He doesn't know...

He doesn't know,
that I need him.

Need is a word that has to be fulfilled.
Passion is so strong,
It will always kill.

The definition of love is
a profound affection, deep devotion.
Affection makes my toes curl,
devotion makes my thoughts swirl.

Guys are sometimes clueless,
to what goes around us girls.
Our romantic style,
wants to make them hurl.

All of the girls know the answer,
that boys will always request.
Girls are mysterious in more than one way,
that boys would have never guessed.

Heed my gentle warning ladies,
find someone that is new.
Never cry over someone
that will never cry over you.

My first suggestion would be to change the title. Love is a common theme in writing, and especially in poetry, so you need to bring something new to it. Maybe try changing the title to something relevant to the appearance or character of the object of your affections.

You handle the rhyme well, and the layout is good. For the most part the piece flows really well and it progresses nicely from start to finish.

You have some good imagery here but sometimes it gets clouded by cliches. What I'd recommend doing is cutting out any line which you think could fit nicely into a pop song. This is difficult. Love poetry is really tricky as it's so hard to slip into cliche since love is so universal and difficult to articulate, so please don't be disheartend by my comments.

I hope you don't mind if I go through your poem and tweak it as it will be easier to show you what I mean that way-which reminds me, try to show and not tell. E.g, I know now that you love this guy in your class but I have no idea why, or what he's like physically or as a person. I think details like this would be good.

"[s]He doesn't know I'm in love with him.
He doesn't know how much I need him.
I'm all alone, [/s] (I think that, as the starting lines, the lines which draw the reader in, these should be more powerful. Instead of telling us that he doesn't know you love him, show us how he is oblivious. E.g, how does he interact with you. Is he there clapping you on the back like one of the lads while your insides are squirming, or is he walking past you, going through whole schooldays without noticing your presence until you spill your water and it soaks his schoolbag?)
my lights are dimmed. (This is a lovely image.)
I know I'm on my [s]last limb. [/s] ("Last limb" is a bit cliche. How do you physically feel? Can you draw any comparisons? For example, have you ever done the experiment where you shut a plant in the press and see how it fares without sunlight?)
[s]He is my only need. [/s] (This is a little weak. Try to make this a similie or metaphor rather than stating it outright. Why do you think that you need him? Try bringing more of the details of your story into the poem and it will be more evocative for it.)

[s]God, why can't he just see,
I only want him, to want me! [/s] (This is too colloquial, and "want him to want me" and "why can't he just see" are a tad cliche. Try showing us how oblivious he is rather than telling us.)
The definition of love is
[s]a[/s] profound affection, [s]and[/s] deep devotion. This is a great line.)
Why can't he interpret my bizarre notion? (This sounds a little forced. Maybe try this poem without the rhyme. It will free you.)

Everything that I write,
comes from [s]every [/s] each layer of my heart. (These two lines are very good, but can you say anything else other than "heart"? )
[s]I absoluetly know that if we got together,
we'd never part. [/s] (Again, this is a touch colloquial and cliche and I don't think you need it. If you do feel you need to say something like this, maybe try saying how you can be so sure. Is there something he does, or some similarity between you which makes you feel you'd be compatable, or is it instinct? If so, what does the instinct look like, feel like, taste like?)

All of the girls know the answer,
that the boys [s]will [/s]always [s]ask[/s] request. (Think this makes it flow slightly better.These two lines are really fresh and interesting.)
The one guy that's for me,
has always been in my class. (This kind of detail is very good but I think you need to bring it in earlier, and this will give you an opening to describe him as a person, whether in a particular moment or in a broader sense.)

Even though I've loved another,
I've never been untrue. (These are nice lines which flow well.)
[s]Who ever reads this will postively know,
I'll never love anyone new!"[/s] (I think this ending is a little weak, and it's contradictory when coupled with the preceding lines. Remember that the last lines are what the reader is left with, so you really need to make an impact at this point.)

I'd also recommend reading poetry, and particularily love poetry if that's what you're interested in writing. There's a great book called "No Bliss Like This" which goes through...I think it's a century...of love poetry by women writers, and that will let you see the different ways in which love can be handled.

I know this may sound harsh, so please don't get discouraged.Love poetry is really difficult as it's so hard to slip into cliche. This isn't a bad poem by any means, and you lay out your thoughts clearly and skillfully throughout, which is really great.

Hope this helps, and please feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Jas

He doesn't know,
that I need him.

This is a good, strong beginning. You should follow it up immediately with something that leads into the 'story' of the poem. This:

I'm all alone,
my lights are dimmed.
I know I'm on my last limb.

does not, IMHO, successfully continue the theme. The problem is you've started out strong and clear, but in trying to reinforce this by talking about the same thing in the next verse, you're repeating yourself too much. I'd cut the "I'm all alone" stanza altogether -- it's cliche, and it doesn't add to the poem.

The definition of love is
a profound affection, deep devotion.
Affection makes my toes curl,
devotion makes my thoughts swirl.

The first two lines here are awesome and I would like to see them developed further before you switch into how they apply to you. Perhaps remove the last two lines altogether (I have to admit I don't like the rhyme there) and replace them with something else, e.g. "I don't know what else to call/this passionate emotion". This would at least bring your rhyme scheme into line with the rest of the poem.

The one guy that's for me,
has always been in my class.
Whenever he is close to my,
my heart turns into melted glass.

Meh. Impact is diminishing. I could read this in any greeting card. Give me some specifics that reach beyond cliches (never mention glass in a love poem, lol) and make the poem personal. This is about you. How does love make you feel? How is your experience unique?

All of the girls know the answer,
that boys will always request.
Girls are mysterious in more than one way,
that boys would have never guessed.

I'm lost here. What does this have to do with the rest of the poem? What is this mysterious "answer"?

Heed my gentle warning ladies,
find someone that's for new.
Never cry over someone,
that will never cry over you.

"For new" sounds off. Also, you drop into archaic-type language here which doesn't suit the rest of the poem. I like the last two lines, although they're sliding close to being cliche. Pehraps you could tighten up this verse a little.

Overall, I think you've got some potential here, but you need to work on excising the cliches and fixing up the flow of the "story" so that it matches the flow of the words.

Happy editing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hey there!

He doesn't know,

that I need him.

The one guy that's for me,

has always been in my class.

All of the girls know the answer,

that boys will always request.

Delete the commas, they don't belong there.

The one guy that's for me,

has always been in my class.

Whenever he is close to my,

my heart turns into melted glass.

The first two lines are way too telling. The class thing doesn't fit into the atmosphere of the poem – stupidly said, but I can't say it any other way. Or maybe I could, if I tried. And I believe you meant to write "...is close to me", not "my".

Never cry over someone,

that will never cry over you.

I love this part. It's so true I almost cried when I read it. But delete the comma again.


Demeter xx

You had some good elements in here, but something falls short. I'm not sure how much you thought about, "how can I make this topic the best it can possibly be"?

He doesn't know,
that I need him.

You don't need the comma after the first line, first off. I actually liked this. It's simple and gets your theme off to a good start, so at least you were clear and concise.

I'm all alone,
my lights are dimmed.
I know I'm on my last limb.

To a certain extent, you did build off of the theme of the last stanza, but I don't think you built enough. The first statement you made made me feel like this is going to be passionate and yearning for this person. I think you should talk about the person you referred to in the first stanza here.

The definition of love is
a profound affection, deep devotion.
Affection makes my toes curl,
devotion makes my thoughts swirl.

This is nice, but once again I don't think you related to your first or your second stanza enough.

The one guy that's for me,
has always been in my class.
Whenever he is close to my,
my heart turns into melted glass.

You came back onto the theme again here, but watch out for cheesiness. This was on the brink of what I call "force fed Velveeta".

All of the girls know the answer,
that boys will always request.
Girls are mysterious in more than one way,
that boys would have never guessed.

This is nice too, nothing screaming "obvious mistake!"

Heed my gentle warning ladies,
find someone that's for new.
Never cry over someone,
that will never cry over you.

Oooh, this was good. My favorite stanza of the poem. The last two lines in particular are great. They're simple yet powerful.

Overall, good job.