Requiem I

Greetings. Here's the second part of my large-scale story. At the moment, the whole thing is still just building up, chapter 1 and chapter 2 by now are mostly just about characters being introduced, and giving a small prod to the whole plot, to get it rolling. As always, critic, comments, or anything else is much appreciated. I'm really just looking for people telling me what they think, regardless of what they have to say. As mentioned in chapter 1, I also still offer to send the word document to people who want to read it with a prettier font and coloration. Uh... well, this is about the chapter, not me talking about it, so, let's get to the meatier part (enjoy!):

Chapter II: Guilty

The first rays of light were only but beginning to break through the dark of night, and the cold morning air covered the city in a dense fog. The rain had stopped, but water was still dripping down on Nathan from the few leaves left on the trees. He was the only one in the park at this hour, walking in a slow pace, daydreaming. A light breeze came up, stroking him and tearing off more leaves from the trees. The park, at summer, was a busy place, but now it looked abandoned, ghostly.
Nathan stopped, standing in the middle of an open, circular area with an old fountain in the middle. A statue of a cute, chubby little angel pouring water out of a chalice.

He stared at the fountain, barely moving, his hands in his pockets. Unaware of it, his hands were fiddling with the tickets for the train. His ticket to a new life... and hers.

I hurried through the rain, rushing through the park. A few other people were there too, but they were also running about, trying to find any shelter from the merciless rain. Hell, I cursed a lot, I hate getting wet. And then I got to this place... right here, by the fountain. She just dropped her handbag, scattering all her belongings on the ground. She was beautiful. I just couldn't help, but ignore the rain and go to her. I was already wet like a fish anyway. I kneeled down and just helped her grab up her stuff. She looked up at me, and smiled while thanking me. Such an innocent smile, I could not remember when someone enchanted me in such a way. Yes, she was special. I cannot say what exactly it was. Maybe that flowing, dark red hair, that smile, her tender voice or maybe just her eyes. But I was gone. We got up again, and she was about to say goodbye. I... I just couldn't let her go like that. She was shivering because she did not have any jacket, and so, I just put mine off, and offered it to her. Again she blessed me with that heavenly smile of hers. I think I must have looked somewhat stupid. Someone like her surely would not be single, and I'm not exactly what you would have called a gentleman. And the way I acted, god, it must have been so obvious. But she accepted, and invited me to stay at her's until the rain was over. She told me she was living just a block away from the garden. On the way to her home, I felt excited, and so warm inside. The rain, I did not even notice it anymore.

He felt that same warmth again in his chest, again this heart pounding excitement. With a pleased smile, he slowly turned, and continued his dreamy stride. As he drew closer to the end of the park, he could hear the busy honking and noise of the street. Even though the garden was dead, business life was just waking up. Everybody rushing to their routine. For him, this was past. For a moment he thought how it would be if one of the angry drivers would accidently hit him. Quickly, he discarded that horrible thought, and shook his head. What a silly thought. He crossed the street when he had the opportunity, earning angry glares from the drivers who have to stop at the red light, others did not notice him because they were impatiently gazing at their watch. Once, he had been similar to them. Actually, it is not so long ago.

Then he entered the shopping alley. It was a wide pedestrian street, but barely anyone was there. The first shops were pulling up the curtains, unlocking their doors and putting signs up.

We had been together for eight months then. I was walking here during my lunch pause, looking at the various shops, even though it barely interested me. I mostly don't care for the trivial things they sell. Clothes, accessories, furniture, games, and whatever, it doesn't capture me, and I can't understand how others can. Anyway, I was walking there, and as I walked past the jewelry store, I noticed that ring Alexya showed me some weeks ago. I didn't really understand it, but she really praised that trinket. It was a silver ring, with a small sapphire on it. I imagined myself buying it for her, when we would get married. If only the shop was open now, I would buy it right now. Oh well...

He smiled when he imagined the scene. He really did not look like someone who would buy such a ring easily. He was wearing some old jeans, a worn leather jacket, and a sleeveless, white shirt under it. A stronger breeze ran against him, grabbing his hair and attempting to pull them away. He put his hands in front of his mouth, and breathed a white cloud of warm air into them. He qickened his pace, and continued home. Alexya would probably be up by now. She always got up early.
He pushed the door of the big apartment building open, and got into the lobby. Without losing any time, he headed for the elevator. It was on the seventh floor right now, so he leaned against the wall, and waited until the door would open.

And this is the last time I'm gonna go here. I can't wait to hear what she will say about the house, it looks awesome just by seeing the pictures. I really wonder who that relative is... I'm not even told if he's an uncle or something. Just... someone who died, and for some reason left everything to me. Strange, but I don't care. It's great for us. She is also happy about it, but I can tell that she worries a lot. She found it odd that someone mysteriously dies, and that I inherit all his possessions, but she always worries a lot. She's a good soul, she only wants the best.

The sound of the door opening interrupted his train of thought. A lady walked out of the elevator. She looked very elegant, wearing a night black gown, but surprisingly, no earrings, necklaces or other ornaments. Her golden hair cascaded down her back, shining in strong contrast to her black clothing. She looked sad. In fact, she was wiping her eyes from tears. Nathan looked after her wondrously, and she only gave him a short, shy look before quickly walking away towards the exit. He shrugged, entered the elevator, and pushed 18.

While the elevator was moving up, he was tapping his foot impatiently. Was she really awake already? He glanced at his watch. It was very old, he got it for his sixteenth birthday. But it was still functional, now, fifteen years later. It was half past seven in the morning. Then he was sure she would be awake, because she always woke him up around this time when he was trying to finally find sleep on weekends.
The elevator reached the eighteenth floor, and the door opens. He walked into the empty corridor, and knowing by heart which door carried number six without even looking. He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket, and unlocked the door. "Hello? Are you up yet, sweety?" he yelled while walking in. He closed the door behind him, and walked into the bedroom first, which was the first door to the right. It was empty, the bed was neatly made. Did she leave? He left the bedroom again, and instead, headed for the living room. Outside of the window, the skies were covered in black clouds still, separating the world from the sun. But... something was wrong. What were those stains on the window? He looked around, and spotted her mutilated cadaver. He screamed, and fell behind, holding himself on the wall not to fall over. "Oh god..." His face became white like a sheet, and tears started forming in his eyes. He stared at her remains for a few minutes, before tripping over to her, and collapsing next to her. He began touching her hand, her face, and thought he was having a nightmare. Black feathers were on her lap. He took one, and looked at it, with pure horror in his eyes. Then, he began feeling sick, and he had to turn away. On hands and knees, he crawled towards the window, and pulled himself up. He looked out of the window and the feather in turns, fiddling with it. No, this simply couldn't be. Turning around again, he despaired when seeing that she was still dead like before. But then he looked at the wall she was leaning to. Above her, written in her own blood was a word.
"Guilty".

Gruß Dich!

Chapter II: Guilty

The first rays of light were [s]only but[/s] beginning to break through the dark [s]of night[/s], and the cold morning air covered the city in a dense fog. The rain [s]had stopped[/s]had ceased, but water [s]was[/s] still dripp[s]ing[/s]ed [s]down[/s] on Nathan from the [s]few leaves left on the[/s] trees. He was the only one stillleft[/color] in the park[s] at this hour[/s], [s]walking in a slow pace[/s]slowly ambling and[s],[/s] daydreaming. [s]A light breeze came up, stroking him and tearing off more leaves from the trees.[/s] During summer The park[s], at summer,[/s] was a busy place, but now it looked abandoned[s],[/s] and ghostly. sorry but the whole 'stroking him' think sounded too sexual.. hehe. And, if the character is younger than 25, living in our time and place, that name ist spitze!!

Nathan stopped, standing [s]in the middle of an open, circular area with[/s] next to an old fountain[s] in the middle. A statue[/s] in the shape of a cute, chubby little angel pouring water out of a chalice. That last sentence was not a full sentence the way you wrote it. Remember that every sentence must contain a subject and a predicate.

He stared at the fountain, barely moving, his hands in his pockets. [s]Unaware of it,[/s] his hands weresubconsienously fiddling with the tickets for the train. His ticket to a new life[s]... and hers.[/s] That doesn't make sense. What you were saying in that last sentence was that the ticket was "a ticket to hers". I'm not sure if you mean a ticket to her heart or to her new life or what.

Here there is a sudden change in point of view. You changed from third person to first person. Are you Nathan? I'm confused.

REWRITE WHOLE THING I hurried through the rain, rushing through the park. A few other people were there too, but they were also running about, trying to find any shelter from the merciless rain. Hell, I cursed a lot, I hate getting wet. And then I got to this place... right here, by the fountain. She just dropped her handbag, scattering all her belongings on the ground. She was beautiful. I just couldn't help, but ignore the rain and go to her. I was already wet like a fish anyway. I kneeled down and just helped her grab up her stuff. She looked up at me, and smiled while thanking me. Such an innocent smile, I could not remember when someone enchanted me in such a way. Yes, she was special. I cannot say what exactly it was. Maybe that flowing, dark red hair, that smile, her tender voice or maybe just her eyes. But I was gone. We got up again, and she was about to say goodbye. I... I just couldn't let her go like that. She was shivering because she did not have any jacket, and so, I just put mine off, and offered it to her. Again she blessed me with that heavenly smile of hers. I think I must have looked somewhat stupid. Someone like her surely would not be single, and I'm not exactly what you would have called a gentleman. And the way I acted, god, it must have been so obvious. But she accepted, and invited me to stay at her's until the rain was over. She told me she was living just a block away from the garden. On the way to her home, I felt excited, and so warm inside. The rain, I did not even notice it anymore. you need to rewrite this whole part into third person, because you can't just switch point of view like that, its a major turn off to your reader. And earlier you said that there was nobody in the park, and now there are people. WTF?

[s]He felt that same warmth again in his chest, again this heart pounding excitement. [/s]With a pleased smile, he slowly turned[s],[/s] and continued his dreamy stride. As he drew closer to the end of the park, he could hear the busy honking and noise of the street. Even though the garden was dead, business life was just waking up. Everybody rushing to their routine. For him, this was past. For a moment he thought how it would be if one of the angry drivers would accidently hit him. [s]Quickly, [/s]he discarded that horrible thought[s],[/s] and shook his head. don't ever start a sentence with a adverb. [s]What a silly thought.[/s] He crossed the street when he had the opportunity, earning angry glares from the drivers who [s]have[s] had to stop at the red light, while others did not notice him because they were impatiently gazing at their watches. Once[s],[/s] he had been similar to them. [s]Actually, it is not so long ago.[/s]

Then he entered the shopping alley. It was a wide pedestrian street, but barely anyone was there. The first shops were pulling up the curtains, unlocking their doors and [s]putting signs up[/s] turning the closed signs to 'open'.

We had been together for eight months then. I was walking here during my lunch pause, looking at the various shops, even though it barely interested me. I mostly don't care for the trivial things they sell. Clothes, accessories, furniture, games, and whatever, it doesn't capture me, and I can't understand how others can. Anyway, I was walking there, and as I walked past the jewelry store, I noticed that ring Alexya showed me some weeks ago. I didn't really understand it, but she really praised that trinket. It was a silver ring, with a small sapphire on it. I imagined myself buying it for her, when we would get married. If only the shop was open now, I would buy it right now. Oh well... I think I understand what you are trying to do. You keep on switching time and stuff, but I don't like it. It's too confusing.

I'm too lazy to grade the rest of this. I need to do my homework. But I would recommend putting the 'reflection' scenes in italics and putting them in third person. Also, watch you 'hads' and overuse of commas.

It actually sounds pretty cool. Sorry I'm a lazy bum who doesn't have the time to read your story. I like what you are doing with the reflections, but not the way you are doing it. Just consider what I said. It'll prolly make your story better.
wiedersehen )
Lena

The first rays of light were only but beginning to break through the dark of night, and the cold morning air covered the city in a dense fog.

This could be better broken up into two sentences, so as to have more impact. It would also be better if you changed the bolded bit. Perhaps to “just”.

The rain had stopped, but water was still dripping down on Nathan from the few leaves left on the trees.

This is rather clunky wording. Perhaps make it something like, The rain had stopped, but water still dripped from the few leaves left on the trees. The fact that Nathan is there somewhat bogs down the detail about the leaves and rain.

A light breeze came up, stroking him and tearing off more leaves from the trees.

Your verbs are at odds with each other here. Be more consistent.

The park, at summer, was a busy place, but now it looked abandoned, ghostly.

Too many commas. Reword to, In summer the park was a busy place, but now it looked abandoned, ghostly. Actually, I think you should either put an and between “abandoned” and “ghostly” or make it into two sentences.

Nathan stopped, standing in the middle of an open, circular area with an old fountain in the middle.

You haven’t given us any detail about the park, other than it has trees (duh) and it’s cold (who’d a thunk it?). Try and describe it more, and Nathan’s actions. I assume that he had to be walking before, to be able to get to this fountain. So describe the scenery as he walks, paint the scene, and then this sudden fountain springing up out of nowhere won’t come as such a surprise.

A statue of a cute, chubby little angel pouring water out of a chalice.

Word calls this a fragment and for once I agree with it. It’s too abrupt. After a second’s thought, it’s Duh, it’s the fountain, but at first impression, it’s not crystal clear what it is that you’re describing.

He stared at the fountain, barely moving, his hands in his pockets. Unaware of it, his hands were fiddling with the tickets for the train.

If he’s barely moving, how come his hands are fiddling in his pockets? Perhaps to outward appearances, yes, but it still seems contradictory. I’d take out the bolded part.

His ticket to a new life... and hers.

This seems a bit clichéd. Blasé. I’d take it out.

I hurried through the rain, rushing through the park.

Either have on action or the other, but they’re too close together and don’t flow quite right.

Hell, I cursed a lot, I hate getting wet.

Uh, que? Reword so that it makes more sense. Hell, I cursed. I hated getting wet.

And then I got to this place... right here, by the fountain. She just dropped her handbag, scattering all her belongings on the ground.

Way too sudden. You’re skipping the focus too quickly. Have him actually notice the woman, notice that she’s beautiful before she randomly drops her bag and all.

I just couldn't help, but ignore the rain and go to her.

Take out the comma and reword: I couldn’t help but ignore the rain and go to her.

I was already wet like a fish anyway.

This simile doesn’t really work here. It’s too obvious. Take it out.

I kneeled down and just helped her grab up her stuff.

“Kneeled” should be “knelt”. I think you should reword here. You use the word “just” too much. Reword to something like, I knelt down and helped her pick up her belongings. Why not describe her belongings? What is it that he’s picking up? Makeup? Diary? Book?

Such an innocent smile, I could not remember when someone enchanted me in such a way.

This is kind of bland. It’s been done before. Writing romance is like writing fantasy. It’s all been done before by a million different people in a million different ways.

But I was gone.

Uh? Gone where? If you mean “gone” as in “head over heels infatuated with this girl that he’s just met” than try to be clearer.

I... I just couldn't let her go like that.

Nix the ellipsis. It’s not very realistic.

She was shivering because she did not have any jacket, and so, I just put mine off, and offered it to her.

Reword. Perhaps to something like, She was shivering. She only wore a thin short sleeved shirt, so I took my jacket off and offered it to her. After all, if he’s inlurve with her, wouldn’t he notice everything (EVERYTHING) about her?

Again she blessed me with that heavenly smile of hers.

Reword to something like, She blessed me again with her heavenly smile. Nice choice of verb – “blessed”.

accepted, and invited me to stay at her's until the rain was over.

She accepted what?

Her’s = hers.

And… excuse me? She’s just met this guy and just because he picked up her things and offered her his jacket, she’ll willing to let him come home with her? How does she know that he isn’t going to rob her or rape her or murder her?

On the way to her home, I felt excited, and so warm inside. The rain, I did not even notice it anymore.

The first sentence is bland and boring, and because you’ve got the second sentence, you don’t need the first one. The second one is great. Remove the first sentence and add in some more detail. Do they walk side by side on the way to her house? How does she look? Shy? Excited? Make it something like, The streets were slippery with rain as we walked to her house. Her head only came up to my shoulder, and if I looked at her sideways from the corner of my eye, I could see the way that the rain misted on her hair, like miniature diamonds on dark red silk. She darted shy glances up at me as we walked, and once she smiled at me again. I didn’t even notice the rain anymore. Something like that, it just creates a better picture of the scene, sa?

He felt that same warmth again in his chest, again this heart pounding excitement.

Reword, He felt that same warmth again in his chest.

With a pleased smile, he slowly turned, and continued his dreamy stride.

“A dreamy stride” is an oxymoron thing. A stride is powerful. Dreamy is not.

Actually, it is not so long ago.

Take out the bolded bit.

Anyway, I was walking there, and as I walked past the jewelry store, I noticed that ring Alexya showed me some weeks ago.

Jewelry = jewellery.

A stronger breeze ran against him, grabbing his hair and attempting to pull them away.

“Hair” is plural.

He qickened his pace, and continued home.

Spelling. “Qickened” = quickened.

I really wonder who that relative is... I'm not even told if he's an uncle or something. Just... someone who died, and for some reason left everything to me. Strange, but I don't care. It's great for us. She is also happy about it, but I can tell that she worries a lot. She found it odd that someone mysteriously dies, and that I inherit all his possessions, but she always worries a lot. She's a good soul, she only wants the best.

Cliché!

A lady walked out of the elevator. She looked very elegant, wearing a night black gown, but surprisingly, no earrings, necklaces or other ornaments. Her golden hair cascaded down her back, shining in strong contrast to her black clothing. She looked sad. In fact, she was wiping her eyes from tears. Nathan looked after her wondrously, and she only gave him a short, shy look before quickly walking away towards the exit. He shrugged, entered the elevator, and pushed 18.

May I repeat myself? How unlikely is it that a mysterious and beautiful woman simply waltzes out of an elevator in an apartment building? In a black gown?

He glanced at his watch. It was very old, he got it for his sixteenth birthday. But it was still functional, now, fifteen years later.

Do we need to know this? You can slip in Nathan’s age in some other way.

He looked around, and spotted her mutilated cadaver.

Way to go for ruining the drama. Add in more description.

Above her, written in her own blood was a word.

"Guilty".

Too melodramatic. You could get away with it in the 1800s when it was new, but not now. Why not have it written in black felt tip? And how does he know that it’s in her blood? Why not a red felt tip pen?


---

I know all that sounded kind of harsh, but the only way you can get better is to have poeple tell you how much you suck. Not that you do suck, of course. ^_^
Most of the things I pointed out are technique-related. If you read it out loud, or at least quietly, then it can help you find out when a sentence needs smoothing out. You also use the word just too much. It's not neccesary.

Plot-wise, this does need changing. Mysterious relative dies mysteriously and mysteriously leaves Nathan all his stuff, and then a mysterious woman mysertiously emerges from the elevator and mysteriously leaves just before Nathan discovers that his fiancee has been mysteriously murdered under mysterious circumstances. Can you see the pattern? It's too obvious.

The third person/first person present/past thing worked fine for me, though, and the changes there were perfectly fine.

Work on a more subtle approach and smooth out the wrinkles in your technique and keep writing! PM me if you have any questions.