Hold Me!

This is something I wrote a long time ago::



I love the you take me
into your arms
And whisper that everything
will be fine
Even though I know you're
lyin'
It takes away my pain if
just for a few seconds
And makes me forget how
much you hurt me in the past
I really want us to last
But I'm so sick of cryin'
myself to sleep
Knowing that you're not
going to keep your promise
To love me only
And I wonder how much
longer you will hold me.

This is banal in the worst possible way. I can't keep saying this to every poem on this website but people need to stop talking about their old boyfriends and their "pain". Everyone has it, every teen whines about it. It's called angst and the last people to portray it with any decency was Radiohead. Unless you believe you can top Radiohead's angst/art then don't attempt it. Everyone has these feelings.

And it is in bad taste if you use CAPS for everything.

Remember the words of the late George Carlin.
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name."

PM me if you have any questions

I always hate to critique a piece after errtu2 is done with it because of how well s/he plumbs through the poem's fallacies, but here I am, so let's start.

tay_star92 wrote:THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE A LONG TIME AGO::

Thank you for warning us of that before I begin.

I love the you take me
into your arms
And whisper that everything
will be fine
Even though I know you're
lyin'

Why is "lying" spelled without the "g"? Is is because you want to sound folksy, country, etc? If so, then that makes absolutely no sense because the rest of your poem (apart from "cryin'") is read in ordinary English.

Technical issues aside, this is trite and I've heard this thousands of times before. "Take me into your arms" is so cliched that I would expect this from...well, I wouldn't expect it from anybody considering that it is a stock phrase used more for satire than actual poetry. You haven't seem to have gotten the message, so please understand that syrupy sweet statements like this and 90% of others you've made on this poem are nothing more than cheap metaphors for the concept of love, something that teenagers manage to mangle time and again.

It takes away my pain if
just for a few seconds
And makes me forget how
much you hurt me in the past
I really want us to last

...Why? Make up your mind; is he the manna from heaven or a demonic abuser whom you want to escape? You can't choose both and stay secure in your indecision because then this poem is a futile use of time as it comes to no conclusion.

But I'm so sick of cryin'
myself to sleep
Knowing that you're not
going to keep your promise
To love me only
And I wonder how much
longer you will hold me.

Mindless repetition. I just don't get why this kind of writer always has a superficial repetitive phrase at the end of every poem, almost as if it's a requirement. Do it when it makes sense and adds something to the piece, not just for flair itself.

I would suggest either re-doing every single line of the poem or scrapping the poem completely. It's not really worth saving, and if you practice with originality and lyrical value while reading up on esteemed poets and authors, you can get much better than this.

Hello and welcome to YWS! As you can probably see, we have some really harsh critiquers, but not all of us are that way, so don't panic yet. It's going to be okay.

So let's talk about your poem! It seems more like Lyrics than Lyric Poetry, so I'm tempted to move it there, since I am a moderator and I can move things. But I won't... yet. Tell me if you want me to, and I'll do it in a jiffy!

But I say this because I was working on some lyrics today (it was a song called "Laplace Don't Rhyme With Ass") but when I was writing it with immaculate grammar, it just didn't have the right feeling, so I took out g's and all that other good stuff. That sort of thing is needed for lyrics, but in poetry, it just doesn't fly. So just keep that in mind. Lyrics are more flexible than poetry because it relies on the singer as much or more than the lyrics.

I love the you take me <-- LOL! You do what I do all the time. You missed a word. It should be "I love the way you take me". Nothing big, of course.

I'll add more to this critique later... I often videotape myself reading poetry, so I want to read this poem to you the way that I see it, and hopefully that reading will help. Right now, it seems a little jerky, as far as line breaks go, so I just want you to see it. I'll post the link soon.

I'll be back soon!

Er... yeah! I'm back. I did the video, so hopefully that will help a lot. Basically, I read the poem and then commented a little bit about it... but not much! So yeah, it should be helpful! If you can't see it for some reason, then just PM me and I'll see what I can do.

The video: http://revver.com/video/1327721/affilia ... f-hold-me/

And remember! If you need any help, I'm a PM away.

I know this is a bit late but I just came across this and read errtu's comments. And I'm sorry if I'm sidetracking a little, but, frankly, I'm appalled. Not by the poem-the poem was wonderful, like most poems. Yes, it has a similar theme to many poems in these forums. But for goodness sake-this is a young writers society, and there are going to be many teenagers who experience "love pains". At our (people in their mid-/late-teens) age, as I'm sure you can remember (if you are not still in the same state), angst and similar feelings are amongst the most profound emotions that we experience-mainly because such feelings are new or much much more intense. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that most poems written by the young writers society, which consists mostly of teenagers, should be about "love" and "broken hearts", and so on. Yes, everyone has these feelings, but everyone is also entitled to express those feelings-and some people are most comfortable expressing themselves through poetry, myself included. So if you're really so fed up with teenage love poems (or angst poems, or lust poems, or whatever you think of them as) find a website populated by an older audience.

Sorry for ranting, I just get really angry when people try to stop people from experiencing life. Big deal if we're nieve, or if we blow everything out of proportion, or if we're going to get hurt (or "angsty"), it's an important stage in our lives and you're not helping by saying that these feelings are meaningless and that "everyone feels them".

Again, I apologise. I've been becoming much more critical of critics than poets recently. Perhaps I should bring myself back on topic, to make at least half of this post relevant. From this point onwards, everything I say is directed towards the poet.

Firstly, and I'm surprised this wasn't mentioned already by the two most (over)critical critics here because it's the only really big mistake in this poem, you seem to have missed a word out in the first line. I'm guessing it should say "I love the way you take me ", but instead it just says "I love the you take me".

And actually there's not much else to criticise. The capitals at the beginning of the sentences are a bit odd-you should go over them, correct them, make them all capitals or lower case, create a clear pattern, or something.

Also, it is true that a huge number of poems on this website are teenage love/angst poems, so it's hard to consider this to be exceptional in comparison. But that doesn't make it a bad poem-it's good, it's sincere, it's an accurate depiction of the mid-/late-teenage state of mind.

Don't let these overcritical bullies get you down. One's just fed up with the frequency at which these sorts of poems appear, the other...well, I don't know, but I seem to disagree with him on virtually everything. You should put both of their comments into serious consideration, of course, but remember that it is ultimately your poem, and there are people who like your poem, so you're under no obligation to accept my overunconstructive and overcritical friend's outrageous suggestion of scrapping this poem.

And if you do as this particular critic suggests by "reading up on esteemed poets and authors" (assuming you haven't already), make sure you read a wide variety of poetry. Many authors, sometimes even entire anthologies, focus on a certain style or theme, which isn't good for originality.

Finally, I'd just like to say that I really liked this poem and I can relate to it a lot. Keep up the good work, and remember that if a review makes you feel really bad, it's probably because the critic is exaggerating, has had a bad day, is biased, or for any number of silly reasons.
Oh, and one last thing, sorry if I've appeared at all antagonistic in this post. Believe me, I restrained myself many times while writing this, because I really don't understand why people are constantly being so overcritical that they just destroy people's self esteem. It's not at all constructive, and one of the main aims of the Young Writers Society is for people to share their work and have others give constructive criticism so that they can improve their work. Nobody is going to improve their work if people just bombard them with offensive comments and give barely any positive feedback.

Rant over.