The Strangest Hero

September 8th, 2006, the first time I walked down the hallways as a senior. I had my two best friends by my side, Heather and Ashley. We have been inseparable since 2nd grade. We ran our group of friends, we ran our grade, and now that we were seniors, we ran the entire school. Its moments like these that kids wait for their entire lives. Walking through the doors of Glowdin High School as a freshman there was so much that was unknown. So much ahead of me but now I was right where I wanted to be and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I had the best boyfriend in the world (and the cutest at that). He was Parker Redwood and he was the star basketball player, and of course he would be, he was 6’ 2’’ and fast! I walk up to my usual group of friends and we mingle with each other. We talk about how we spent our last few days of summer and show off tan lines and our new back-to-school designer bags. Of course I got mine in the heart of designer bag world, New York City. My family took our usual summer trip there to get my brother and I new clothes for school. I’m talking with everyone and showing off my new shoes when I feel arms grab me from behind. I smile because I know exactly who it is.
“Parker!” I give him a big kiss just to remind any other girl who had their eye on him that he is indeed still mine. Despite all the rumors that while I was in NYC I found some hot upper-east sider and we had a quickie in the bathroom of the Ritz I was staying at, we were still together and going strong.
“Hey baby, I missed you while you were gone.” He smiled that irresistible smile and his white teeth glowed through his freshly tanned skin. I ran my fingers through his short curly brown hair and noticed some golden highlights in it. He looked ultra sexy.
“Mmm I miss you too! So much, but now I’m home and I’m all yours!”
“Good ‘cause I have something special planned for you and I tonight to celebrate your homecoming.”
“Parker I was gone a week.”
“A week too long. Be at my house at seven ok? I gotta get to homeroom, see you at lunch?”
“Of course.” He gave me a quick kiss and walked off. I saw his cute perfect butt in his new jeans and couldn’t help but smile. Heather waved her hand in front of my face to snap me out of my trance.
“Kelly, hello! You ready to go to homeroom? I don’t wanna be stuck with a front row seat.”
“Heather, we’re in homeroom for 5 minutes, does it really matter what seat we have?”
“Yes now let’s go.” She took me by my arm and dragged me into our new homeroom. Mr. Watercraft was just as much of a tool as his name made him sound. He wore a different color plaid suit everyday, until he ran out and started all over again. He called off name after name but all I could think about was my night with Parker. I could only imagine what he had planned for us.



hope you like it!!! please review!! theres going to be many twists in this story so please give it a chance =)

Er...wrong place to post this, mate. Check the writing section, and put it in one of the fiction sub-forums. That'll get people's attention.

eepp!! im so sorry! im new here and got things a little messed up!! how do i delete it??

*Moved to Other Fiction*

Hi! My name's Jared, and I'm here to give you a quick little review of this piece.

When young writers start out, they usually produce writing similar to this.

Which means:

1) Perfect boyfriend.

2) Start of a new school year.

3) Perfect friends.

You see what I mean? Everything seems a little... too perfect. And that's not very good when you are writing. People have a lot of flaws. Flaws are what make us irrisitably imperfect, and that's what a reader wants. We don't want to read about this perfect group of friends, and the leader of the group having this perfect, 6'2" basketball star boyfriend. Because it's been used before. It's cliché.

I'm not saying that I didn't like your writing. It was actually a very great start for a fantastic story! All I'm saying is that this plot so far has been used a million and three times.

CHARACTERIZATION:

Everyone has little quirks. Everyone. That's why every single person is unique. We aren't all the same. Frankly, in this story that you have presented us, everyone sounds the same. There isn't anyone in here that sticks out in my mind that is different above the rest. Which isn't that good.

What makes Parker more interesting than say... Edward Cullen from Twilight. You have described Parker in the following:

I had the best boyfriend in the world (and the cutest at that). He was Parker Redwood and he was the star basketball player, and of course he would be, he was 6’ 2’’ and fast!

He smiled that irresistible smile and his white teeth glowed through his freshly tanned skin. I ran my fingers through his short curly brown hair and noticed some golden highlights in it. He looked ultra sexy.

He sounds perfect, right? Even though in the main character's eyes, he looks perfect, Parker really isn't. Because no one, realistically, is that perfect. You absolutely must make this story believable in order to capture an audience.

I am hooked right now though! I'm wondering what Parker's surprise is!

If you are going to post the next section, please send me a PM! I'd love to come back and help you. ^_^ You have a great story going, and I'm anxious for the next part. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to send me a PM.

Best of luck,
-Jared

jebbie830 wrote:September 8th, 2006, the first time I walked down the hallways as a senior.
I had my two best friends by my side, Heather and Ashley. We have been inseparable since 2nd grade.

Personally, I would put a period after the date and then start a new paragraph with 'Then...' it'll make the date stand out more, and then combine those first two sentences.

jebbie830 wrote:I had the best boyfriend in the world (and the cutest at that). He was Parker Redwood and he was the star basketball player, and of course he would be, he was 6’ 2’’ and fast!

This sounds really cheesy.

jebbie830 wrote: I walk up to my usual group of friends and we mingle with each other. We talk about how we spent our last few days of summer and show off tan lines and our new back-to-school designer bags. Of course I got mine in the heart of designer bag world, New York City. My family took our usual summer trip there to get my brother and I new clothes for school. I’m talking with everyone and showing off my new shoes when I feel arms grab me from behind. I smile because I know exactly who it is.

You switched tenses here. Before it was all in past tense and I know that you were talking about the past and now it's the present so it's in the present tense but the tense change just doesn't really work here. It feels awkward to me. 'I walked up to...' sounds fine.
That applies to the rest of this too.

jebbie830 wrote:
“Yes now let’s go.” She took me by my arm and dragged me into our new homeroom. ((new paragraph here)) Mr. Watercraft was just as much of a tool as his name made him sound. He wore a different color plaid suit everyday, until he ran out and started all over again. He called off name after name but all I could think about was my night with Parker. I could only imagine what he had planned for us.

I can see some potential with this but right now it's kind of cheesy. Girl who has everything and is better than everyone with her ultra-hot boyfriend is done a lot. So far it hasn't really grabbed my attention but I can see some potential
Keep writing it

-Carly

As the day drew to a close I walked out to my locker to gather my things. Parker was there waiting for me with a huge smile on his face. I knew he was up to something but I wasn’t sure yet. He didn’t say a word to me; he just stood there staring with a goofy look on his face. We walked out to the parking lot hand-in-hand and still hadn’t said a word to each other.
“OK Parker, what’s going on? You’re being really weird.”
“I’m still planning” He looked at me with a smirk on his face, “and you know me with multi-tasking. Look tonight is going to be awesome OK? Just trust me, be at my house at 7 sharp and you’ll understand. I love you, drive safe.” He gave me a quick kiss and went off to his car. I stood there bewildered at his very odd behavior. In the three years we’d been dating not once has he been this distant but yet so excited. If he was going to propose I’d lose it. No way was I getting engaged at 18, this was crazy. I waited impatiently for my brother to get out of class before I went to go home and prepare for tonight. As soon as I arrived home I looked for something to wear. My closet was full of designer clothes, nice dresses, cute shirts and nice pants but nothing seemed good enough for this supposed “amazing” night. I needed major BFF help.
“Heather, call Ashley for me and please, please, please come over. I have wardrobe issues and this is a major 911.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes babe!”
“Ahh thank you so much. I love you, you’re my life saver.”
I figured I should narrow my choices down a bit before Heather and Ashley got here. I laid out my best pair of jeans and my new black top with an attached necklace, a small black dress, a plaid skirt with red lines in it with a cute red top to match. I wasn’t sure how casual this night was going to be, hence not being able to find the perfect outfit. Just like clock work I hear Heather and Ashley walking up the steps to my room.
“Guys! Oh my goodness, thank you so much! OK so Parker has this huge amazing night planned for us, I have no idea what he has planned but he’s being really weird about it. After school he couldn’t even talk to me because he said he was ‘planning things in his mind.’ I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean! I’m totally freaking out and on top of that I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear!”
“OK girl relax here! Me and Heather are here to help.”
“Yeah, Kel relax a minute. Now no girl can go wrong with a simple black dress. I mean jeans seem to simple and a skirt too provocative. So since you have one of the most fashionable closets in all of Palm Beach and probably in all of Florida, this shouldn’t be too hard.” She rummaged through my closet until she pulled out a small, short sleeve, tight fitting black dress. It was perfect and I knew as soon as she showed it to me that it was what I needed to wear.
Seven o’clock came way to soon! I was not prepared for what was ahead of me. Maybe I was just over reacting and being dramatic, I have a tendency to do that. The drive over to Parker’s house seemed to take forever. When I finally arrived I slowly brought myself up to the door and knocked on it lightly. The door opened and there stood Parker, his hair gelled into perfect short curls, wearing a dress shirt and black pants. He looked amazing.
“Wow Kelly, you look beautiful, absolutely stunning.”
“Thanks Park, you look pretty nifty too.” He smiled at me and welcomed me into his house. As I looked around I saw candles lit around his dining room. His house is so nice; it’s even bigger and better than mine. There was dinner made and set at the table which had two small candles lit on it as well.
“Parker, this is incredible.”
“You deserve incredible.”
“You’re not proposing to me Parker, are you?”
“Wow, you really know how to ruin a moment, but no, I’m not crazy! I just want to have a nice night with my girlfriend is that so hard to ask?”
“Not at all.” I leaned up and gave him a sweet passionate kiss.
“Let’s eat.” We sat down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner and talked about my New York trip and he talked about his rising surfing career and the upcoming basketball season. Things were perfect, just how I imagined it. OK well not just how, I figured by now he’d be down on his knee begging for me to say yes. I must say though, this was better. After dinner we went to his room to watch a movie, he rented all kinds of cheesy romantic chick-flicks but in the end we decided on Top Gun, always a classic. We sat in each other’s arms and laughed along to Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. I had the best boyfriend ever and there was nothing in the world that could change that. After the movie was over Parker turned off the TV and laid next to me.
“You are the most beautiful girl in the world, you know that?”
“It’s been mentioned before.” Parker looked at me with shock. ‘I’m just kidding babe, you know you’re the only man for me.” He smiled and gave me a passionate kiss. This kiss slowly turned into more and before I knew it we were taking each other’s clothes off. We shared a sweet intimate moment together, but unlike other times this time felt special. I could truly feel the love he had for me.
“I love you Parker Jonathan Redwood.”
“Mmm and I love you Kelly Brianne Foster, with all my heart.”
“What was the deal with tonight?”
“I told you I just wanted a romantic evening with my lovely girlfriend.”
“No, that’s not it, there’s more, I can tell.”
“What makes you think that.”
“I don’t know you just seem weird, different or something. I can’t put my finger on it.”
“OK, truth is, Connor told me something.”
“Connor? And you believed something Connor said?”
“I don’t know, he told me that if your girlfriend cheated on you that you’d be able to tell because, well, the sex would be different.”
“Woah, wait a minute, you had me come over here because you believed all the stupid rumors going around about me that I cheated on you in New York? So you tried to swoon me with romance so I’d have sex with you so you could use some sex test idea that you got from Connor?? A guy that hasn’t matured since 5th grade?”
“No, Kel, it’s not like that!”
“No Parker, it’s exactly like that! I thought you were better than that. I thought you’d trust me and have faith n me that I love you and only you and that I would never cheat on you. Apparently I thought wrong.” I got up and quickly dressed myself and ran for the door. I could hear Parker running behind me.
“Kelly wait, can we talk about this?”
“No Parker we can’t. It’s too late for that; we should have talked about how you didn’t believe me and we should have talked about how you felt when I got home, instead of you playing mind games with me. But it’s too late now Parker, you had all night to talk to me about this but you chose not to.” I left his house and sped off in my car. I was so furious with him. How could he use me like that?? Why didn’t he believe me?? I mean yeah, I’ll admit, I’m skinny and I’m pretty, I have long blonde hair and big blue eyes. That might make me attractive to other guys but I would NEVER cheat on Parker! I love him, or at least I thought I did.

It’s been a month since I last talked to Parker. He tried calling but I never answered him, and at school I avoided all contact. I couldn’t bring myself to even think about hearing his awful explanation. It wasn’t easy not talking to him. For the past three years we hadn’t gone more than four days without talking. My friends couldn’t help but notice a change in me. I was depressed it was obvious, but there was something else. I was watching my favorite movie “The Notebook” one Saturday when my phone started vibrating next to me. Looking at the caller ID I saw that it was Ashley.
“Hello?”
“Kel, what are you doing? Me, Heather and a couple other people are going to the drive-in tonight. You wanna join?”
“I don’t know, I’m kinda feeling under the weather.”
“Kelly, come on, you’ve been cooped up inside for a week. We miss you, it’s time you got over Parker and had some fun.”
“Thanks for the offer Ash but I think I’m just going to lay low tonight. If after the movie you and Heather want to drop by you can.”
“OK there is something seriously wrong. I’m coming over there and we’re going to talk.” With that she hung up the phone and was on her way. I knew something was wrong with me. I knew I missed Parker and I couldn’t stand not talking to him, but what if that wasn’t it? After a few minutes of pondering what was wrong with me I heard a knock at my bedroom door.
“Kel?”
“Yeah, come in.”
“We need to talk” Ashley had a worried and concerned look on her face.
“Yeah, guys I guess we do. Look I’m sorry I haven’t really been myself lately. I just have a lot on my mind. Just between things with Parker and everything.”
“Kelly, you’ve been keeping everything bottled up. That’s the problem, but Ashley and I are always here to help you. You know that.”
“I think there’s something more.”
“What do you mean something more?” Heather moved into closer to me, as if the closer she got the more she’d get out of me.
“I don’t know what, I just don’t feel the same.”
“Kelly, what are you talking about?” Ashley grew more and more concerned the more I spoke.
“I- I- uhm guys I think I’m pregnant.” Heather raised her hand to her mouth in shock and Ashley stood up in disbelief. She started to walk back and forth around my room.
“Pregnant? Kel, how do you know this? What makes you think you’re pregnant?”
“Ashley sit down, please, you’re making me nervous.”
“Kelly’s right sit down we need to talk about this. Now why do you think you’re pregnant?”
“Well, I’m about two weeks late for my period.”
“Oh my goodness! OK Kelly we’re getting you a pregnancy test right now. Come on Heather let’s go.” We all got into Heather’s car and drove to the nearest Rite Aid. Walking into the store seemed like I was walking to my doom. I walked with Heather and Ashley by my side. As we approached the aisle containing the pregnancy tests I got an awful feeling in my stomach. Feelings of nervousness and anxiety rushed over my body and all I wanted to do was run so fast in the other direction. Run back into my past, back to the day when I had sex with Parker, back before I even knew Parker. At this moment, I hated him. Ashley obviously sensed how I was feeling because she took hold of my arm and whispered, “Everything’s going to be ok; we’re here for you.”

I don't believe I've seen text that thick ever. Break it down!

How could I do that? I'm not sure what you mean by thick text?

Break the words up into smaller paragraphs.