Disignated Driver

DESIGNATED DRIVER



Dez, Trina, Kyle, Kevin, and Nigel all friends who loved to party and have fun. Trina being the oldest person in the group possessed her drivers permit, she was know to all her friends as “the designated driver.” Every party that her friends wanted to attend she would have always taken them there.

It was the night of August, 27th, Dez went to bed early tonight; around 8:45 pm Dez was tossing and turning then before you knew it she woke up screaming, she sat up on her bed with a look on her face that said she had a bad dream. she picked up the telephone that was on a nightstand next to her bed and began dialling numbers.

“Hello is this Trina?”
On the next line the sound of exhaustion in her voice as they replied, “yes this is Trina”
“Trina this Dez, yuh wanna come and sleepover de night or what? We could call them boys and we go lime in my porch!” exclaimed Dez.
“Girl, so why, all yuh don’t come and chill by me?” Trina questioned.
“Trina yuh know how my mother does behave already! You don’t really have any one to answer to,” Dez pleaded.
"Girl I am really tired I ent too long get home and I am not going and get back in that car to come over by you now ok.”
“Ok Trina. What I had to tell you I think it is not that important will just have to tell you some other time.”
As the telephone hanged up, Trina sat on her couch troubled by the sadness in Dez's voice. My birthday is coming up soon I wonder if Dez wanted me to come over so that we could plan a slamming party as we normally do every year. I do not think I am having a party this year and I did not ask her to help me any way. Maybe she was going to tell me that she is pregnant to Nigel. Nah I don’t think so she would have been dead by now.

The following month, the day of Trina’s Birthday, Trina and her friends had decided to hang out all day, all night and have a great time. There plans were to start with an early morning pool party at Trina’s residence, then lunch at the beach, the evening in the mall, dinner at the movies and then to night clubs.
On this specific day rain decided to pour, nevertheless things went as planned. While driving down the dark foggy road on their way to Zen; chatting with her friends, Dez screamed “WATCH OUT”
Trina panicked as she tried to avoid hitting the crossing animal but in stead, she ended up going head to head with an incoming vehicle. The screaming of everyone in the car was so disturbing, Trina could not concentrate, and the car had gotten out of control.

The Red Honda Civic was wrecked, all the occupants were injured. When Trina's parents were called in and they heard the bad news there were a lot of screaming. It was a tragic sight there was blood all over, every one else in the vehicle was unconscious except Kyle who were just screaming as hell to be taken out of the wrecked red Honda Civic that he was pinned in.

This night ended in a sour note, for this was the worst and last birth night for Trina, it so happened that she did not have a designated driver. While sitting on the hospital bed Dez cried and said to herself “I should have just told Trina over the phone that I have dreamt that she was going to be in an accident."
"Now it's too late…”

BY: LATRICIA.

Hmm...I like it. All in all, it's a good job. This piece is quite "organic"....not presumptious in the slightest. You've gotten across the gist of what's going on in the lingo of the characters. However, I would alter your dialogue slightly so that people who don't know what on earth you're talking about can understand. And space the dialogue out like it would be in an actual book. That way readers can follow what's being said.

Also, the grammar was a bit faulty. Before you submit, always make sure that you've got everything right. People can concentrate on the deeper stuff when the nitpicky bits and pieces are out of the way.

You ended mysteriously with the character of Dez believing that she could have avoided the accident if she had just admitted to her dream to Trina. I think that if Dez has uncanny "psychic" powers, you should introduce that earlier on in the piece. That way the reader is held in suspense as the crash unfolds.

Maybe she was going to tell me that she is pregnant for Nigel. Nah I don’t think so she would ah be dead by now.

I didn't quite understand this part. In fact, I don't think it would hurt the piece at all if you left this bit out.

I liked the irony in Trina's being the "designated driver".

Like I said, good job. Just pay attention to the small stuff and your work could be a lot more meaningful. Keep writing!

Ello Right... fun time.

Why is 'Designated Driver' Quoted? Is it supposed to be?


'Dez, Trina, Kyle... always taken them there.' Info dump. If that's a crucial part of your story you would be better off saying she went to bed early because she would be driving, and then mention the other names later.

'It was the night of Augest, 27th' - the commar should go after '27th.'

'Dez took an early bed,' - this doesn't make much sense. Better to say 'Dez went to bed early.'

'An early bed tonight;' - should be 'that night.' The punctuation doesn't really fit either, a full stop is enough.

'Before you knew it,' - let's cut that out completely. Phrases like that are best left for kids stories, and addressing the audiance at this point doesn't really work.

'Woke up screaming, she sat up,' - full stop instead of a comma.

'With a look on her face that said she had a bad dream.' - I like the woke up screaming bit, it makes this little bit uneccesary.

'Dez took up,' - she picked up.

--

' “Hello is this Trina?”On the next, line the,' - Space after 'Trina,' and that comma doesn't make sense.

'In the person’s voice,' - In her voice. We already know who the person is.
'As they,' - as she.

Over the next paragraph you need to remember, if a new person speaks you need to start a new line. Also, I can see you've tried to show the accent, but I think it's better to describe it. Reading an accent is still as annoying as reading bad spelling and grammar.

'By you now ok.” / “Ok Trina ok.' - too many ok's.

'As the telephone hanged up,' - on it's own? Or did someone put it down on Trina?

'In Dez voice,' - should be 'Dez's'

'Plan a slamming party,' - Slamming would be better as Slammin' I think. It's a slang term, with the G it sounds a little like a party for slamming things.

'Pregnant for Nigel,' - To Nigel.

'She would ah be dead,' - Shouldn't be an 'Ah' in there.

--

'About the following month, the day of Trina’s Birthday,' - It had a nice effect when you said the specific date at the beginning, how about giving Trina's birthday a specific date too?

'Had decides,' - Should be 'Decided' -
'To lime all day,' - To what? Keep in mind your readers may not be accustomed to your slang.

'Just have a great time,' - The 'Just' makes it seem a little sloppy.

'Lunch at the beach, the evening on the mall,' - Lunch ON the beach, the evening AT the mall.

'Night clubs.On this,' - Needs a space.

'Things went on as planned while driving down the dark foggy road,' - Try putting a full stop after 'Planned,' otherwise it sounds like the drive down the road went as planned.

'Way to Zen; chatting with her friends,' the punctuation doesn't really fit, a comma would be better.

'Dez screamed “WATCH OUT” Trina panicked,' - Trina panicked would be better on a new line. It'll give the reader a chance to take in the fact that someone just shouted.

'But in stead, she were going head on,' - But instead, she found herself going head on.

'Al the occupants,' - Should be all.

'When Trina parents,' - Trina's.

'Kyle who were just,' - Was just.

'Screaming as hell,' - if you must use this phrase, 'screaming like hell,' is better.

'Pinned in.This night ended,' - Space after full stop. THAT night ended.

'It too late,' - It's.

*Moved to Other Fiction*

I gave permission for people to comment and give advice
on my written pieces.
but who in Gods name gave any one permission to move my thing.
i Honestly dont appericiate it,
you all didnt see me going about moving people stuff all about the place
i appericate it if my stuff remains where i posted it, please.


thank you very much.

Yours Faithfully......

Um..she moved it because its not exactly poetry (where you put it).She's a mod. so the power was given to her. Its nice if your not sure where to post it because you could see if a mod could move it if you realize it wasn't in the right place. Also, I don't think we have the power to do this, so therefor, we can't.I see why you could be mad, but no need to get be flaming someone. You might get more reviews where you put it. (For instance, I really only review some poetry and a couple other things, so I wouldn't review it, and if its in a story forum or something, someone who might only review stores might go there and review it.) Sorry...

But since I'm here I guess I should give you some overall impressions of the story.

First of all, I like the idea of it, with all of the dreams. I think if you continued this (I don't know if you want to or if you just want to leave it this length) then you could give her more regret about not telling her.

Some issues that were throughout:
*At first it was 3rd person POV and then it changed to 1st, so it confused me. I would consider just sticking to one POV. It thew me for a loop.
*I noticed that you did quite a lot of telling, but not a lot of showing. Some authors argue that you should do both, show and tell. However, they also say that you should do more showing than telling. Instead of saying that they have wild parties and she's the oldest, you could show us a story that shows her last birthday and what they did.
* Watch your punctuation and capitalization along with spelling. I notice a few mistakes, but I'm bad at those so I can't really blame you.

Other than that, West seemed to nitpick many things so there's not much else I can say.
I'll see you on the forums.
~Midnightvampire