Delihla Bee-

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“Delihla Bee, get your thieving little butt down here this minute!” my mother screamed from the kitchen, mindless of the neighbors.

“Coming mother,” I shouted back tiredly.
God, why must she call me in that shrill voice that makes my ears ring? And what could she be bitching about now? There was noooo way Mrs. Coulret told her of the necklace. It wasn’t even hers to begin with! Slowly I trudged down the stair way, thinking ways for making up two lies, one to stick with, the other to tell my father incase it went down hill.

“What do you think you were doing, thieving that old man of his chest! Do you know how much it costs?” she yelled, then sighed and covered her old wrinkled eyes with her old wrinkled hand. “You just, god I can’t believe you, how long do you plan on staying here, every one knows your story, will you ever change?” And with one last resigned sigh she slowly walked up to her room. Her pink calf length skirt, which was hugging her womanly hips, swayed as she sauntered down threw the unlit hallway her hand still cupping her brow. God, she really knew how to lay it on me, she knew the things to say that would keep me from sleep and run through my head over and over and over.

I slowly trudged back up to my room and as I walked through the hallway I could here a muffled crying coming from my mothers room. Why did she have to fucking care, why? I have been here longer than any one else, they shouldn’t feel for me, they should try to relate. Because sooner or later they would be reborn and this would all be a nightmare. A déjà they would dismiss and then promptly continue on with their lives. I was not leaving, my nightmares were real. They were my past,present and future, I would never leave.

After hours of sitting up against my bed post thinking of my earlier conversation with dear old mum my eye lids finally started to flutter closed. And with that I lay down and fell into an uncomfortable sleep filled with my own personal demons.

God, it was morning, the bright sun light shone threw my slightly cracked green window shades. I hardly slept and what little sleep I did get was everything but peaceful. I’m not sure if I even want to go to school, I mean why go, I rarely did and it’s not like it will be information I’ll be using out side or that torture chamber any ways. And this bed was sooo warm and sooo soft, maybe I should just go back to sleep and hope mother didn’t come pounding on my door. The sweet numbness that filled my every bone, relaxed, warm and completly stress free. My bed wouldn't order my to write sentencas or sit up straight. I think my bed is my best freind, I could never leave a friend. Nope, no school for me today!
Last edited by lulu_lizzrd on Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?




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Ha ha. Good point there with the soft and warm bed! Its a very nice little story. It gives me that feeling that you wrote it when you were half-asleep and dreaming at the bed that was waiting in your room.
Little things to point out.
1) I start with the ending. Describe the feeling of the not yet finished sleep, that sweet numbness in your bones when you wake up.
2) You talked about nightmares and about your sleep filled with your own demons. I would suggest you make a slight link with those two.

The other parts I think they are fine... Hmm... anyway waiting for the Part 3 of the story.
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

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Hmm, this doesn't make a connection with the first part of the story. Oh well, it was written well. :)

Nit-picks,

God, why must she call me in that shrill voice that made my ears ring!?

There shouldn't be two punctuation marks at the end. Put only the question mark.

And what could she be bitching about now, there was noooo way Mrs. Coulret told her of the necklace, it wasn’t even hers to begin with!

Make this three sentences. I mean like "And what could she be *&^&$*&# about now? There was no way that Mrs. Coulret had told her about the necklace. It wasn't even her's to begin with."

Slowly I trudged down the stair ways thinking up a two lies,

This should be "Slowly, I trudged down the the stair way, thinking ways for making up two lies"

Do you know how much it cost?” she sighed and covered her old wrinkled eyes with her old wrinkled hand.

'costs' and I don't think she would 'sigh' that. More likely, she'll be yelling her head off.

Her pink calf length skirt hugging her womanly hips swayed as she sauntered down threw the unlit hallway her hand still cupping her brow.

This should be, "Her pink calf length skirt, which was hugging her womanly hips, swayed as she sauntered down through the unlit hallway, her hand still cupping her brow.

God, she really knew how to lay it on me, she knew the things to say that would keep me from sleep and run threw my head over and over and over.

"run through my head over and over and over again."

I slowly trudged back up to my room and as I walked threw the hallway I could here a muffled crying coming from my mothers room, why did she have to fucking care, why?

'through' and make this two sentences.

Because sooner or later they would be reborn and this would all be a night mare [s]in the middle of the night.[/s]

'Nightmare' is a one word. And you don't need the last bit, as it is obvious.

I was not leaving, my night mares were real, they were my past, my now, and my future, I would never leave.

Firstly, 'nightmares' is a one word. Secondly, make this two sentences. Thirdly, it should be "they were my past, present and future.

After hours of sitting up against my bed post thinking of my earlier conversation with dear old mum my eye lids finally started to flutter closed and with that I lay down and fell into an uncomfortable sleep filled with my own personal demons.

I can't believe that this a single sentence. It should be, "After hours of sitting up against my bedpost, thinking of my earlier conversation with my dear old mother, my eye lids finally started to flutter and closed. And with that, I layed down and fell into an uncomfortable sleep filled with my own personal demons."

Overall,

Well, I have nothing to say about the story it self, but I have to say that I noticed you trying to put alot of information into a single sentence. That makes it very difficult for the reader to depic the meaning on the story. Well, that's all. Fix your mistakes.

Good luck. :wink:
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
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“Coming mother,” I [s]tiredly [/s]shouted back tiredly.


Its better this way.


I was not leaving, my night mares were real, they were my past, my now, and my future, I would never leave.


Out of curiosity what do you men her nightmares were past, present and future??

I did get was everything but peaceful. I’m not sure if I even want to go to school, I mean why go,


Wait. does hell have school?? :shock: :shock:
Sheesh why does every place in the whole existence have to have school?? :cry:
Not that school is all bad that is.

Strange and nice story. Interesting. And i see that you have used slang freely. So i suggest you rate this post either PG-13 or R and under the description you could write 'rated for language.'
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"



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