Innocently Guilty P2

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This is a rough draft. Need help with it. Feel free to trash it as long as it helps. :)
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Panic was running the people of Salem. There was a worldwide witch hunt, for something that shouldn't have existed, but did. The magic that everyone once wanted, was now being hunted. Now, that it might be a reality, people grew confused. They hunted for the unknown out of fear.

Living in Salem had been peaceful until the sranger had arrived. Liana had been shopping for her dinner when he rode in. The wind blew fiercely, his black coat billowed behind him. The stallion that he rode was midnight black. At a first look, she identified what he was; a demonic fake.

Salem had finally caught on to the witch panic. They had hired a witch hunter. Most were fake, but the way this one sent shivers down her spine was real. Fear set in her and she dropped the basket of vegtables she had been holding. Quickly she scooped them up before the stranger could see. She didn't posess such luck. Turning, he faced her to look her dead in the eyes. Goosebumps rose on her arms.

Remebering her manners, she muttered a good day, and left for home. Leaving for the forest would be the smartest thing to do now. Her mother had told her about these witch hunters.

Her aura wasn’t that strong, not yet. She would be safe. Liona had not cast magic yet, she would be under the radar. Keeping it a secret for long now would be impossible. Many young witches had found their demise that way; burned before they could learn how to use magic.

Many people innocent of witchcraft were convicted of course. Most of the villagers in her area that had dabbled in herbs had been accused. Vengeance was stalking their town. Anyone on the wrong side of a person in power was called a witch.

Liona knew of course that she would be called out. The only living survivor of an epidemic that had coursed through her mother’s home and town looked magical enough. The raven black hair that tumbled down her back and her bright green eyes were trademarks of the line of witches she had been born to.

When she was packing, she chanced upon her mother’s spell book. Just as she was pausing to admire it, the villagers burst in, holding iron chains. There was a brief expression of surprise on their faces before they began to chase her. Slamming the door to her basement, she budged it with a nearby broomstick.

Running over to her intricate rug, she pushed it back and opened the hatch to her trapdoor. Her mother had installed it years before so she could make visits to the forest for herbs without anyone raising suspension. Thanking her mother quietly she lowered herself and lowered the door with a silent click.

Hopefully, she would make it to the forest before they found the door. Maybe they wouldn’t find it at all. Pulling a candle from her pocket, she breathed upon it. Who knew her first magic would be performed as she was running for her life?

Hearing the uproar above her she quickened her pace. The news had got out. About now she would be below the tavern. Men’s footsteps hustled out the door. The forest was close. She arose from the trapdoor in the forest. Using her feet, she covered the weathered door with debris.

The moon shone bright above her. Voices were close and Liona started running. They villagers had found her.
Last edited by Kaylyn on Wed Dec 17, 2008 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Humph. No PM to let me know this was up. Ah well, found it anyway.

Two girls had started acting abnormal and instead of owning up to bad behavior they blamed it on magic.


Who are "they"?

Something that was believed to be a myth, something that had been hidden away from prying eyes.


What is something? Link this sentence with it's anticeedent.

Liona knew as soon as he arrived what he truly was; demonic.


This is unclear. Somewhere between "arrived" and the semicolon you lost the point to the sentence.

Her aura wasn’t that strong, not yet. She would be safe. Liona had not cast magic yet, she would be under the radar. Keeping it a secret for long now would be impossible. Many young witches had found their demise that way; burned before they could learn how to use magic.


"Under the radar" is a rather modern term. Replace. Also, the "Keeping it a secret now" bit is hard to understand. Rework it or put it in it's own paragraph

Liona knew of course that she would be called out. The only living survivor of an epidemic that had coursed through her mother’s home and town looked magical enough. The raven black hair that tumbled down her back and her bright green eyes were trademarks of the line of witches she had been born to.


First you say she'll be under the radar, then you say she'll be called. Also, not another witch with black hair. The green eyes are also pushing it.

As she was riding through the village, Liona had noticed that the man bored his eyes into her back. He had made certain that he knew he was keeping an eye on her. Kicking her horse into a gallop, she headed home to prepare to leave town.


A bit too much past perfect here. You could drop the "had"s after the first line.

There was a brief expression of surprise on their faces before they began to chase her.


Why is it brief? How could they chase her in her home?

Slamming the door to her basement, she budged it with a nearby broomstick.


"Budged"? I find that a bit strange. And I'm pretty sure you didn't mean this, but did you have to use a broomstick?

Thanking her mother quietly she lowered herself and lowered the door with a silent click.


So her mother is dead? That info is somewhat glazed over in the above paragraphs. Add a bit more emphesis on the death.

Who knew her first magic would be performed as she was running for her life?


This cuts us out of the character's thoughts. Re-work it so it's not a question.

Hearing the uproar above her she quickened her pace. The news had got out. About now she would be below the tavern. Men’s footsteps hustled out the door. The forest was close. She arose from the trapdoor in the forest. Using her feet, she covered the weathered door with debris.


The sentences in here are detached from each other. Try linking them somehow.

The moon shone bright above her. Voices were close and Liona started running. They villagers had found her.


Pretty good for an ending. But, the first and second sentences are a little...bland.

I have got one question for you: Why put this as a flashback? This flashback would make a pretty interesting opening if it was fleshed out. Perhaps not as heart-stopping as your current chapter/part 1, but done well it would be eyecatching. And, in my opinion, since you need an entire chapter of flashback, not just a few paragraphs, you probably should start it near the beginning of this flashback. Perhaps when the man came into town and she began fearing for her life. Although, the time between the man arriving and Liona deciding to leave is fuzzy. A flashback, esspecially one that's in past perfect constently, destracts from the story and halts all movement.

If you do keep this as a flashback, drop the past perfect after the first mention of "had." Repeating the word and continuing to use gerrends (verbs ending in "ing") reminds us that this is before the start of the story.

I found this okay. The plot is good, but the exicution isn't that great. Flashbacks like this stop the story in it's track, and you were on a good one. I'd really start the story somewhere during this flashback. Done well, it would be just as eye-catching as your chase opening.

Hope I helped!
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Hey Kaylan, I thought this was very good, but is this happening before the other post because the title says part two. Anyway I only saw one other thing that I think Rosey missed:
[quote]As she was riding through the village, Liona had noticed that the man bored his eyes into her back. He had made certain that he knew he was keeping an eye on her. Kicking her horse into a gallop, she headed home to prepare to leave town. [quote]


I think you meant for that he that is bold to be a she , He had made certain that she knew he was keeping and eye on her.
That was the only thing I saw, I'd like to read more of this when you write it if you could PM me. Great job!
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Please, kep it coming, but I think I saw a few spelling misstakes....
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Helooooooo...Heeelo...


Living in Salem had been peaceful until the sranger had arrived.


I think typo...Stranger


The wind blew fiercely, his black coat billowed behind him. The stallion that he rode was midnight black. At a first look, she identified what he was; a demonic fake.


Shivers ran up my back at this part...Finish this story, and it might just make you a millionaire.


this one sent shivers down her spine


Snap!

Erg! Now I understand your hatred of cliffhangers! Please PM me when the next part is out.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?



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