Him

removed

Overall, I liked this: it was very powerful, and the imagery was deeply evocative. It was, however, rather erratic, both in structure and in narration; you might want to work on smoothing it out a little and making your point a little more coherent - I found the last verses in particular rather difficult to square with the rest.

I thought sooner than I should have.
My teeth sunk into arrogance's morish meat,
My appetite insatiable, I consumed your body, mind and soul.
Blindly I ate from endless bounty, but never were you fully mine.

The first two lines here are rather awkward, but I love the last two.

Second verse is love. Third could use a little bit more originality (insofar as the "dark" and "empty" part goes) but overall was OK.

I touched you when I thought you near,
But never had the cusps of our minds been so ravined.
You turned away and for every degree, a more frightening horror came.
Your eyes betrayed a melancholy hate.

...a little to overwrought, perhaps.

I ruined myself and tore your head in two,
I'd made myself an idol of flesh and mind for you.
But whatever I say or do or think, this will never make me proud,
Those three words I said to you, from now I'll never say out loud.

Similar here. I like the first two lines, though. Very moving.

Hello Shadow Charleton!

First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm sorry this critique is a little bit late, but it had to be uploaded. Sgt Salt and I did a video critique for you! That is, first we read your poem and then we commented on it. So hopefully our comments will help you and such. As usual, if you have any questions, just ask. Also, if you can't actually see the video, just bug me and I'll give you a proper critique.

Here it is!

http://revver.com/video/1348466/affilia ... ue-of-him/

So yeah. Hope that helps!

bubblewrapped:

I accept your first paragraph. It is erratic and does not have a solid structure, and I suppose the point is hard to grasp as a portion of the language is metaphorical, but there is a point to be grasped.

The first two lines communicated the beginnings of the narrator's circumstance, but you're right that they are somewhat awkward.

As to the third verse, the language that you're criticising is metaphorical, or rather, you need to appreciate the overall theme to fully understand what it means.

Snoink:

So yeah. Hope that helps!

It would help more if I could hear it properly.

I think I got the jist of it, though. I'll clarify a few things:

- This is not a poem about vampires, and that it inspired references to Twilight makes me feel ashamed.
- The 'cannibalistic' elements in the poem are metaphorical.

You've got me on the rhythm/meter and the self-centered narrator. I'll accept that the lack of meter and rhythm obstructs the flow of the poem at times, but I disagree with the self-centered nature of the narrator making the poem less accessible to an audience (I gathered that was your meaning from the video, but I'm sorry if that's not what you meant, my laptop has limited audio capabilities and that video was very quiet to me). Perhaps I haven't done it -well-, as your idols in the picture in the background are allowed to, but there are many paradigms to creating interesting poems, and a self-centered narrator does not automatically make a poem that is less good or effective than one with external themes.

Also, forsooth, I did hear one of ye speak that thy mind was not accustomed to olde time speak. Too bad. I'll concede that it's probably a distraction unless it's used more often throughout the poem, but I'm not about to change it in a hurry.

I also understand that the line:

Those three words I said to you, from now I'll never say out loud.

Was thought to be cliche because of 'those three words'. Those three words are not 'I love you', if that is the cliche that was surmised.

I'm kind of sad that you didn't seem to grasp what the poem was about (which is more a critique of my ability to communicate it than your ability to read between the lines), even though you stumbled over the evidence that would lead you to the conclusion. But thank you for the critique, you highlighted the poem's weaknesses and I can make certain that in future works they aren't repeated.

EDIT: I'm honoured my poem warranted a video critique, by the way.