The mansion chapter 7 part 1

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 511
Reviews 127
SHADOW OF THE GOLDEN PAVED CITY


We were out of the café on a small tour around the city.
Melody- as the elf girl had introduced herself –had already shown me through some milestones of the town, like the dwarf part of the humongous city. Whilst there I had seen a dwarf in full battle gear- that included a feathered hat –whose beard had been carried by three other much more modestly dressed dwarfs.
Melody had seen my stare and had explained that they were beard bearers.
“Every high ranking dwarf has one or two of them, no matter what length his beard is. See because there are things that make a dwarf powerful and things that show it. The amount of gold and land they own, and how well they fight or command in a battle marks defines their power but the amount of beard bearers they have- and how pompous their amour looks –shows how much power they actually have.” She had told me .
We had gone to see the amphitheater owned by the werewolves and the offices were trolls worked, but she had politely refused to show me the vampire brothel.

We were now walking towards Mike. We had just entered the gambling are of the city. The first thing that I had noticed was that the ground was paved with gold and all the trashcans were silver. I could understand the gold paved streets but the silver cans were too much even for my taste.
Melody was telling something about the place but I found it little more than hard to concentrate, as I watched her behind move in the most disturbing- and yet so very mesmerizing –manner. Her posture was like from a noble lady and her back was beautifully curved and her face was well aligned but didn’t have any too sharp figures.
Her hair was light brown and slightly curved, it flowed down just above her waist line.

Most of the time as we walked along the street I spent my time watching her and mumbling “Mmh.”

When we got to a crossing were two of the gold paved roads overlapped and the humongous and dazzling casinos stood proudly, shimmering their names in the darkness of the underworld, I saw a bunch of creatures- of all shapes and sizes –race through as if they were running from something. I saw Melody’s back stiffen.

“What is it?” I asked, anxiety was starting to grow in me. It was a good thing that I had brought the sword with me. A weapon always carried a feeling of security with it.

“It’s the shadow,” she answered. She was hastily looking for something.
“The shadow?” I was confused, what was this sudden change of mood?

Soon I started hearing drum roll, it had that “Were here with dark things in our minds,” kind of ring to it, and I didn’t like it at all.
Melody groaned “There’s never enough time,” she cursed. She took hold of my sleeve and pulled me behind one of the silver cans that was stationed on the mouth of a corner alley.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 66
Took me a while to get here, actually a month or so, am I right? Sorry :D Well you asked for a review so here it is:

First of all I must say that you have definitely improved your style of writing. I see more descriptions unfortunately i must put here a big "BUT" ( not talking about your posterior! its like .. yes, but... got it?)

Whilst there I had seen a dwarf in full battle gear- that included a feathered hat –whose beard had been carried by three other much more modestly dressed dwarfs.

1.When you say "full gear" of course you know how a full dwarven battle gear looks like - we don't.

Melody was telling something about the place but I found it little more than hard to concentrate, as I watched her behind move in the most disturbing- and yet so very mesmerizing –manner. Her posture was like from a noble lady and her back was beautifully curved and her face was well aligned but didn’t have any too sharp figures.


Good! Most beautiful image, BUT I`ll change it a little to make it more of "I must think about this" idea.
Plus : I know you are a boy, but c`mon "behind"? It's to much to ask for a little romance? Geez!
Example: Melody was telling me something about the place, but I couldn't hear her voice as I lost my concentration. My eyes were captivated by her slow and gentle movement. So chaotic and still so calculated and natural. Her posture shattered the simple idea of just an waitress elf-girl into bits and pieces only to reveal a noble lady. Her back curved beautifully and her face was well aligned, not in a sharp elven form, but in a soft way.

Her posture was like from a noble lady and her back was beautifully curved and her face was well aligned but didn’t have any too sharp figures.

- This kinda reminds me of Arya from Eragon .... hmmm...

I saw Melody’s back stiffen.

Well here you can add something like ... stiffen like a cat`s.

That`s all here. Off I go to the second part!
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click!



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables