Unobserved

Unobserved


I cower in the corner, unobserved.
Just a figment of your imagination,
Until you bring me to life
In your reminiscing mind.
Singing like a lark,
As in the lost days of your childhood,
Your own country.
Laughing with friends you used to have,
The sharp pains of the present are gone
As you imagine me in the village
Of what used to be but is no more,
I am you as you were.
Before the city and its confining concrete,
With no room to breathe, you suffocate.
Across the waters,
With a new family
A whispered wish to be in another place.
You long for that freedom again,
As you cower in the corner, unobserved.

"I cower in the corner, unobserved.

Just a figment of your imagination,

Until you bring me to life."

This is the first thing that caught my eye. You really expressed what you really felt. That part made me feel like that it did happen to me. That this is how most people feel about life. I like that your really descriptive too.


"Before the city and its confining concrete,

With no room to breath, you suffocate."

Also, adding this rhyming part was good too. Not only your poem is good you have good use of ethnics.

Hi, clueless!

I really like how the first and the last line bring it all together. The emotion in this piece is enjoyable, and I think you could expand the poem or make it a little longer.

acting as if nothing is wrong,

I think it should be, in this case, "if nothing was wrong".


I can't really explain why I like this poem so much. I just like it, and that's all you need to know. I can't spot any major mistakes, so good job!

See you around,

Demeter xxx

Wow,
This is an awesome piece of work! I really like the beginning it draws the reader in. You have pure talent here.

KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK

-Tiffany

Hey clueless! lol.. I love this poem! you expressed what many people are terrified to say. I admire you for that. There is something about this poem that screams "awesome" and i must say, it certainly is... so pm me if you have any more poetry, cuz i cant wait to read more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to say. It was great. Awesome in fact.

I cower in the corner, unobserved.
Just a figment of your imagination,
Until you bring me to life.

I really liked this part. It expresses the emotions of that person. Great work.

Actually, I can't see any mistakes, so I'll say, well done. This poem was great.

Well done, again.

And good luck.

this is my favorite peice of mine. tied with a close second of lost in death. those are about the only two dark peices ive ever written. and i like them better than any of the other ones. hmm...

they arent really me. maybe thats what i like about them.

Yeah I can't wait to read another!
It lured me in and now i am hungry for more!

Cool, avvie btw it KICKS ASS

okay Lame lol

Okay, so you asked me to critique your poem, so I did it! Unfortunately, it's a video critique, which means I play with toys, babble on about Magic Pony, and try to keep my pajama top from exploding. Oh, and I talk about your poem too. It's really random, sorry! That was a weird day. But I'm too lazy to redo it, and yeah...

If you have any questions, just PM me and ask. And! If you can't see the video critique, bug me about that too.

Oh... the critique!

http://revver.com/video/1433105/affilia ... nobserved/

Hope this helps!

thanks snoink, i'll check it out.

Hi, sorry, I'm not too good at poetry, but here goes!
I don't really get what's going on. Is it a person trying to move on from changing country, or moving? You, the first person view, say that you don't exist. Are you a memory... Because that's what I get the impression of.

"The sharp pains of the present are gone"

I think that you need to elaborate on this more, because you are only saying that childhood was good, and the present isn't. What is happening in the present?

"I am you as you were."

I don't get this line, I mean, I understand it, but what does it add to the poem? You already say that you're 'reminiscing' and they are 'childhood memories' that 'bring you to life'
So I don't think that this adds anything top the story. Poetry is usually deep and encrypted.

"Across the waters,

With a new family"

Explain please! I thought that she was moving house, maybe country, but exchanging families?
To me, she is one of these things now... Which one?
Refugee? Immigrant? Exchange Student? Boarding School Student?
I don't get it!
You need to elaborate on this, one or two lines will do.

Overall, I thought that it lacked the rhythm that it should have, for example:

"Singing like a lark,

As in the lost days of your childhood,

Your own country."

These three lines don't fit in, they aren't the same length, and poetry lines are usually paired up, not in threes.


Just watch out for rythm stoppers like this, they kill the poem!

-Asxz