Shadows

Prologue: New Venice, Year 73
"I think we should be leaving imminently, Evaline, dearest?"
The tall woman standing in front of the mirror fastened the priceless opal necklace around her neck and swept her long blonde hair over her shoulders.
"Yes," she said, turning around and taking her husband by the elbow. "You have a fly, my dear, on your back," she said, quietly, her lips barely moving, and she reached up to sweep it away.
Off it flew, and she turned to watch its zig-zag progress through the air. A man was standing, quite still, against the wall.
"I am so terribly sorry," he said in a soft voice.
The shadows of Evaline and her husband disappeared. They were motionless for a heart-stopping moment, and then they crumpled to the floor like paper, like they had never really been there at all.
The man sauntered forwards, swathed in shadow, and bent to check the pulses of the last heirs to the Royal Thrones of New Venice. Then he glanced at his watch and smiled, secretively.
"Time of death, 13:56, Standard New Venice Time."

Chapter One: London City Hall, Present Day
"Your Honour?"
"Yes, Smethwick, what is it now?" The Mayor of London examined a paper as he jogged down the corridor, his assistant, Anna Smethwick, bustling along behind him.
"Lord and Lady Kenwick Piazzo have been found dead in their Venice Residence," she said, scanning a printout the Mayor had just shoved into her hands.
The Mayor stopped dead in his tracks.
"Sir?"
"That's the third time this week," he muttered. "Course of action?"
"I'll need to check the computers, sir." Anna bit her lip anxiously.
"Do that, then. Jump to it." He glanced at his watch.
"Oh, and Smethwick?" he called, as she reached the end of the corridor, "Put the Royal Family on Red Alert, won't you?"
She nodded, and spun through the door and out of sight. The Mayor carried on, taking a right turn and striding into Conference Room 3C.
"Right, sorry I'm late, everyone, urgent business to attend... to..." He trailed off at the sight of the empty room. He set his briefcase down on the table.
"Hm. Must have got the time wrong." He turned to the water dispenser. As the ice-cold beverage flowed into the plastic cup, a human shadow slid up the wall and flickered up to the ceiling.
He froze.
A moment later, however, he decided it must have been a trick of the light, and slowly drank.
Meanwhile, human shadows that were definitely not his own ripple on the floor, out of the Mayor's notice.
When he turned back to the room, all eight shadows flickered and died.
The Mayor of London sat at the ninth chair around the glass table, and waited for the eight extremely important politicians who were never going to arrive.

Chapter Two: Troon, Scotland, Present Day
Kate dropped her bag inside the front door, heaving a huge sigh. It was only Monday, and she was already exhausted.
"Mum? You home?" she called, kicking her shoes off and padding down the hallway in her tights. No answer. Oh well. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a strawberry milkshake before heading to the living room.
She was well and truly settled on the sofa and watching TV when the phone rang. And it was just getting interesting as well. She slowly got up off the sofa and answered the phone in the hall.
"Hello?"
"Kate! Thank goodness! I've been trying to reach you all day!"
"I was at school, Dad," she sighed, twisting the phone cord around her finger. She knew her dad had a very important job and all that, and he couldn't be expected to remember everything, but school...
"Why didn't your mother answer the phone then? I tried her mobile, but it was switched off! Could I speak to her, please?"
"She's not in, Dad. I don't know where she is." Kate tapped her foot impatiently, straining to hear the TV blaring in the living room. There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, and then her father muttered something about 'irresponsible parenting'. Kate waited.
"Well I need to speak to her as soon as possible. Urgently."
"Can't you speak to m-" Kate started, but he'd already hung up. Suddenly, she didn't feel like watching the TV. She grabbed her coat and went out to find her mum.

Hiya!

Time: The time thing is a bit confusing here. "Year 73" makes me think this is happening far in the past, while "present day" makes me think this is a history murder mystery that's being opened back up (which does happen, btw). When you talk about "just killed" it throws the flow off. Clear things up please. ^_^

Description: Stuff like "priceless" is a bit flat when describing the necklace. It gives us no indication as to what the necklace is old, new, ect. I'd replace "priceless" with "heirloom" to add another lair of description.

Also, in general you're a bit obvious in your descriptions. Here, for instance:

The Mayor of London sat at the ninth chair around the glass table, and waited for the eight extremely important politicians who were never going to arrive.

"Extremely" is a bit uncalled for here. The whole description also leaves us wanting more. Who were they? Why was the meeting called? Also, even though I do like the end of this sentence ("Who were never going to arrive") It seems a bit repetitive. Since the prologue, combined with the mention of shadows on the floor and all the walls, add up to the people dieing.

Add in more description instead of just giving us short, sometimes flat, words to describe things.

Emotion: The office scene was very unemotional. I'm pretty sure city workers are trained to react with a cool head, but the way you describe things seems to be pushing it. Surely there will be some reaction to the royal family dieing, no?

Overall: I found this a bit too obvious to be enjoyable. It might help if you deleted the prologue. The prologue must be handled with care, or else it could give too much away. I think that's happened here.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hi eliemc! Welcome to YWS!
Just to let you know, we like to keep a 2:1 ratio on reviews to stories here and usually I'm kind of a big stickler on this and want people to have done some reviews before I look at their work but I'm letting it slide this weeks because its a super special week (Just pinky promise you'll make some reviews! )

eliemc wrote:"I think we should be leaving imminently, Evaline, dearest?"

General pet peeve of mine: stories starting with dialogue. I understand getting right into the story and everything but give me an epic first sentence followed by a little bit of background so the reader knows what going on

eliemc wrote:"You have a fly, my dear, on your back," she said, quietly, her lips barely moving, and she reached up to sweep it away.

This doesn't read very well to me. Try 'You have a fly on your back, my dear.'

eliemc wrote:Off it flew, and she turned to watch its zig-zag progress through the air. A man was standing, quite still, against the wall.
"I am so terribly sorry," he said in a soft voice.

This first sentence doesn't read very well to me either. I think I would start off the sentence with her instead of the fly. (If that made sense ) Try something like 'She turned to watch it fly off, making a zig-zag pattern through the air.'
The second second, I don't know. It doesn't really fit for me with the other line. I think the first sentence should be moved to the previous paragraph and the second one should be moved to this next paragraph.
So it would read, '...her lips barely moving. After sweeping it away, she turned and watched it's zig-zag pattern through the air.
A man was standing, quite still, against the wall.'

eliemc wrote:"Lord and Lady Kenwick Piazzo have been found dead in their Venice Residence," she said, scanning a printout the Mayor had just shoved into her hands.

I'm slightly confused. Were these the people that just died in the previous section? If so, it's confusing because you said Year 76 and the Present Day.

eliemc wrote:"Oh, and Smethwick?" he called, as she reached the end of the corridor, "Put the Royal Family on Red Alert, won't you?"

Wait, I thought the Royal Family died out.

eliemc wrote:The Mayor of London sat at the ninth chair around the glass table, and waited for the eight extremely important politicians who were never going to arrive.

Love this line. Very dark, ominous, great job

eliemc wrote:Chapter Two: Troon, Scotland, Present Day

Wow these are short chapters! (Kinda like James Patterson )

eliemc wrote:She was well and truly settled on the sofa and watching TV when the phone rang. And it was just getting interesting as well.

Combine these two sentences. Something like: 'She was well....and watching TV when the phone rang, just as it was getting interesting.'


This is a good start.
Try to build the characters and the plot more. Right now it feels kind of flat, I don't really feel like I know any of your characters and I'm not very engaged in the plot. I think the best way to do this would be to simply add more 'explanation' paragraphs. Don't info-dump, but give us some background, let us know who these characters are.

((If you have any questions or need anything, feel free to PM me! ))

-Carly