and I wish to have her as my wife. I find no woman’s beauty above her’s.” And Andromeda’s parents gladly let Perseus marry her.
And with his new wife, Perseus sailed back to the island from which his quest began. The fisherman, Dictys’, wife was long since dead by this time, but his mother and Dictys still lived, but they were hidden in a temple because Danae had refused to take Polydectes hand in marriage. He soon learned that the Polydectes was holding a feast in the palace and quickly rode there to present the head.
When he entered he took and the head and said, “I have brought you the head of Medusa as I promised.” But the men of the court never heard a word for they had turned to stone and they sat there forever on as statues.
Danae and Dictys finally emerged from their hiding when the news went around that Polydectes was stone and no longer their ruler. He proclaimed that Dictys was to be the king of the island and he, his mother, and new wife traveled to Greece and reconciled Acricius.
When they arrived in Argos they found that Acrisisus was driven out from the city, and where he was, no one knew. Then soon after they heard that the King of Larissa was holding a contest for athleticism and Perseus journeyed to take part. And as Perseus was throwing the discus it swerved into the crowd and struck his father who came to watch the contest. Acrisius was killing at once.
I was soon given Medusa’s head and I bore it upon aegis, Zeus’s shield, and carried it for him.
This is, and will always be, the true story of Perseus told from I Athena. No matter how many countries it’s told in or how many tongues, the story will always be told how a man made a achievement only a Gods could do.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




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Wow. I liked this... sortof. There was a whole lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. First he did this, then he did this, and then after that he..... You are listing the facts in order, which doesn't make for an exciting story. Also, this category is supposed to be fiction. This piece obviously wasn't something that actually happened, but the story of Perseus has been told over and over and over. If you are going to write this as a story, and not a essay, you need some originality. Make this piece your own!

It needs more dialogue in the begining, you need to make good characters, since as they are they are basically just names. And finally, SPACE THIS THING OUT!!!! it's a fairly long story, and since you have it as one long block of text, it can be very discouraging to try and read it. I think that's probably why you don't have any comments on this as it is.

In summary:
Dialogue
Characters
DESCRIPTION!
Spacing
Originality

Those are my main points. I have always enjoyed reading about mythology, and I think that you have very good base for a story. But it definitely needs some work.




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Before anyone says anything else on detail I need to say a few things. This was a Essay and I only had story to work off in my English book and that didn't provide a lot either. So If there isn't any detail I was only working with what I had.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1544
Reviews 169
Thank you to all who reviewed this. I got the paper back recently and got a 98% :D. My teacher said I know how to write a story.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5388
Reviews 196
I promised you a review on a different piece of yours, but everyone caught what I'd had to say already, so I thought I mine as well review a different piece of yours! :D I hope you don't mind. I'm really, terribly sorry; I didn't know there was going to be that many reviews there already, and in such depth! :O

Anyway! :backtotopic:

The story is of a man knowshould be "known" as Perseus, and I will Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, will tell it as I remember it.


This sentence seems a little confusing. To me, at least. Try rearranging it or changing some words to something more like this;
"The story is of a man known as Perseus; and I, Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, shall tell it."

See, the original version led me to believe that you were willing the goddess Athena to read the story, not that you were actually being Athena in first person.

But Acrisius found little comfort in this for he wished for a son.


The "but" at the beginning shouldn't be there; it isn't grammatically correct to begin with an "and" or "but". Also, there should be a comma in there, right after "this". Or! You can get rid of "for" and just replace it with a semi- colon! I <3 semi- colons :P

The story begins with King Acrisius of Argo who was blessing with a daughter whose beauty was greater than any women in the land.


"Blessing" should be "blessed".

Then he placed his daughter,


Since this is a story that is more... rustic, then you should give it a rustic flair. Try rearranging the words to make it;
"He then placed..."
A simple change that makes a big difference in the flow of that sentence ;)

Then he placed his daughter, Danaem into this bronze prison and had it guarded.


:o How rude! :?

Danae desperately tried to conceal Perseas from his grandfather, but the her attempts were futile.


Typo alert! :P Simple mistake ;)

“Who is his father!” roared Acrisius.


That should be a question mark, not an exclamation point ;) . You can put an exclamation point right after the question mark though!

but he built a large crate and placed Danae and Perseus and cast them into the see.


Into the "see"? :lol: It should be "sea", deary!

But he did not want Perseus, who was full-grown now, as a son.


Again, try not to start anything with "and" or "but" because it isn't grammatically correct!

Then I and Hermes, Messenger of the Gods, revealed ourselves to Perseus. I and Hermes stood before him and he instantly fell to his knees.


You are using "I and Hermes" too much. It sounds too repetitive. Try starting the second sentence with "we" instead. ;)

And with his new wife, Perseus sailed back to the island from which his quest began.


Starting a sentence with "and" or "but" are incorrect enough, but being repetitive about it is not a good thing! Please, please, please! Please change it! :cry:

I was soon given Medusa’s head and I bore it upon aegis,


If "aegis" is a name, it should be capitalized :)

story of Perseus told from I Athena.


There should be a comma after "I".

the story will always be told how a man made a achievement only a Gods could do.


That needs a lot of work. I think it should've been more like this;
"the story will always be told of how a man made an achievement normally only Gods can do.

Better? I think so. It flows much better and follow grammar a little more closely. Always hug grammar because grammar loves you too. :lol:

So! It was mostly things to do with grammar, punctuation, spelling, and the way you rearranged the words. I'm sorry, that's a lot. I hope I helped though! That was wonderful, you teacher was right. You know how to write a story!

P.S. congrats on the 98%! Awesome job!

Write on 8)

~April
Have a peanut =)

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it is quite something to wound someone and then pity their scars
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