His Name was Thomas

His name was Thomas. It was the 5th of July and I was part of a group of students invited to our principal and English teachers’ wedding. I recall that morning, Thomas was late getting up, so I called Roger asking for a ride to the pre-wedding shenanigans we had planned that day. Finally, after about 15 minutes of waiting, Thomas called my cell phone and said he was right outside with Roger already in the back seat. Thomas drove a gray Mitsubishi Montoya, covered in bumper stickers, his favorite of which said, “Got Milk?.” He was wearing a black suit with a pair of black Chucks and some dark sunglasses. At any rate, we were extremely late.
We were supposed to meet the groom at 8am outside of the bar and grill. It was 7:45am and we still had a half hour drive ahead of us to our destination. So we got on 680 as fast as we could. Thomas, in all his brilliance, missed the ramp to get onto 4, so we spent another 10 minutes trying to get off 680, then find another entrance to 4.
Eventually we ended up on a country road, headed towards Half Moon Bay. We passed a car of teenage girls and Roger decided to comment on Thomas’ obvious head-turn.
“Why would any girl like you anyway, Thomas? You’re a disgusting guy that smokes! Besides, you‘ll do anything that moves.” I couldn’t help feeling horribly uncomfortable at that exact moment.
Thomas only said, “Roger, I don’t do just any girl.” He said it in the most passive way, and as he said it he gave me this sideways glance. He gave me this look of guilt mixed with sadness. Its hard to explain just what his face looked like. I crossed my arms and brought my legs up to my chest. I turned my head to look out the window; I couldn’t stand to look at him.
The only thing racing through my mind was, “this is going to ruin everything.”

It was 12am when we finally drove home from the wedding. We were on 4, going through Antioch when Thomas turned the music up and the air conditioner on. After a few minutes, Thomas spoke up, “Roger, you gotta drive. I can’t stay awake. I can’t do it. I’m too tired.”
“Ok, sure Thomas. I got it.“ Thomas pulled the car over on the side of the road, and Roger took over the seat at the wheel. We kept driving until we got back to town. Roger pulled up in front of my house and I grabbed my purse and hopped out of the car.
“Wait, you forgot your stuff in the back,” Thomas said, half asleep. I had brought a duffle bag of old army clothes for our pre-wedding surprise for the bride. It was a military wedding.
“I’ll just get it when you come to my grad party tomorrow. Have a nice night guys.”

He didn’t show up to my grad party on Monday. Roger showed. Thomas didn’t even call.

On Tuesday, Thomas finally called. He said he was going to drop off my duffle bag. I said I’d be home all day and he could drop by any time. He said he’d be there around noon.

At noon, he knocked on my door, duffle bag in hand. He was wearing a white wifebeater, black shorts, sunglasses on his head, and his black Chucks. Sweat was covering his face, making his brown hair gleam. I was going to be going off to work at a camp for six weeks and was leaving in two days. He knew it.
“Well here’s your stuff, babe.”
“Thanks. Wouldn’t want to go off for six weeks without this stuff, huh?”
We both laughed. We talked for a few minutes about how our summers we going to be. Then I gave him a hug; it seemed to last forever. Somehow though, I felt like this was the last time I was ever going to see him.
“I’m going to miss you so much.”
“You’re only gone six weeks. You aren’t going to miss me, babe. Besides, I’m only good for a laugh.”
The look in his eyes said different. I don’t know what that look was. As he walked back to his car, he seemed to pause halfway across the lawn. I still can’t figure out what that look he gave me meant, or if what he said meant something deeper. I keep replaying that moment in my mind, over and over. Keep thinking I should have stopped him and told him, or at least offered him something to drink to cool him off. The weather that day was in the upper nineties.
I closed the door as I heard him drive away. I turned around from the door and felt my body slump to the floor, felt my eyes filling up with tears. That was the last time I ever saw Thomas.

A few months later, I was driving out of a parking lot after picking up a pizza. Cool November rain was falling that night, and as I drove out of the parking lot, I saw his car drive past going in the opposite direction. I didn’t see him inside, as it was too dark outside to see. I felt a chill all the way down my spine.

Confusing. Interesting but confusing. To be honest, I didn't know the gender of the narrator until about half way through, and that little revelation put a new light on everything that came before it. Please mention it earlier. And do you have a plot? The thinking is so scrambled I had trouble telling. Your talking all about a wedding and not wanting to be late and then you don't even tell us anything about it. And how exactly does that conversation ruin everything? 'd like to know more about your characters, not just what you have. Describe them more! We no absolutly nothing about your narrartor and she's the most important person! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think this needs a rewrite. Add much more characterization I hope this helps and that you do keep going with this.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! Please make sure to review two stories soon. We have a rule that for every story you post, we request that the author critiques two stories. This way no one is neglected.

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Time, How Drab

You seem to spend a great deal of energy with telling us hours of the day as if we're supposed to follow this timeline. Hate to break it to you but unless dates, hours, minutes, even seconds are crucial to the plot, it's a tactic best avoided. As such, while I was reading, I got exceedingly bored and fast. Not good at all, obviously.

I suggest in negating that devine timeline of dullness. It really drags down the story. When editing, try this: Erase all the hours mentioned in your story, and see how well it flows as an experiment. I believe you'll discover that they are not as manditory as you may assume but try it anyway and determine the outcome for yourself.

When Plots Stay Buried

Ah. Plots. They are without a doubt one of the more challenging elements of literature. Unfortunately, I did not notice any type of plot to your story that sparked interest. I know about a wedding and that time is of great importance as it is slipping away, but that's it. Not exactly reviting, is it?

A plot is very much the foundation of a story, exactly how it corresponds with a house. Without a foundation, a house would crumble and most certaintly not stand the tests of time. Your plot is very weak, thus the story will only wither, begging in mercy for its writer to expand with description and backstories of the characters.

You have a very basic outline but please expand. Don't be shy. Show us more about Thomas and his story as I'm thinking there is much more to his personality that he is letting on. Experiment. Use the Character Developement Usergroup in the Usergroups. The forum is modded by Snoink.

Charactization, Why Must I Bother?

Well, dear, without solid characters, there isn't life. Characters make the stories we write worthwhile, especially when we as the readers are able to form attachments.

There is zilch in the way of charactization for Thomas, who you seem to be highly fond of for some reason. Throughout the majority of the story, you definitely shine a beacon over him but the problem is you forgot about Roger and this other character that is speaking to us through First Person POV.

Also, you tell us everything, and show us very little. In fact, you've accomplished a grocery list. Listing events in chronical order is a perfect tactic in sending your reader off into a coma, and quick! One of the cardinal rules of storytelling is show, don't tell. Show us what might be going through Thomas's mind and the other characters as well. However, since you've chosen the First Person POV, there is a disavantage. You're stuck with your main character as everything that happens will be told through their eyes.

Might I suggest with a rewrite (I highly suggest a rewrite as well) that you try the Third Person POV. With this approach, you can jump from person to person so that we might understand everyone more throughly. Also, their traits will mostly likely bombard you like a ton of bricks. Grand stuff, actually.

Last but not least, in the upper, right hand corner, you'll notice, "Resources." If you click the drop down menu, might I point you in the direction of the Knowledge Base? There are so many helpful articles on every aspect of literature. Really, the place is a treasure trove of information and the best feature, all those articles/tetorials were written by the members of the YWS.

I hope you found my advice helpful. Cheers!
Jess