There once was a mailman named Mr. Freddy. He would deliver mail to people because he was a mailman. One day he went to my house and delivered my mail. I read the mail he gave me. Then I threw it at his face. He got a papercut in his eye...I mean, both of his eyes. Mr. Freddy went blind. To be continuted....DUN DUN DUN!
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Hello! I am going to assume that this is a non-serious piece of writing--forgive me if I am wrong!
To make this shine, you need to make this more bizarre. And that advice might seem a little weird at first, but I assure you it's true. Humor is essentially things exaggerated to the point where nothing makes sense, yet because it doesn't make any sense, it makes it so much more human. So expand on it and give it quirkiness. And then it'll have a chance to become a cult hit.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
I agree with snoink! At the moment as this stands it really isn´t anything. But just because you were bored and didn´t feel like you put anything into it dosen´t mean that It cannot become something, right?
Forgive me to start with if I don´t use the correct grammer here as I am In Spain and the keyboard is allllll over the place! (I just didn´t want you to think I was crazy )
Like snoink said you could make this much more bizarre and could make it really humorous, it would add a lot of character to the piece and I think that a lot of people would really enjoy it.
Hey there, Section 8 (question, name = Artemis Fowl reference or just random coincidence?) Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella or variations thereupon.
lol, yes, I agree with Snoink and Meevs... don't quite think you want a critique for it, do you?
I'm just intrigued as to how one gets a papercut in both eyes? Does it like, bounce off one eye and into the other or something?
Yes, well, *puts on snooty voice* the humour was lacking, as was the storyline. The characters had very little depth and the ending was feeble.
*back to normal*...
Glad you're having fun with your writing anyway -after all, isn't that what YWS is all about!
Hoping you stick around,
-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
