Beep.

I just wrote this while I was procrastinating on editing my novel. I tried to make it look like it had a certain symmetry with lines and stuff, but if it looks stupid let me know. A short piece, but I kinda like it. Anyway, enjoy! Cheers, MademoiselleKool

Beep.
Beep..
Beep…

The loneliest sound in the world.

Beep….
Beep…..
Beep……

It’ll drive me crazy any second here, I just know it will. I’ll just snap.

Beep…….
Beep……..
Beep………

Even though it’s a quiet sound, each time it occurs it’s like a sledgehammer driving a very large stake through my scull.

Beep……….
Beep………..
Beep…………

I wish it would never come back, yet I wait with bated breath for each new ‘beep.’ Beep equals life, I kept reminding myself. That’s what they always said, anyway. Beep equals life. Yeah, right. Beep equals a pitiful half-life that I, by all rights, shouldn’t even be living. Beep equals life.

Beep………….
Beep…………..
Beep……………

“As long as you hear that beeping, you’re okay.” I remember the hearty voice of that annoying doctor - stupid know-it-all. Never work with people like me unless you’re missing at least one limb, that’s my doctor-policy. This guy was all arms and legs and broad shoulders, tan skin, broad grin. He thought it was funny, that something like a little ‘beep’ would mean life.

Beep…………….
Beep……………..
Beep………………

Not funny to me, buster. Not funny at all. Do you see a grin on my face right now? I could almost reach out with my remaining fist and pound that smile right off your know-it-all face, doc. You should just be glad I’m avoiding enmity with higher beings right now. Namely God. You said that like it was a joke - “just listen for the beep, son. You’ll be fine.” Ha. Fine. Now that almost made me smile. You’re making progress, doc. Almost funny, that. “You’ll be fine.”

Beep…………………
Beep………………….
Beep…………………..

Yep, you said it like a joke, but now it resounds through my head. I know I won’t last the hour. I’m straining for each ‘beep,’ wanting it to happen, wanting it never to happen again. I watch the seconds on the clock, and I know the ‘beeps’ are getting further and further apart. I’m counting them, now. Before this terrible… thing… happened, this… accident - I would have laughed at the idea of a simple, repetitive sound taking up my every waking thought. Now all my interest is tied intently up in that little noise. It’s slowing even more, now. Seconds and seconds pass between each one.

Beep…………………………
Beep………………………….
Beep…………………………..

Ha. I can feel a strange feeling come over me - a dramatic speech coming on. Nobody to give it to, though. I’m here all alone, my queer body and my queer mind and my ‘beeps’ for company. I wonder why people always feel compelled to do that whole dramatic speech thing at their deaths? It seems like they’d be paying more attention to their eternal damnation or whatever than what their living companions will think of them. I mean, they’ll be dead, after all… WAIT. There’s only silence. No beeps. What’s the problem? I’m frantic, but I can’t move. I’m heavy. I can’t move. Come on, I think. Life was so hard, it owes me one more. One more beep. Come on. Count the beeps. Beep equals life.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Interesting. Ironic how the MC hates them at first, then is waiting for another one, is begging for another one to come along. I really liked it. The reader can connect really well, even if they haven't had a near-death experience, because of the loathing of something one minute, then the begging for the same thing the next.

I didn't find any grammar mistakes, which is great. It shows that you've taken the time to reread your short story before posting it.

But I don't think it looks stupid, I just woulndn't have realized it without you pointing it out.

Anyways, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Ohh, I liked this! It was different!

It took me a minute at first to get that the beeps were the beeps of the whatchamacallit machine, but once I read the first few lines everything was cleared up.

I liked that the beeps meant that the MC still had life, but really they were his/her whole life, just listening for those beeps. Kind of ironic, eh?

Anyway, good job! Keep writing!

-Shannon

Wow... that was an amazing story. I loved it. The emotion you put into it was incredible. I could definitely feel the MC's annoyance, and turmoil, and hope, and desperation. It kept me captivated to the very last beep.

I also like the way you made the ... longer after every beep to show the time passing, but I didn't understand one thing: Why did you bold the last dot or two on some of the lines? It may just be me being a little slow, but I didn't really get that.

I only found one mistake:

Before this terrible… thing… happened, this… accident - I would have laughed at the idea of a simple, repetitive sound taking up my every waking thought.

I'm pretty sure the hyphen should be a comma. But other than that, I think the grammar was perfect.

All in all, fantastic job!

Fun idea! ^____^

At the moment, I think this is a little too gimmicky. First of all, I would get rid of the periods after beep. I see what you're doing, but it looks awfully sloppy, and you want to rely on solid writing. Next, I would keep only the first three beeps, with only one period after each beep. That is because every time the beeps get repeated, it makes it more hokey. Most of us (or at least your audience) knows what this sound is and by the first three times, if they don't know, they're silly and should probably not read your story.

If you decide to keep all the beeps, I would at least get rid of the last beep. It's rather cheesy. I mean... I am not sure how you can end it, but you can end it in a way that is better and easier.

Also, I would be interested in how the narrator came into the ER. So it wouldn't just be about him ranting about the doctor, which is slightly angsty, but of him lamenting over his condition and thinking about he could have avoided it.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Still, fun idea. ^^

Thanks so much for your great critiques!

Snoink~ You expressed the deepest fear of my inner heart, haha. I was so worried they would be cheesy on paper. The thing is, I was hearing the whole thing in my head, and the last 'beep' would be a flatline, but it had such a different effect on paper. You have confirmed my suspicions of cheesiness, thank you. I'll play around with the format and stuff, see if I can make it any better.

ImaginativeInsanity ~ The bold dots are just because of some fluke of my Word program, not on purpose at all. *shrugs* There wasn't any deeper meaning there.

Everyone else ~ Thanks! Glad you enjoyed.

Have good lives!

Au revoir,
MademoiselleKool

wow that was such a powerful story,

Initially I thought it was something innocent like the beeping of a watch or alarm of some kind, until i realised it was something more serious. The repitition was powerful, and its true that you never realise what something so small means, except on life support. I loved the way you mixed the sadistic sarcastic humour with the serious of the story.

lol about the different dots on the periods, it almost sounds like the variation in beeps, you know when your in those ER rooms, and the life support would hav that graph thing, and it sometimes goes beep, beep beep (fast), and then beep (slow). music i hard to express in words......

~Flora