Mississippi

Mississippi


Like running water
rips a stone apart
atom by atom,
it happened slowly.
Well, he always was
as sure of himself
as the Mississippi.

She didn’t realize
something had broken,
not right away,
but today she had to remind herself
to smile.

She always thought
she was such a good swimmer.
Now she’s turned up missing.

Nothing’s going to change,
do you hear?
Nothing’s ever going to change.
You thought that you were so damn smart,
thought you were invincible,
and his currents sucked you in.
No one sees you here. No one will save you.
You’ve never even crossed his mind –
how do you like that thought? It’s true.
How does that make you feel, girl?
How do you feel now?

I know the Mississippi
has taken many lives
but I thought that I could swim.
I thought that I knew how.

So...I think I'm addicted to your poetry. Seriously.

I love this. Everything works wonderfully, especially the Mississippi analogy (metaphor? simile? ) and coupled with the stanza that's in second person it reminds me of those old grandmothers in Middle America. (I know that it's the narrator talking to herself, but she adopts that tone.) And it's this great coming-together of heartache and prairie.

And then the last stanza finishes it on a lovely, bittersweet, melancholy note.

Um, for the purposes of being constructive, let me find something to critique.

atom by atom,

There it is. The only thing I really don't like about this line is that it doesn't seem to fit. Because the poem is, besides lovesickness, all about nature and the river and then...atoms? That's science-y and different and throws off the whole lovely image of the water. So...I don't know, what about doing something with erosion, or even replacing it with 'little by little' or something more eloquent?

Don't ever stop writing or I will hunt you down and...make you start again somehow.
-Mars

Haha!
love the avatar, I know exactly how that feels!

Anyway...I don't know a ton about poetry but I'm going to give this a try...we'll see how it goes...


I really like this. Seriously, I'm not really a poetry person but I thought this was really beautiful and almost peaceful in a way.
However, the first stanzas (? Is that what you call them? That's what you call them in lyrics ) and the last stanza seem kind of soft to me but the second to last one 'Nothing's going to change...' seems a lot more hard. I don't know if that makes sense and I don't know if that was intentional but that's the impression I got.
Like you have all these short little lines and it flows all nicely and almost peacefully (even though the subject isn't that peaceful ). And then you get to that second to last stanza and lines are a lot longer and they don't flow the same way.
I don't know
I really liked it, though. Good subject matter and you expressed it in a really good way. Gold star for you!

-Carly

Whoa. Just... whoa.

ScriboErgoSum wrote:Like running water
rips a stone apart
atom by atom,
it happened slowly.
Well, he always was
as sure of himself
as the Mississippi.

Excellent beginning! I like starting with the inversion, and then the use of "Well" gives it such a voice! Great, great.

She didn’t realize
something had broken,
not right away,
but today she had to remind herself
to smile.

You know, I envy you -- you have a great grasp of line breaks, something I'm still working on. Not sure what's breaking here, though -- her spirit, perhaps?

She always thought
she was such a good swimmer.
Now she’s turned up missing.

Hmm... This stanza seems a bit short, a bit incomplete somehow.

Nothing’s going to change,
do you hear?
Nothing’s ever going to change.
You thought that you were so damn smart,
thought you were invincible,
and his currents sucked you in.
No one sees you here. No one will save you.
You’ve never even crossed his mind –
how do you like that thought? It’s true.
How does that make you feel, girl?
How do you feel now?

Okay, here's where I have some issues. It's a great idea, and I can hear the voice reprimanding her, but it's a bit long and wordy. I love "his currents sucked you in," because now we see the connection between "him" and the "Mississippi." And again, I like the casual wording of "How does that make you feel, girl?" Adds flavor.

I know the Mississippi
has taken many lives
but I thought that I could swim.
I thought that I knew how.

This, again, changes from the tone, and I'm not sure how to make it smoother. Interesting connection to the above stanza, but... I'm not sure. I think that last stanza still throws me off, so when I get to this one, I'm sort of spun around a bit.

Try shortening that one stanza. You have a talent for saying so much in so little, exactly like the beginning of the piece! Try to harness that again and just give us the feeling. We can understand "he" is the strong current, so you don't have to spend several lines explaining it -- one will suffice.

I'd love to see this fixed up! It has excellent potential.