Death of a hero 2

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Now seriosly... 400 pages? and still writing at it? You wanna marry me? ... Post the darn chapters faster. I don't want to die in a sea of drools.




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Yes still writing at it. And no i will not marry you... i`m still 17 :) and i dont even know you.. so badluck
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

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You had better post all the chapters! You cant do that to us!!! :wink:
Wow! It left me with my mouth open(something I don't do very often)
If you get it published, I will definately buy it!!!
Anyway, just a few comments.

He woke up but didn’t open his eyes, not daring to leave that pleasant numbness that was left in his body by the not-yet-finished sleep.

It should probably be, "He awoke, but didn't open his eyes, not daring to leave the pleasant numbness that was left in his body..."


He stood there, lying on the cold floor asking himself foolish questions for hours.

This sentence contradicts itself. "Stood" means to stand up, but "lying" means to lie down. I would cut the "stood" and say "He lay on the cold floor, asking himself foolish questions for hours."

A mirror stood in front of him and a man was watching back at him, blinking, moving with him in the same way at the same time. He smiled at his handsome face and touched the delicate surface of the mirror softly following the shape of his face.

This sentence sort of confused me. Is the man watching him his reflection? Oh, yeah. I guess it is. Nevermind. In the first sentence, I would cut on of the "him"s. I might say, "A mirror stood in front of Ilith and a man was watching back at him, blinking, moving with..." I'm not really sure.
There should be a comma between "mirror" and "softly."

He was so mystified of his appearance. He made a step and gazed into his black?... grey eyes.

"He was so mystified by his appearance. He took a step and gazed into his black?...grey eyes."


His hand reached to take “something” from his waist but only grasped air. He clinched his fits waiting, watching at the young man that stood tall, gazing at him amusingly.

Why is "something" in quotations. I don't think you need them. Because there are two boys in this particular scene, you need to tell us who is doing what. Replace a few of the "he"s with names.
It should be "He clenched his fists, waiting, watching [b]the young man that stood..."

He searched hopeless into his mind and his memories came back.

"hopelessly"

All at once like a mad sheep herd leaving Ilith a little confused.

I don't get this sentence.

I thought I`ll never see you again, Fur ball

"...I'd never..."

You`ve never asked yourself what “Avargorn” means?

"You never asked...."

Something dashed Ilith to the ground and screamed when an agonizing pain cut trough his head like a heated blade.

OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!! Scary!!!

I can't wait to read the third part and your prologue.

-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

*Ribbit*




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So the hero revives, nicely done. I like the setting for this part of the book, let me guess it's of between this life and the next. I don't really get the demon reference but this is just the start of the book, so plot questions are expected.

Why is Ilith the hero? Who's the Demon? Why was he marked? I suggest you make references to some of the stuff that's already happened when his memory comes back. This story has a lot of potential but you need to work on the overall flow, it's better then the first part, the sentences aren't as stilted and they fit together more. But you should still work on the flow, it's one of the key elements that makes a story believable.

All in all, I think that this could make a pretty interesting story, it just needs some work. PM me once you post the next part.
DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

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Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan