A Forbidden Love: Preface

Preface

No! No! NO!

My legs felt as heavy as lead as I stumbled before falling to my knees, and clutching my stomach. Help! Please someone help! Sweat beaded my brow. Everything hurt; the pain was too much to bear. I was choking, I could not breath.

Still holding my stomach I leaned over and vomited. My insides felt like they were twisted and tied into knots.

This couldn't be happening.

My brother was dead. They killed him. They did this. The treaty had been broken. Neil was dead!

I tucked myself into the fetal position and rocked myself gently back and forth. I was crying so much I was unable to see anymore than watery blurs. The agonizing shredding of my heart was just too much to bear.

I could not do this! Not again. First my father and now my brother, what did they want with us?

Oh God! Why?!

I was the next in the royal line, then my uncle. If that was what this is about then they will come for me next. I'm only sixteen, I can't do this!

But I have to.

That's when my sorrow became pure burning hatred. I wanted them all dead. They were all evil creatures that deserved death.

I promise you, Neil that I will hunt them all down. Damien will pay for this! Any vampire that dares to cross my path will die.

Hey! I would just like to start by saying you have a very strongly written piece on your hands! Onto the nit-piks. My comments are in italics and my fixes are in bold.

No! No! NO!

My legs felt as heavy as lead as I stumbled before before what? falling to my knees, and clutching my stomach. Help! Please someone help! Maybe you could put this in quotes, like she's actually saying it. Sweat beaded my brow. Everything hurt; the pain was too much to bear. I was choking, I could not breath. [s]I can't breathe![/s] I would take this out. It was stated before that she couldn't breathe. Or else put it in quotes, like she's saying it.
Still holding my stomach I leaned over and vomited. My insides felt like they were twisted and tied into knots.

This couldn't be happening.

My brother was dead. They killed him. They did this. The treaty had been broken. Neil was dead!

I tucked myself into the fetal position and rocked myself gently back and forth. I was crying so much I was unable to see anymore than watery blurs. The agonizing shredding of my heart was just too much to bear.

I could not do this! Not again. First my father and now my brother, what did they want with us?

Oh God! Why?!

I was the next in the royal line, then my uncle. If that was what this is about then they will come for me next. I'm only sixteen, I can't do this!

But I have to.

That's when my sorrow became pure burning hatred. I wanted them all dead. They were all evil creatures that deserved death.

I promise you, Neil that I will hunt them all down. Damien will pay for this! Any vampire that dares to cross my path will die.

Overall

This was good and like I said before, strongly written.
However, as I was reading I was hoping this wouldn't be like Twilight. At the end when the main character mentioned something about vampires I started worrying. I went back and read about the treaty. Please, don't make this like how Edward and his clan had a treaty with the werewolves. Or something like that. This is good and you can make something very original out of this. Good luck! Keep writing!

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:Hey! I would just like to start by saying you have a very strongly written piece on your hands! Onto the nit-piks. My comments are in italics and my fixes are in bold.

No! No! NO!

My legs felt as heavy as lead as I stumbled before before what? falling to my knees, and clutching my stomach. Help! Please someone help! Maybe you could put this in quotes, like she's actually saying it. Sweat beaded my brow. Everything hurt; the pain was too much to bear. I was choking, I could not breath. [s]I can't breathe![/s] I would take this out. It was stated before that she couldn't breathe. Or else put it in quotes, like she's saying it.
Still holding my stomach I leaned over and vomited. My insides felt like they were twisted and tied into knots.

This couldn't be happening.

My brother was dead. They killed him. They did this. The treaty had been broken. Neil was dead!

I tucked myself into the fetal position and rocked myself gently back and forth. I was crying so much I was unable to see anymore than watery blurs. The agonizing shredding of my heart was just too much to bear.

I could not do this! Not again. First my father and now my brother, what did they want with us?

Oh God! Why?!

I was the next in the royal line, then my uncle. If that was what this is about then they will come for me next. I'm only sixteen, I can't do this!

But I have to.

That's when my sorrow became pure burning hatred. I wanted them all dead. They were all evil creatures that deserved death.

I promise you, Neil that I will hunt them all down. Damien will pay for this! Any vampire that dares to cross my path will die.

Overall

This was good and like I said before, strongly written.
However, as I was reading I was hoping this wouldn't be like Twilight. At the end when the main character mentioned something about vampires I started worrying. I went back and read about the treaty. Please, don't make this like how Edward and his clan had a treaty with the werewolves. Or something like that. This is good and you can make something very original out of this. Good luck! Keep writing!

Hey thanks. I'm always glad to get help. And I don't think it is too much like twilight. I mean yeah it is about vampires and stuff but it's not the same sort of thing. But again, thanks and I hope you follow more of the story.

Hmmm nice preface. It pulls you into the story without giving much away. It hooks you and makes you want more. Good job!

I really like your use of detail. It's one of my biggest issues (not giving enough detail) and you use it well. I admire anyone who can =)

I didn't see much really wrong gramatically. So good job, now im on the chapter one! =)

XxxSummerxxX wrote:No! No! NO!

My legs felt as heavy as lead as I stumbled before falling to my knees, and clutching my stomach. Help! Please someone help! Sweat beaded my brow. Everything hurt; the pain was too much to bear. I was choking, I could not breath. ((breathe))

Good opening. It really draws the reader in. I want to read on.

XxxSummerxxX wrote:My brother was dead. They killed him. They did this. The treaty had been broken. Neil was dead!

Intriguing
I want to know more about them and the treaty.

XxxSummerxxX wrote:I tucked myself into the fetal position and rocked myself gently back and forth. I was crying so much I was unable to see anymore than watery blurs. The agonizing shredding of my heart was just too much to bear.

Good description!

XxxSummerxxX wrote:[s]That's when[/s] my sorrow became pure burning hatred. I wanted them all dead. They were all evil creatures that deserved death.

This was a really well done preface. It's intriguing and well written.
I actually want to go read the first chapter now
Gold star for you!

-Carly