Ulryla

This is a very short (800 words, my whole book is about 130,000 or something stupid in this same, rubbish style), very bad sample of my book, as I said up there, so if hardly anything makes sense, it's because it's just a sample, not an introduction or anything, and beacuse it's pretty rubbish. Also, this is my first topic thing, so sorry if I do something completely wrong.

Oh, and it's really, really unclear what is happening, beause this is a bit from the middle of my book, beacuse it's the nearest to a new begining that I could get, and I hate my actual begining.

Dark rain was falling thickly upon the dank streets, and puddles had accumulated in the road. A thick stream of murky water flowed off the path, into what was now marshy woodland. The night sounds were drowned by the continuous tone of water rapidly falling upon the mud, and the spontaneous crash of thunder and the rolling drums that followed it. The forest and the wind seemed to brace themselves with a sharp intake of breath, as sudden flash of noiseless light ripped through the air, quickly followed by another. Thunder boomed and crackled in the sky. The trees swayed and shook the water from their leaves reproachfully. Through the gloom, the wreckage of a building could be seen. The wood had been charred in some places; the framework seemingly blasted apart. Another flash of light revealed an lump in the middle of the road like a bundle of cloths had been dumped there. The rain fell upon the bundle, splattering it, and soaking it with its relentless flow. A woman walked down the path, the puddles lapping against her sandals. She wore a brown cloak held tightly around her head and body, but walked swiftly across the ground, splattering herself with mud. She reached the bundle, and looked down at it with her very green eyes. Unnaturally green. She chuckled.
“Are you going to wait out the storm down there?” she asked the bundle.
The bundle opened an eye.
“You...” the bundle muttered. Slowly, the bundle got to its feet, and emerged as a woman, of similar build to the other. She pulled back her bedraggled, muddied hood, to reveal a blood splattered face, and embraced the other woman.
“Fleg,” she said, and held her tightly. “I was... I’m so...”
“Sorry,” Fleg finished, and released her. She looked her up and down. “You look a mess,”
She shrugged, and wiped the blood from her face with the sleeve of her cloak. It was ripped and sodden, bleached with brown and crimson. She ran her fingers through her matted dark hair, as if feeling her head for the first time. “Well, you try losing your head. It’s horrible,”
They stood in silence, as the rain fell around them. “What are you going to do now?” Fleg asked.
“I’m going to get it back,” the other woman said. “It’s the only thing I can do,”
“Sis, you don’t understand,” Fleg said, as another flare of lit up the area, illuminating the raindrop that was trickling down her face.
“I understand, you’re the one who doesn’t understand,” she snapped.
“If you’d just take the time...”
“I don’t need to listen to any of you!” she roared, as the thunder did too. She started to walk away.
“Lia! Stop!” Fleg cried. “Please, just, come back with...” she began, but she never got a chance to finish.
“So, what, we can go back to how we used to live?” Lia yelled. “It’s too late for that! The world’s changed, and so have I!”
“Lia, please!”
“Learn to look after yourself!”
“I have!” Fleg roared, and pulled back her hood. At first her blonde hair spilled out behind her, but then it seemed to be swept upwards by the wind, and was suddenly engulfed in orange flame. Fleg’s hair was utterly replaced by a thick, opaque fire, which was buffeted and battered by the wind, but stood strong, burning ferociously. Rain that fell upon it instantly erupted into a cloud of steam, creating a plume of hot vapour rising from above her head. Her skin had turned whiter than ash. Lia turned and stared, as the light hit the rain and her face, spraying light in every direction. She started to laugh. Fleg’s face glowed with rage. Lia kept on laughing, and fell to her knees. She looked upwards to the cloud ridden sky, rain splattering against her face.
“Oh dear Fleg.” She chuckled. “You think you can intimidate me? Can you really do that?”
Fleg growled, and her hair quavered. “I would have hoped I could,”
Lia smiled, and turned away again. “I’ll see you again sometime,” she said back.
There was the sound of a sword being drawn, metal scraping against metal. “Stop,”
Lia looked at Fleg, but she had her sword drawn, and was pointing it in her direction, the tip of its blade within distance of her throat. Lia blinked several times.
“So now you’re going to kill me?” she asked.
“I know how,” Fleg hissed threateningly.
“Knowing and doing are different things.” Lia said, and took one step backwards, her boots squelching in the mud. “I hope I can see you again... if you'll let me,”
“Don’t you dare leave!”
“Too late,” Lia said sweetly. She shot upwards into the air, her cloak flapping wildly in the second she was visible, before she disappeared into the clouds. Fleg was left standing in the pouring rain, hair blazing like a torch. She sheathed her sword, and looked up regretfully at the sky. Her hair lost its fire, and returned to its native gold, falling flat upon her head once more.

I know there's loads of stuff wrong. Tones. And help would be really appreciated.

Oh, and if anyone feels like they can be bothered to review my plot (I've got a couple of pages of planning that could real help with being looked at by someone other than me, 'cos I tend to ramble alot on stuff like this. Oops.) without getting bogged down with my dodgy writing, can you PM me or whatever if I haven't died from a the amount of condifence I have... I hate myself some times. Thanks again. Or whatever.

Alrighty ^_^

Dark rain was falling thickly upon the dank streets,

How does "dark rain" "fall quickly"? And what makes the street "dank"? Get rid of all the adjectives and adverbs and decide if you still have a readable line. "Rain was falling upon the streets" sounds much better, and it lets you "show" us why they are what you say they are (dank, dark, etc) later on.

water rapidly falling upon the mud

You've used something similar before, in the sentence or so before and it doesn't create a very active scene. Try making this shorter but more powerful: "rain lashing into the mud", or something similar.

to brace themselves with a sharp intake of breath

Pluralise "breath"; breaths.

Through the gloom, the wreckage of a building could be seen.

So where are in the town/city at the moment? Surely, it's not visible everywhere and doesn't let me picture it in my mind. Try placing it; "By the church and fletchers', a building's wreckage was visible." Or wherever it happens to be.

an lump

= "a lump"

Note: I won't be correcting these tiny nitpicks any more--just proofread beforehand and put on your spell checker.

Descriptions/Imagery

And for that entire first paragraph, I found a little bored by all the time you say that's it's raining and muddy and water is hitting the puddles and such. Description is a great thing to have--it let's the reader feel involved. But not like this. We need more sensory imagery; describe the sounds of the thunder through your narrator's voice/viewpoint, or a horrid smell (which will help explain that the street is, in fact, dank), or the cold in the water. Imagery like similes also offer some good character development; they show how your characters would compare things and are also vivid and interesting.

Slowly, [s]the[/s] it bundle got to its feet

Adds a little mystery and removes the repetition.

and emerged as a woman, of similar build to the other.

Descriptions like this are fine, so long as we know what the other woman looks like. Otherwise, it's pointless and barely helps us. It's kind of referencing nothing, if you understand.

“Fleg,” she said, and held her tightly. “I was... I’m so...”

I'm confused--who's speaking? You've mentioned another woman but it's a different paragraph and I'm thus a little unsure.

“I HAVE!”

I find that capitalising words in novels makes it seem so... tacky. Just put it in italics or keep it lower-case--you say that she roared it after.

Oh dear Fleg.

Put in a comma after "dear".

“Stop,”

Full stop, not comma.

things.” Lia said

Comma, not full stop. Again, be sure to check your dialogue.

Anyway, that's it for the nitpicks. I've already commented on descriptions so I'll take a step back from that. It's difficult for me to talk about clichés and the story/development without really knowing what's happening or why, but, from what I've seen:

Viewpoints

I'm guessing that this section is told from the viewpoint of the woman who was walking through the streets at the start (make her name clearer--I was confused about that)? If that is the case, you're going to want to make the story more unique and personal to her, as opposed to just describing the weather. Bring your characters in; how does it affect her? Her thoughts on it? Why doesn't she like it? Does she? In other words, make them more receptive to the surroundings. From this, you can make things noteworthy accordingly--what was the need of explaining that there was a ruined building at the side of a path? Does it affect the viewpoint?

In terms of dialogue, keep it realistic. Because I didn't know your characters, it was difficult for me to care; try and understand with this example: you are sitting in a bar drinking a coke, when the person next to you starts calling their wife and asking if dinner's ready. Would you be interested? Could you relate to them? I suppose not. I didn't understand the burning hair thing, and couldn't see its relevance other than to move along the emotions of her anger, which is cheating a bit to me.

There is, however, some decent writing here and I'm certain that with some touching up it could become very interesting indeed.

Best,

Blinky

Thanks for the comment. I think things were a bit unclear because, um, I was being a bit of an idiot taking a bit that was generic or whatever, and putting it up here. Anyway, um...

The bit about the flaming hair was actually literal. You know, like her hair was actually replaced with fire. You know, like if you dowsed it with oil, and set it on fire, though it's not burning her skull or whatever (that's Fleg whose hair is on fire). Come on, I'm allowed to put stuff like this, 'cos it's fantasy. She's like... you know, like magic. God I hate that word so much, it makes me sound like a complete idiot. I obviously didn't make that bit very clear at all...

And the bit about the building, this bit was after Lia (who is actually called Opruleslia, but because Fleg’s her sister, Fleg calls her Lia for short, which makes it even more confusing) got killed by the main character in my book. Well he didn't actually 'kill' her (which is why she's still alive), because there's a certain way that people like her have to be killed... which is also why Fleg talks about knowing how to kill her. Ok, there's a lot of pervious explaining about the weird bits that aren't understood. And basically, the building was a key part of that fight between my main character and Lia, and gets blown up, so that was important in the original context of this section.

Oh, and I loved this bit (not sarcastic by the way, I enjoy laughing at my work):
"Note: I won't be correcting these tiny nitpicks any more--just proofread beforehand and put on your spell checker."
And this bit:
...difficult for me to talk about clichés and the story/development...
Basically, there were so many mistakes it got dumb, right? Man I'm bad at this. You could have just said how bad the discription was. I mean, it would have been less painful for you to read it, and easier for me to take.

Okaaaay. I aggree with everything it says up there. But since I'm no great writer, I can`t give you a review I'm really sure of. My advice is: get yourself out straight and keep writing around and editing your work. When youve done that so much that the piece has been ruined, delete it. But you'll know what was wrong with it, what you wanted to change. (Probably this theory is very flawed, as I said I'm not really any good.)
But I know I've definitely got a problem with my self - confidence and, getting yourself out straight helps. If you think you are no good anyway, you might as well give up. Now I'll try something constructive^^.

Some words don't really fit

Dark rain leave out the dark was falling thickly upon the dank streets pouring onto the streets, and puddles had accumulated in the road ,and puddles had gathered in the pot - holes of the road. A thick stream of murky water flowed off the path, into what was now marshy woodland , into a marshy woodland. The night sounds were drowned by the continuous tone of water rapidly falling upon the mud, and the spontaneous crash of thunder and the rolling drums that followed it. too many and's The forest and the wind seemed to brace themselves with a sharp intake of breath against the storm that was rolling inland blabla, as sudden flash of noiseless light ripped through the air, quickly followed by another. Thunder boomed and crackled in the sky. The trees swayed and shook the water from their leaves reproachfully shook the water from their leaves in quick, angry movements (or something). Through the gloom, the wreckage of a building could be seen. The wood had been charred in some places; the framework seemingly blasted apart -> go more into detail (if this is important), for example: ...; the framework seemed to be blasted apart, as if blabbla ( you write ). Another flash of light revealed an lump in the middle of the road like as if a bundle of cloths had been dumped there. The rain fell upon the bundle it, splattering it, and soaking it with its relentless flow drenching it would do, if you have 'the bundle' thinking yet, say something like: the rain fell hard and painfull, stinging like a thousand whips. A woman walked down the path, the puddles lapping against her sandals. She wore a brown cloak held tightly around her head and body, but walked swiftly across the ground, splattering herself with mud. She reached the bundle, and looked down at it with her very green eyes strange. Unnaturally green. She chuckled.

I couldn't be bothered doing any more, but I hope you see what the things were that you were doing wrong. At the start I was actually going to write 'well I liked it' because I did, somehow. It's just a wee bit strange. One can see you havn't really thought about this text, youve just written it intuitively. Thats fine, at the start. But hey, you're two years older than me, if I can think about my texts then so can you. ( I know my writing is stupid, but it's the thought that counts) This is a good tactic: www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/snowflake.php
Thanks for reviewing my stagworld thingy, are you the one who said the start is too much like the colour of magic? Well I didn't read that book (although I will) so I'm gonna keep it. I've edited it, I think I'ts better now, could you review it again. Thanks a mill.
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Thank you again ^^

~sheepy