Before I get into the review, I'd like to remind you of the YWS 2:1 ratio. For every work you post, you have to write two reviews on other people's works. A "review" being at least three lines long. ^_^
Repetition: At the beginning, mostly, you repeat a lot of things such as "I thought wrong" and "God." It makes things a bit uninteresting. Mixing up descriptions and using different words to talk about an emotion or feeling (or thought) is the biggest gift to a piece of writing.
Idea/Message: It was a bit muddled in here. A wonderful idea, but a bit muddled. Because of the repetition and the lack of a full back-story, or the lack of more concrete examples, it's a bit hard to fully grasp what you're trying to get at.
At the end, when you were talking about hiding, I feel that idea could be expanded a bit more. How were the characters hiding is the main question to answer. You give some examples and you do tell us, but because the though-thread to this story is a but hard to follow, those examples are hard to catch.
Overall: I think this work has a lot of promise and it just needs a touch more polishing. Clean up some repetition and make things clearer. You'll have a very powerful work on your hands!
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
After reading the whole piece I don't clingy is the right word for this part. Maybe something closer to desperate would work better.
I like the repetition of "I thought wrong". I think that it shows the narrator's regret and despair. I agree with Rosey Unicorn about expansion. I was a bit confused as to why the friend is hiding. I think people can really relate to this. A lot of people have been in that situation where they went after someone they wish they never had. Overall I think this is a good piece.
I'm kinda new to this stuff so I'm not gunna be heavily critical because I'm too nice!! lol Sooooo I really like your piece it's brilliant and I love how honest you are. It's hard to be completely open about yourself but it makes it so much more appealing and that what I see as the message to this piece is too.
Hey there, welcome to YWS! Just something to keep in mind...we like to try to keep a 2:1 ratio on reviews to stories here and usually I want people to do this before I review their work but since this is a super special week, I'm letting it slide. (Just pinky promise you'll make some reviews!)
myturntobebrave wrote:I liked you. If I care to admit it, I still do. But, I'm not going to admit it. I'm not that clingy.
Great opening. It's interesting and it draws the reader in. Nice job.
I liked it. It was an interesting topic. Slightly repetitive and it kind of had the air of 'teenage girl writing a letter to herself in her room' in my opinion. You did a good job of expressing her feelings and everything and overall I thought you did a nice job.
Gold star for you!
-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
