And Then.

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Rated PG-13 for Language and Graphic Violence.


We should have listened.
Those were the words that danced across everyone’s lips as they crawled out of collapsed homes or crushed cars. The phrase was repeated, rising and twisting with the screams that also echoed, until it sounded as though one large person sobbed the sentence to the heavens. Children who were too young to even realize what was going on rocked on the sidewalks, cheeks stained from tears as they too whispered the phrase that they didn‘t even comprehend. Most adults were crying harder then the children, choking out the words as if doing so could reset the clock and give humanity another chance.
I had murmured the words myself, as I scrambled to shove my way out from under my bed. The ceiling had collapsed in on it, pinning me under the crumpled frame. It had taken me fifteen minutes just to stop whimpering. Once I did, I realized that, though my body ached all over, nothing was seriously injured. I could still move all my limbs at least.
My apartment was still mostly intact. The floors above ours had been ripped off by God-knows-what. I had almost collapsed with relief then, tears of thanks seeping out, as well as horror for those who had been trapped in the condemned rooms. Shakily, I’d made my way across the rubble, hardly able to recognize my home any more. My brothers guitar lay strangled, the shaft dangling off and not one string still attached. He would be heartbroken.
If he was still alive.
For the longest time I had just stood there, staring at the guitar and allowing my mind to buzz. The silence was complete. Nothing could be heard, not in all of Seattle. Even the breeze that fluttered through the hole that had once been a wall filled with our family photos seemed muted. It was as if someone had pressed giant pillows against the speakers of the world.
Moments after I thought this, the first scream came. From then on that was all that anyone could hear. The screams. Peoples names rose above the screeches of horror especially, wavering with desperation as loved ones searched for loved ones. I didn’t scream or call out. My only loved one was not here.
An hour later, when I had managed to navigate down through the labyrinth that had once been my home, the screams were still going. Those who’d had no more strength to cry out had only been replaced by more delirious victims. As I stood in the door, the smell of sweat and dust unfurled in my face, causing me to cough harshly. I stumbled into the street, pushed several times by racing men who had turned into animals in their complete and utter terror.
‘So this is what humanity truly is’ I had thought with an eerie calm. Take away the schedules and orderly lives. Put people in a situation where the only emotion they can feel is tribal fear. This is when true character will emerge. This is when we see that we are nothing more then animals. Though we have placed ourselves on the top of the stack, as the King of the Hill, the truth is all we have done is taken away the fear. The fear of being hunted. Once that fear is gone, those who had once been prey, now became predators.
“We have become prey again.”
My voice had been terribly cracked, as rough as when I had been sick for a week with strep throat. No one noticed that I had spoken. Those who had not been running merely drifted around, stunned, or lay sprawled on the pavement if they were injured. Now the scent of blood had joined that of dust and sweat. I realized then that I had fallen to my knees, sinking into the rubble at my feet.
“You fools! You damned fools!” A screech echoed across the street, piercing and sharp, almost like a raptor. Surprisingly, the nearby screams came to an abrupt halt, and heads turned to gaze wide eyed at the speaker. It was an old women, crooked and bleeding from the head. She shook terribly, the whites of her eyes vivid against her almost black irises as she inched forward. Her long, twisted fingers reached out as if to gash out the eyes of any who would come near.
“He tried to warn us all!”
I wanted to raise my hands to my ears, block out her voice forever. I had not known how long that voice would haunt me in my dreams. Had I, perhaps I would have not been so hungry for information, and drawn even closer to hear her words.
“The boy! He tried to warn us and you all turned a damned deaf ear. Now you shall pay for your sins!”
She cackled then, a hand digging into her the crevice of her breasts and producing a cross, which she gripped tightly. I had been close enough to see how hard she was squeezing it; so hard, scarlet blood seeped from her palm to slither down her pale, almost translucent, wrist.
“He’d said the world would fall! He’d warned us, yes! Yes, he did! You all called him insane! May God have mercy on your poor, damned souls!”
The last words were whispered, yet all seemed to hear.
“He’d told us the end out arrive. And now it has.”
The wails started up again, this time even worse then before. As the women hobbled past me, I could hear the remnants of what had most likely been a prayer scrambling from her dry, cracked and bleeding lips. It had sent chills down my spine. I’d never been very religious, but now I wish that I had. It would have been nice, to hope that someone would save you. At that moment, I only had myself.
Presently, I’m curled up in a grocery store with around fifty other people. No one has touched the food, although everyone must be starving. Everyone knows it will run out eventually, I think. That may be why.
Tomorrow, I’m leaving to find my brother. He was flying to Los Angeles to hold a press conference of some sort. I hope that what has happened here has not there. That hope is feeble, however. What little we got out of the news report, before the power shut down, was that similar attacks have broken out all across the world. We only heard eight major cities, then the TV blinked off. Ours was not one of them. Neither was L.A.
The linoleum is freezing, the chill even seeping through the blanket I’m laying on. It was once white and green checkered, but now the white has turned a sort of mottled gray, and I can trace pictures in the scuff marks and dirt that tarnish it. A woman still sobs over in the freezer department, but other then her, it is silent. As I gaze around quietly, I can see that most are staring vacantly at the floors or the walls. Shell Shocked was the military term, I think. Anger suddenly wells in my throat, making my palms sweat and breath jerk with hatred for the human race and it‘s desire to believe that it‘s invincible. The old woman was right - everyone should have listened. My brother had told them. He’d told them the world was going to end.
And it had.
Last edited by The Cheshire Cat on Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!




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Hey Cheshire, this was very well written and I can't wait to read more. The only thing I found was this:
Yu all called him insane!


I think it was supposed to be You, just a typo. Good job.
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Wow, that kept me gripped from beginning to end.

The paragraph on the nature of humanity seemed a bit out of place. Thought trails like that can lead your reader off in another direction.

'I’d only had myself,' - Either 'I had only myself,' or 'I only had myself.' Go with the latter, the first one sounds a bit odd too.

Is this a stand alone thing, or part of a story? If it's a story, let me know when you post the next part :)




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I really liked this. I couldn't see any other errors, other then the ones already pointed out. I'd like to see where this goes, so PM me whenever you write more!

~Nikki
Dont say we're not right for each other. The way I see it, we're not meant for anyone else.




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I really enjoyed this. I find writing 1st person really difficult, but you did a very good job of it.

I spotted a mistake; just a typo:
As the women hobbled past me


Also, this bit bothered me:
one large person sobbed the sentence to the heavens

For some reason, I think it shhould be 'words' instead of 'sentence', but that's probably just me being weird.

I love the contrast in the first line, where you wrote,
Those were the words that danced across everyone’s lips as they crawled out of collapsed homes or crushed cars.

The word 'danced' contrasts really nicely with the situation and such.

If you write more, I'd love to see it!




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This is such an awsome story, easly the start of a novel! If you make it into one tell me! You pulled me into your wonderful world right off! You should team up with tamora Pierce another amazing teller of stories!
"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum-security twilight home in Australia" Dame Edna Everage




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Hello, my name is Colt. Wow, that was grasping enough! I hope you make it into a novel, I'd love to read it. I'm sorry, but it needs a new title. It bores me, but everything else has been covered already. Bravo!
"We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible." Vince Lombardi

~You've just been ticketed by the Grammar Police! 1000 word essay fine.




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The only typo I found was this.
An hour later, when I had managed to navigate down through the labyrinth that had once been my home, the screams were still going.

It should have been: An hour later--when I had managed to navigate down through the labyrinth that had once been my home--the screams were still going.
Other then that it was grate! This has real potential for a novel :D
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.




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And then I read a beginning that grips my attention...

The first sentence is excellent; it hints at change without revealing everything. It makes me want to know more.

Well done. I am impressed.

Now for my suggestions...

Avoid using the plural form of nouns. In other words, instead of saying "everyone did this" or "everyone did that," it usually works if you just say "one man did this" or "a child did that." It gives us, the readers, a clearer picture if we are only thinking of one image at a time.

Alternate between focusing on the main character and the character's surroundings. Do this in separate paragraphs.
In other words, don't talk about the main character AND his surroundings in the same paragraph. It gives the reader a clearer picture, and it prevents you from accidently jumping around.

In the paragraph

“You fools! You damned fools!” A screech echoed across the street, piercing and sharp, almost like a raptor. Surprisingly, the nearby screams came to an abrupt halt, and heads turned to gaze wide eyed at the speaker. It was an old women, crooked and bleeding from the head...

I suggest talking about the woman before having her speak. That way we know it's not the main character speaking.

For example:

An old woman fell to her knees. "You fools! You damned fools"

(Sorry, I'm new to this site; I don't know how to put your paragraph in a [quotes] box)

Anyway, those are my suggestions.

Great beginning. I want to know where this is going. You make me want to read more.
Good job.




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This is really good, I normally don't read anything post-apocalyptic but I kept reading in order to see any clue on what had happened who did it, etc. Sorry I don't have any critiques, couldn't find anything wrong.




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Right on, man. I want to know know what the heck happened! If you continue to post this I'll continue reading it. I only have a few suggestions that you may or may not like.

Even the breeze that fluttered through the hole that had once been a wall filled with our family photos seemed muted.


This sentence seems a little run on. I'd merely rework it so it flows. Maybe just by removing a few words.

Ours was not one of them. Neither was L.A.


I think if you flip the order of these two sentences it will be a lot more powerful in context. Something like this.

L.A. was not one of them. Then again, neither was ours.


Lastly, I feel instead of capitalizing both words in "Shell shocked" you should just use quotes like I've just done.

I enjoy the slow methodical pace you're setting for your story here and I want to see more!




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I have to say, this is really good, I wrote something like this a while ago, but I don't think it was nearly as good. All the typos have been pointed out. If you write anymore, please tell me, I'd love to read it.
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Hello! I'm Colt.

:arrow: Grammar

The floors above ours had been ripped off by God-knows-what.


God knows what is usually better without hyphens, at least that's how I use it. :P

I think you worked this piece real well grammatically. Good job!

:arrow: Description

The description was amazing! I would add more personification, metaphors, and similes, though. :D

I can't think of anything else wrong, I'm sorry. :D: So, good job, you earned a star. I will definitely read more when you post more.

-Colt
"We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible." Vince Lombardi

~You've just been ticketed by the Grammar Police! 1000 word essay fine.




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Hey!

So I like this. You're not quite doing anything new with the post-apocalyptic science fiction cliche but I am assuming that this is the first chapter and that you'll probably be adding more, so I'll reserve judgement. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

Because this is obviously a setup chapter and there weren't a lot of plot points raised, I won't talk about that just yet. I just wanted to note a few instances of grammatical errors or spelling mistakes or omitted punctuation. I don't know if you've proofread this, or (if you're not comfortable with grammar) run it through your word processor's grammar-check, but I suspect doing one or the other — or both — will help you spot a lot of silly little errors that probably wouldn't have otherwise been made.

Stuff like:

My brothers guitar lay strangled, the shaft dangling off and not one string still attached.


There should be an apostrophe in "brothers", so it should be "brother's".

Peoples names rose above the screeches of horror especially, wavering with desperation as loved ones searched for loved ones.


Again, apostrophe: "Peoples" should be "People's".


‘So this is what humanity truly is’
I had thought with an eerie calm.


There should be a comma after "is" but before the quotation mark. As a side note, you don't need to do italics and single quotations — one or the other will suffice. Both is kind of overkill.

I had been close enough to see how hard she was squeezing it; so hard, scarlet blood seeped from her palm to slither down her pale, almost translucent, wrist.


That semi-colon after "squeezing it" should be a colon.

“He’d told us the end out arrive. And now it has.”


"Out" = "would"? Otherwise, I'm not sure what it's supposed to be.

Shell Shocked was the military term, I think.


The "shocked" in "shell shocked" shouldn't be capitalized.

Anger suddenly wells in my throat, making my palms sweat and breath jerk with hatred for the human race and it‘s desire to believe that it‘s invincible.


Your second use of "it's" is correct but your first use of it isn't. See, "it's" is a contraction of "it is", whereas the possessive version of "it" is "its". So what you wrote as "it's desire" should be "its desire".

A couple of other things that stood out more than others:

My brothers guitar lay strangled, the shaft dangling off and not one string still attached.


I loved the image of the strangled guitar — until I realized it didn't make sense. The strings aren't attached so what's strangling it? Unless by "strangled" you meant "mangled". I don't think I need to give you a definition of strangled but you do need something there to strangle it if you choose to keep that verb.

He would be heartbroken.

If he was still alive.


See, this threw me off the first time I was reading because the way it's written makes it seem as if he's dead. But at the end of the chapter, you mention that he's still alive and kicking. The thing is that "If he was still alive" is a continuation of "He would be heartbroken", so it reads: "He would be heartbroken if he was still alive." As in, too bad he's not around to care about his guitar; too bad he's dead. I would suggest rephrasing it because it took me one or two read-throughs to understand what you were trying to say. (It sucks because I thought it was such an awesomely dramatic way to find out her brother was dead — but then it turns out he's not. But oh well.)

Anyway. Moving on:

Take away the schedules and orderly lives. Put people in a situation where the only emotion they can feel is tribal fear.


Uh ... I think you mean "primal fear", not "tribal". (Tribal is for tribes, primal is that deep dark fear we've had since the beginning of time.)

I'm actually not a huge fan of this paragraph in general, to be honest:

‘So this is what humanity truly is’ I had thought with an eerie calm. Take away the schedules and orderly lives. Put people in a situation where the only emotion they can feel is tribal fear. This is when true character will emerge. This is when we see that we are nothing more then animals. Though we have placed ourselves on the top of the stack, as the King of the Hill, the truth is all we have done is taken away the fear. The fear of being hunted. Once that fear is gone, those who had once been prey, now became predators.


It gets kind of preachy and digressive and in a very clunky heavy-handed sort of way. I'd much rather you show the predator/prey thing through the story itself instead of dumping her internal monologue on us. So, you know, show the people behaving savagely and maybe make some references within those instances of being hunted. Which is to say, use verbs that conjure up animalistic tendencies — savage verbs like "ripped" and "snarled" and "clawed". Obviously, you don't need to use those verbs by any means, but you get the idea. Something of the sort.

* * *

The story overall is confusing in a few little ways (and not in a good way). She's in an apartment, but the fact that we aren't given details makes it confusing to follow. See, when I think "apartment", I think "high-rise" (and I'm sure other people think of other types of apartments; that's the sucky thing about not having specific details). And then I wonder how she possibly survived the collapsing of a high-rise, especially when you say her roof collapsed and there's rubble everywhere. I can't imagine it would be easy for anyone to escape an apocalypse in a high-rise, let alone escaped completely unscathed. Now if that's the case, you've got some explaining to do. Maybe it's not a high-rise — maybe it's one of those little apartments. Maybe only part of the roof caved in.

Other mildly confusing things: you say the "floors above ours had been ripped off" but their ceiling (as in, what would be the floors for people above them) collapsed, it didn't tear off. Also, if the entire ceiling collapsed, how is it possible for her to see the guitar — wouldn't it be smashed and buried under the ceiling? How did she get out of the apartment building? I would imagine an apartment especially would be very difficult to escape from — the elevators would be dead, of course, the stairs would probably have at least partially collapsed, and the entire building would be packed with screaming crying panicky people. If not their children and their pets as well. I don't get a sense of any of that, or really of any of her surroundings and not having any of those important details makes the story lose its vividness. You've got a fantastic vocabulary and a great handle of description so I'd hate to see the story NOT get the details and vividness that it deserves.

Anyways, good luck with the story — I'm interested to see where you're taking it and what you're doing with it. If you have any questions or comments or need me to clarify anything at all, feel free to PM me.
"He yanked himself free and fled to the kitchen where something huddled against the flooded windowpanes. It sighed and wept and tapped continually, and suddenly he was outside, staring in, the rain beating, the wind chilling him, and all the candle darkness inside lost."



The shame of being a man - is there any better reason to write?
— Gilles Deleuze