Lagoon

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Not really expecting or requesting any criticism for this, just a random flash I thought I'd share. Literally just penned ^_^

*

The boy with fair hair lowered himself down the last few feet of rock and began to pick his way down the lagoon. The last rays of the sun painted the rocks a lurid orange-pink, leaking onto the black, still surface of water. It was almost time.
John stood a few feet away from the water’s edge, as it gently licked the shore. He waited with bated breath as the sun finally gave up its torrid battle and sank from sight. Blue-black darkness descended and a chill breeze swept around him. John shivered, hunching into himself, feverish gaze locked on the water. There they remained as the darkness deepened and the ghost of the sun rose into the sky. He stared at the pock-marked face of the moon in despair.
She wasn’t coming.
He couldn’t understand it, couldn’t see why tonight of all nights she would leave him. Three nights ago, he’d heard the call – not a tune, or minstrel’s song, no, nothing so base. This was something else, an ephemeral melody expressed on another plane entirely. It sank into his skin, blood and bones until his whole body thrummed to its beat and he had to move, to dance, and leave. He climbed out of his window, on jitterbug legs that wouldn’t stay still and followed the sound.
And there she was.
At first, there was nothing discernible; no source, until he saw a glint, a fast moving glimmer that swished beneath the surface. Excited, he had followed the shimmer as it ping-ponged throughout the lagoon in a madcap dash of eclectic joy, each rebound eliciting another pulse of euphoric sound. It was magical. His body folded into the ground, losing animate focus, mind thrown into whole new worlds of ecstasy; stars were born, aged, and crumbled before his gaze as he watched whole galaxies come to life. All too soon, the song deserted him, leaving him drained and leaden-limbed.
Everything else seemed to lose appeal, as the days went by in a mundane blur. John didn’t pay attention to anything else, didn’t care to climb the biggest trees, to run through the fields playing tag. It wasn’t that colours were muted, or people less interesting, only that the song consumed all else; it echoed in his ears until he thought he’d go mad for the strain of hearing it and he scratched his face until it bled.
‘What happened to your face? It’s bleeding,’ his mother had asked, in a rare moment of lucidity.
‘Just playing,’ he replied, not turning away from the window.
Lucy was another who pestered him with her worry, only she was harder to put off. ‘Something’s wrong,’ she insisted once and after, in a smaller, quiet voice. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’
Of course, she couldn’t know and how could he tell her? His lips pursed in thought. Was he being selfish? Perhaps, he thought, he should let her know but right now, he was too tired to think on it. It always seemed to be the way of it here, as he slipped to the ground, the lagoon seemed to grow bigger and darker. The light was getting brighter; no longer just a muted gleam, he thought sleepily. The other night he was sure a face had formed, for the briefest moment, and it had been too beautiful, too impossibly perfect.
Rocks dug into his back as he lay still, locked in a staring match with the moon. He didn’t bother shifting. He was as comfortable as he could be. John wasn’t quite sure when the music had begun, or if it had ever stopped, he was just relieved that she was here now, with him once more. A cold, wet hand cupped his cheek and he shuddered as he felt the music truly rip into his soul. It was encompassed and made flesh before him; he only wished he could see it. Everything was black, dark and still. He couldn’t feel his body, didn’t want to – he was so much more, spread so large and though cold, he couldn’t be happier for his depth. Though he seemed empty from without, he knew now that millions of life forms swirled within, on a multitude of currents.
There were no worries, pressures or expectations. He existed and that was all. The moon lay down upon him, resting her weighty shadow on his shoulder. It was a comfortable silence between them, in which nothing was hidden. Memory was fading, though the odd reflection – trapped images in the undercurrents – ripped passed, taunting him with their elusiveness. The worst of it was Lucy’s face, which seemed to hang above his placid surface, calling desperately. He couldn't hear her. It was all warped, twisted into the melody that constantly echoed until nothing else remained.
Last edited by Jiggity on Sat Jan 17, 2009 8:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Yeah. It's obvious that this is a rough draft. Right now, it's an underdeveloped pseudo-story of a couple of snapshots of several scenes that really have no congruity with each other, since they lack any sparkle of conflict, internal or external. This means, of course, that the narrator seems distant and unlikable and there's really no emotional depth to the story whatsoever. Lack of conflict will kill a story like that. Mind you, it is good as a potential beginning that can be wrestled into something that might be good, but you're going to wrestle hard. And, although I wish I can give you good advice, since this story has no conflict, you have to figure out what glues it together. Basically? You got to work by yourself on it before anyone can give you anything constructive.

This is something I would probably post on my blog so that only I could see, just because it's so rough and I would be embarrassed to show it in a forum for criticism. :? Why did you post it?
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"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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This was about a mermaid, right? It reminds me a little bit of the mermaids in Harry Potter, with the screeching/singing. It's hard to tell though, I think you may have made it a little more dramatic than it needed to be, but I guess it's better to have too much drama than too little, eh?

pock-marked face of the moon

Nice personification here.

he had to move, to dance, and leave

He had to dance? What? I always think of dancing as more of a formal thing, so this threw me off a bit.

on knee-jerk jitterbug legs that wouldn’t stay still and followed the sound.

You really only need one of these: "knee-jerk", "jitterbug", or "wouldn't stay still".

His body folded into the ground, losing animate focus, mind thrown into whole new worlds of ecstasy; stars were born, aged, and crumbled before his gaze as he watched whole galaxies come to life

This is great description, but it might be better if you were describing something in a way that could be heard instead of seen, because the mermaid's song is what seems to affect John the most.

he scratched his face until it bled.

Why his face? Why not his ears?

his mother had asked, in a rare moment of lucidity.

John's lucidity, or his mother's?

John wasn’t quite sure when the music had begun, or if it had ever stopped, he was just relieved that she was here now, with him once more.

This is a really long sentence. I would rewrite it like this:
John wasn’t quite sure when the music had begun, or if it had ever stopped; he was just relieved that she was here with him once more.


I love flash-fiction. It isn't too long, but you still get a good story out of it. :3
Thanks for sharing. ^^
"God is dead." -Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead." -God




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Well, I didn't post it for criticism, Snoinkles; just wanted to post something as its been a little while since I last did and really, its just a bit of creative exercise. I don't even want to wrestle it into something else, though I might tweak it a bit if I can be bothered.

Trikky -- it wasn't a mermaid. The HP comment is just about the most horrific thing anyone's ever said regarding my stuff XD.

[music is a recurring theme in my short randoms as I like to call them]

Thanks anyways peeps
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko



“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw