Gift of a Smile

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Hannah wrote:“And so, it is with unassailable grief that we leave Emily Arbor to the care of our Eternal Father. If anyone here would like to say a few words, the lectern is open at this moment. Perhaps her father…?” The priest’s eyes scanned the small, intensely crowded room in search of the stern man’s face that he’d really only seen on one other occasion. That thought brought him back to the more pleasant memory – the marriage between this girl’s beautiful mother and the stern man who was now nowhere to be seen. The woman… was her name Jane? Julia?... had seemed so exquisitely happy that not a soul in the audience doubted the love that she radiated towards her new husband.

That transition seems awkward to me.
It goes from a stern man to a nice happy memory about him getting married.

Hannah wrote:He, ((who is he? the priest or the father?)) on the other hand, was possibly incapable of feeling the same affection. Even now, the priest’s eyes raked the room for a third, fourth time, waiting for the cold features to distinguish themselves from the sea of sobbing mourners, but Emily Arbor’s father was not at her funeral. He had not come. Perhaps he could not feel love at all. Rather than hatred towards Vince, the absent and most-likely-not-grieving father, the priest felt only pity and confusion.

Hannah wrote:
“Emily Arbor…” the speaker began, “There are no words to describe her influence. As I look out on this… ocean… of…” the woman took in a sharp breath and pressed her eyelids firmly together as strangled thoughts wrenched themselves through her already tortured mind. No. Don’t cry. Stop. They’re staring. Emily Arbor… she wouldn’t want you to be crying. Stop, Laure, stop it.

You kind of switched perspectives here without really meaning to, I think.
Before it was kind of from the priests perspective. Kind of because it is in third person but you still give some of his thoughts, which is fine. It's not a bad thing that you switched, really, it's just kind of confusing to the reader and I don't think it's completely necessary. If this speaker isn't as much of a main character as the priest is then I don't think we need her thoughts.

Hannah wrote: though Rahny can’t be with us now… she loved him. To think that I’d thought Emily Arbor affected me, and to see what her… absence has done to Rahny.”

This is slightly confusing to me. The first impression I get is that Rahny is dead because he 'can't be with us' but then I get the impression that he's alive because of the 'has done to Rahny'. It just contradicts what I thought before.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say...

Hannah wrote: but he’s new… wherever he is. The wall of silence has been broken and now he speaks. Because of Emily Arbor…”

that's cool


I thought this was really well written. I liked the speakers and how they said what they were trying to say.
I was really nit-picky and I'm not even completely sure of everything I was saying...I'm kind of out of it
I liked the over all concept of the story. However, I would like to know more about what happened to Emily. Why was she at the asylum? Why/How did she die? Her dad kind of intrigues me too.

Nice work! I'm gonna give you a gold star!

-Carly

Thanks for reviewing Carly! ^_^ I definitely see what you mean about the awkward transition in the priest's thoughts and how it's not clear that we're talking about the husband in that second passage you pointed out! ^_^

I thought that the perspective switch was adequately denoted since the priest left the room, but I will try to add a little more introduction to the new speaker. ^_^ Thanks for pointing that out as well! I'll also try to clarify that bit about Rahny.

I liked the over all concept of the story. However, I would like to know more about what happened to Emily. Why was she at the asylum? Why/How did she die? Her dad kind of intrigues me too.

There is actually another piece I wrote about Emily Arbor that you can find in my portfolio. It doesn't really tell the story of how her death happened, but it is a quick introduction to her character and her situation. If you'd like to read it, it's right here. ^_^

Thanks for your review, and I'll make the edits right away. C: