Forsaken Ch. one.

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 147
This story has two narrators. Joanna and Chase. They switch every other chapter. The next chapter is a little rough so here is the first one. Hope ya like vampires/adventures/romance....i think you get it.

Joanna

It all started on my thirteenth birthday, the day everything changed. My adopted mother, Paige Maxwell, told me who I truly was, a witch. To be more specific I am a bounty hunter; born to hunt and kill any vampire that crosses my path.
I know that all sounds completely ridiculous, I was skeptical at first as well. That was until she brought me with her on a hunt and I saw my first vampire. I saw his pale translucent skin, his long dog like fangs, his unfathomable beauty and his disturbing death.
From then on I have been trained to kill my enemy by personal trainers along with fellow bounty hunters. Paige and the elders in her coven have taught me the ways of witchcraft. They showed me that witchcraft is the magical influence towards nature. We harm none—except vampires—with our craft. We posses the power to see another’s aura, and vampires definitely don’t have one. Which makes spotting them so much easier to do.
Before, I had five personal trainers that taught me how vampires move, how I should move, and how to handle a gun or two. Most of the trainers have been up close and personal with vampires, even lived with one at some point in time. The others are kung fu and karate. I have mastered all the courses, but nothing can truly prepare you for your first kill.
However, today I have the day off. Paige is sending me off to collage. Which has nothing to do with my education. My going to collage is completely bounty hunter business to her. In a small town called Sentinelsville, Washington there is an overpopulation of vamps and it is my job to fix that. Which I would have no problem doing if I didn’t have to actually live there.
“Do you understand your orders? I don’t want to have to clean up your mess.” Paige said to me. We were driving there from Seattle. Although she is my guardian, she isn’t very easy to talk to. And being in a car for an hour with no escape except the radio is pure torture.
“Blend in, find information, secretly kill.” I said, counting them on my fingers.
“Don’t get smart with me, Joanna. This is your first long term under cover project. If you get in to deep you may never be able to get out. Now what’s the first rule about going undercover?”
“Play dumb?” I asked as innocently as I could.
Page rolled her baby blues, “Close enough, I suppose. I’ve already set up living arrangements with three other kids. And I’ve already checked them out and they are not vampires. However, one of them is—strange.” She struggled with the last word so I let that drop.
“What about classes?”
She sighed, “I suppose you have to actually take part in the stupid collage tradition in order to play the part. I’ve talked to the dean and you are a History major. But I don’t want you to skip classes just for the fun of it, maybe you should even study.”
I gasped, “Not that, anything but that.”
She scoffed but didn’t continue for a while.
My stomach turned when I saw the ‘Now entering Sentinelsville!’ sign.
“You have a meeting with the dean this afternoon around five. By then you should be unpacked and I want you to do a little shopping too. I don’t like what you’ve brought.”
Which is next to nothing. I only brought two suitcases. One has my day cloths and toiletries and the other has my ass kicking gear. Which includes knifes, guns, small crossbow, bullets, arrows, combat boots, and my legendary outfit. Black—obviously—corset with dark red embroidered roses and tight, yet flexible, black pants.
I smiled to myself. Not many bounty hunters have my kind of reputation by the time they are eighteen. When I was sixteen I was already known as ‘the fearless guardian of the knight.’ I stopped counting how many I’ve killed. Last I remembered was one hundred and eighty five, and that was when I was sixteen. Then I started killing entire covens at a time and keeping track was getting too difficult.
“Do they even have stores here? That aren’t second hand, I mean.” I asked gawking out the window.
Both sides of the streets where lined with little stores and coffee shops. Collage students filled the sidewalks and I groaned. “I thought this place was disserted.” I said to mostly myself.
“It’s a collage campus, of course it’s not. Get use to it. And as your cover, you need to find yourself a job. You don’t want anyone suspecting where you get all your money.”
Where do I get all my money, you ask? Well, I don’t do what I do for free. The elders don’t want anything traced back to them so they pay bounty hunters to do their dirty work. Normally, it coasts about five hundred dollars to kill off one vampire. But I get the job done, and fast, so it is more like five thousand. This job, I don’t get paid in full until after all the kills, but it’s a little over two million dollars. The more danger you put yourself in, the more money you get.
But for me, it was never about the money. It’s more about the enthrallment and control. Which is sick and twisted, but hey, I’m saving your ass from vamps after you so don’t judge me. Any money I get goes straight to Paige. She puts it away until I really get myself into trouble and need to run. She’s had to run twice now because she let them get to her. She fell in love with them. That is rule number two in going undercover, never get too attached to them. They only trick you. Which is why I’m stronger than Paige and all of the other bounty hunters. I won’t allow myself to fall in love.
I’m going to Washington U. only because the elders bought a new library or new wing for the school. Who knew bribes worked in real life.
There wasn’t much room for meadows or fields or even a casino outside the campus before we hit houses. Most of them were hidden behind tall stone walls covered in Ivy. Oh yeah, that’s not a welcome vamps sign.
At the end of some road, I didn’t bother to see the name, was a small manor—covered in ivy—with iron gates. Paige put the car in park and sighed, “Out you go.”
I rolled my eyes, “Could this place be any more creepier?” When I got out and got a better look, the house looked like it was haunted. All of the curtains were drawn and no sign of life came from inside. Dead brown leaves cluttered the long driveway that led up to the front of the house then split to the garage. The leaves twirled in the wind onto the porch, which had one rocking chair that squeaked as it rocked.
Paige put on a fake smile and said in a teasing voice, “They grow up so fast.” Then rolled her eyes tossing my suitcases on the ground.
“Hey, watch it! Those are expensive”
She pouted and got back in the car, “Don’t get into any trouble. I can’t afford to put you into another school. Love you, sweet heart.” She yelled out the window as she drove off.
I turned back to my new home. This is going to be a long semester.
Luckily the door was unlocked, but it creaked when it opened. That is swell and all, but I’m attempting to look normal and this house seems like an attraction for abnormal things.
And I was exactly right. A girl—covered in black—came skipping down the hall. Her short blonde hair done in pigtails, she had black and red pleaded skirt, tights, and high-heeled boots with skulls on them. She had a long sleeved mesh shirt with a black tank top over it and of course raccoon eyes and bright red lipstick. Not to mention oddly pale skin, even for someone living where the sun never rises.
“Hi!” she said, high pitched, “I’m Stella,” she held out her hand for me to shake.
“Jo.” I said taking her hand.
Her grin widened, “Our other room mates, Chase and Blaze, are out for a while, so I’ll show you around.”
She picked up one of my suitcases and stared walking down the hall. Reluctantly I followed. “I’m not trying to sound mean, but you all have strange names.” I said.
She laughed, “Well, my name means star. And I don’t know why Chase is named Chase. But Blaze isn’t his birth name, it was a nick name he picked up in high school. He was a huge pot head.”
“Oh.” I simply replied.
“Jo is a strange name for a girl.” She said.
“It’s short for Joanna, and it doesn’t have any special meaning.”
We both forced small laughs and moved on.
The walls were plain off white with old dark wood moldings. She led me to some stairs. “It’s going to be so much fun having another girl around. Being the only girl sucks, especially when neither of them can cook anything besides Mac and cheese.”
When we reached the top of the stairs she turned and started going up more stairs. “The way the house is set up, Blaze and I are on the second floor. You and Chase have the third floor. That’s what happens when you’re last to move in. You don’t really get a choice. Sorry.”
I shrugged, “I don’t mind.”
At the top of the stairs there was a short hallway there were two doors across from each other, my bedroom door was on the left and the bathroom was at the end of the hall. “We have to share it.” I guessed, pointing to the bathroom.
She smiled apologetically, “Chase spends most of his time downstairs, though. He doesn’t really like being alone.”
I nodded, that would work, because I love being alone.
My room was huge! There was a queen size canopy bed at the far wall, which was all window from the floor to the ceiling. There was a desk and dresser at one end of the room and two…yes two closets. “Is this seriously all your stuff?” she asked drawing my attention to the suitcase that she was holding. All of my gear.
“Yeah,” I said taking it from her and putting it on the bed. “I’ll buy everything else later.”
She stared at me, wide eyed, green eyes. “Alone?”
I walked to the window. You could see the green and golden treetops meet the mountains in the distance. I smiled and pressed my hand on the glass. The thick woods were a perfect place to hide a small house where a coven of vampires slept.
“Jo, you can’t just roam around town. There are rules.”
I tore myself away from the view to look at her, “What are you talking about?”
“There are rules that you have to abide by in our town.”
Play dumb, “Town like yours?”
She bit her lip and avoided my eyes, “Well, the town is run by—vampires. And I’m not trying to be a smart-ass. They could kill you if you don’t follow their rules.”
So the town knows and does nothing? The situation is worse than I thought. “When you say vampires you mean blood sucking, night crawling, dead guys?” I asked trying to act skeptical.
“I know it sounds stupid, but you can’t just walk around not knowing.”
I sat on my bed, “I’m listening.”
She sat next to me, spilling about the neighboring vamps. They own the entire town, from coffee shops to the police. During the day there is no real rule saying you cant go out alone, but its wise to have buddy. Wow, sounds like second grade to me. Going out past eight is suicide. The school campus is the only true neutral place in town where vamps aren’t aloud to hunt. If some one connected with the vampires even suspects that foul play, then vampires get sent after you. They have everything bugged, like the phones, Internet and mail.
There are a lot of people in town, Stella calls them fang bangers, that get protection from vampires by giving into them. Letting them suck your blood every now and then when they need a snack.
ICK!
Also there are a lot of blood drives in town. If you are a legal citizen you have to donate your blood, no one knows what happens if you reject because its never happened. But fang bangers get a get out of jail free card when it comes to anything, because they always have a super human to back them up.
“This is all way to suck for me.” I said when she was finished, “Its unbelievable.”
“I know how weird this all must be for you but it’s the truth. You can believe me or not, but I’ll be here with the ‘I told you so’ when you come back crying.”
I ignored her continuous rant and tried to figure out why so many are in the same place taking over a town. What do they gain? Could this contribute to taking over the world? It could be an experiment to see if they could successfully take over the world without any trouble from humans.
Not if I can help it.
“Do you know why they are doing this?” I asked.
She shrugged, “A sure meal I guess. Or maybe they want a town of just vampires so they took over this one. I don’t know. The possibilities are endless. But don’t go asking around either or people will start talking. I guess not people, but just the same. Don’t to do it.”
I nodded, “Well, I do need to go shopping and I have a meeting with the dean at five. What do I do?”
She perked up and skipped to the door. “I’ll drive.”


End Chapter
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1390
Reviews 69
Hey jasmine12! I think you've got a great thing going here. It's an interesting plot, and I'd love to read more. There are a few things I've noticed, though. You don't have to pay any attention to me if you don't agree, this is just what I think:

There's a whole lot of intro in the beginning. I know that's kind of what the beginning is for, but I think it would go smoother if you show her doing some of the things you say she did. Maybe you could describe her first experience seeing a vampire, or how she reacted when she first found out she was a witch with more detail. They're just some thoughts though.

"However, today I have the day off. Paige is sending me off to collage."
I think the word you're going for is college, not collage. A collage is that kind of art with a lot of pictures overlapping each other.

“Blend in, find information, secretly kill.” I said, counting them on my fingers.
In a situation like this, you'll want to end the sentence they say with a comma.
"Blend in, find information, secretly kill," I said, counting them on my fingers.
You'll notice it's like that in all the books.

"and my legendary outfit." It would be best to end this with a colon, since you continue with describing the outfit.

“I thought this place was disserted.” Deserted is the correct spelling.

“Jo.” I said taking her hand.
You'll want a comma after 'said'

Like I said before, this is great! You've got some great words and descriptions, and I love the attitude your character has. Keep writing! I want to see more!

--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9697
Reviews 3900
Hey Jasmine! So, I'm looking at your stuff, and it's quite interesting! Fang-bangers? It sounds like a really kinky term, but it also sounds sooo true, if that's what they are. I have a slight suspicion that Stella is a vampire or a fang banger or somebody close, just because she seems so open to Jo in telling her everything. It just seems odd for her to do. After all, she's in a vampire town... she seems concerned enough around vampires. And she probably knows that vampires exist outside this town too. So... why is she talking about them to Jo? How can she trust her as far as not being a vampire? So I think she's way too over-friendly, and it'll be interesting to see how Jo gets betrayed. She seems like she trusts Stella, so this is definitely going to pan out in an interesting way. :twisted:

Just a couple of things: you have a lot of typos in here, and you're totally going to want to go through the story with a fine-tooth comb and fix everything. And I know you said your spelling and grammar sucks, etc., but you're a lovely story writer with a wonderful narrative style. :) The only thing that's really holding you back is all the typos. So work on it! Make a game of finding the most spelling errors! And then, once this thing is pretty and the novel is finished, then submit it to publishers! They are totally looking for interesting vampire stories. Why not yours? ;)

Anyway, I'll give you a hint... "collage" is an art project. The word you want is "college." And I'm specifically singling out that word because you're probably going to be doing college applications soon, and I don't want you to misspell that word. ^^

And! As a college junior myself... they're not roommates. For roommates, they physically share the same room. Instead, they're housemates. :)

Good luck with the rest of this story! I see you have three chapters up. Hopefully you'll post more soon. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it.
— Grace Helbig