Risen From Ashes: Chapter Three

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Psssst!!! I suggest you start from the beginning. It'll make things alot less confusing!

Chapter One

Chapter Two

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The inside was even bigger than the outside. I just gaped at the creamy marble floor, the dark wood double stairways cascading down in front of me, the seven-foot-tall solid oak doors. It was absolutely stunning.

“Pretty nice, isn’t it?” Javier said from behind me. I nodded.

“Yeah…” My eyes kept scanning the room. Something was freakishly familiar about this. The way the sounds of our footsteps resonated, how the light cast shadows—I just couldn’t place it.

Before I could actually place anything, my hand was once again seized and I was whisked off to the right and through a pair of those large oak doors. On the other side of the doors was a library, an enormous open room lined floor-to-ceiling on all four walls with books. In several spots were large cushioned chairs grouped around a round coffee table. There were two large windows adjacent to the doors, flooding light into the room.

In one of the chairs, in the center of the room, sat an older man, his back to us.

“Dr. Goldman…?” Javier called quietly, as if afraid to disturb all the resting books. The man, Dr. Goldman, turned to face us, standing up in the process. He was pretty tall, taller than Javier, at least. His eyes were a stunning shade of gold, only a shade or two darker than the light emanating from him, and he was bald. But where the sleeves stopped on his plaid shirt, his arms were absolutely covered by thick, dark hair. He certainly did not look like a doctor, though I didn’t exactly know how a doctor was supposed to look. So I simply gawked. After all, I was getting pretty good at that.

“Well, who do we have here?” Dr. Goldman asked in a deep voice. Javier replied, tuned to the fact that I didn’t have much to say and had no clue how to say it.

“I found her a couple of blocks form here. I’m afraid it seems like she has amnesia pretty bad, but it also seem like she’s got something special. I was hoping you would check her out.” As Javier explained, something flashed in Dr. Goldman’s eyes, but instantly disappeared. He walked up to me, examining.

“Well, I’m sorry about your condition, dear.” His voice was oddly comforting, “Do you not remember your name, even?” I shook my head.

“I only remember waking up in an alley, and my head hurt. And there were lights.” Interest sparked in both Javier’s and Dr. Goldman’s eyes, so I elaborated further. I told them about how they came form people, and the colors. I even described the lights coming form them. They looked at each other before Dr. Goldman spoke.

“Interesting,” he murmured as her pulled a small flashlight from his breast pocket and tilted my head back with his free hand to quickly flash the light in my eyes. I blinked a few times, clearing the spots that suddenly appeared.

“Where did you say your head hurt?” he asked me. I pointed to the back of my skull, and his gentle fingers were there, probing the skin until I flinched, jerking my head forward to escape his hand. Tears sprung into my eyes, reacting to the fierce pulsing of the tender area.

“I’m sorry, dear,” he replied, taking his hand back. “Why don’t you come with me? Javier, go find Emerald and tell her to meet me in the infirmary.” Javier took only two steps before a slender figure with long, dark brown hair and bright green eyes appeared at the door.

“I’m here, Dr. Goldman,” she said cheerfully.

“Ah, Emerald. Of course. Come with me.” He looked over at Javier. “Thank you Javier. You’re done here; you can go make yourself useful somewhere else.” Javier, an almost bowing motion, and disappeared out of the room. Dr. Goldman followed closely behind, and Emerald took up my right flank as we followed him.

“Hopefully we’ll be able to figure out who you are,” she told me, the cheerful tone still in her voice. I looked at her as if she was crazy. An apologetic look crossed her face.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess you don’t’ know that, either.” She glanced at Dr. Goldman before continuing, “I’ll tell you when Dr. Goldman says it’s okay. By the way, I’m Emerald…but I’m sure you’ve already figured that out.” She smiled at me.

“Yeah,” I replied, “I would love to tell you my name—but you already seem to know the problem.” She nodded and we stayed silent the rest of the trip. We climbed one of the grand staircases and took a left straight into a room. I had a few seconds to notice the balcony overlooking the entrance hall, and fewer but just as magnificent doors set into the walls before the door closed with a sound of finality. Finality of what, though, I wasn’t sure, and just hoped for the best as I waited for Dr. Goldman to start.

________________________________________________________________________

Questions!!!

1) Too much description? Too little?

2) Does Dr. Goldman seem like a realistic doctor?

3) Is the ending a little too cliched??
Last edited by enjeru on Tue May 13, 2008 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold




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enjeru wrote:Psssst!!! I suggest you start from the beginning. It'll make things alot less confusing!

Chapter One

Chapter Two

_______________________________________________________________________

The inside was even bigger than the outside. I just gaped at the creamy marble floor, the dark wood double stairways cascading down in front of me, the seven-foot-tall solid oak doors. It was absolutely stunning.

“Pretty nice, isn’t it?” Javier said from behind me. I nodded.

Yeah…” My eyes kept scanning the room. Something was freakishly familiar about this
. maybe instead say It felt as though I had been here before, seen something like this place in the past.
Before I could actually place anything
delete this



Dr. Goldman…?” Javier called quietly, as if afraid to disturb all the resting books. The man, Dr. Goldman, turned to face us, standing up in the process.
-- instead say: Dr. Goldman stood up and turned to face us

“Well, who do we have here?” Dr. Goldman asked in a deep voice. Javier replied, tuned to the fact that I didn’t have much to say and had no clue how to say it.

I found her a couple of blocks form here. I’m afraid it seems like she has amnesia pretty bad, but it also seem like she’s got something special. I was hoping you would check her out.”
reword, there's something awkward about the second sentence

IN answer to your questions below
1) Not at all. I thought it was perfect
2)He seems very eccentric (which I think is what you were going for) but he does seem intelligent and I guess that makes him doctor like. Maybe make him a little more serious but I think he's fine
3)I think the endings fine :-)

Well done. Just remember:
1) Watcher the adverbs
and
2) Always show don't tell

Keep up the good work!


________________________________________________________________________

Questions!!!

1) Too much description? Too little?

2) Does Dr. Goldman seem like a realistic doctor?

3) Is the ending a little too cliched??




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1) Too much description? Too little?


Actually, I admire your use of description and its overall fluidity. I especially appreciated the head examination and the subsequent throbbing. Very well done. I also liked the description of Goldman, though I hope he wasn't named for his golden locks. The only other matter I'd like to point out is the introduction of Emerald. Perhaps you could indicate something other than her hair or eye color? Maybe introduce something about her awkward appearance or her thick framed glasses or the potato sack she was casually wearing as a dress?


2) Does Dr. Goldman seem like a realistic doctor?

He seems a bit unorthodox, but that only adds to my curiosity. Good job with the penlight and concern for her injury. Consider me sold.

3) Is the ending a little too cliched??

The ending is a little stale, primarily because the extravagance of her surroundings was already established earlier. I'd love to see something a bit out of place or simply something that the girl notices that causes puzzlement or intrigue.




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Cool, guys!! Thanks!

and, no, ennui, he was not named for his hair. you can breathe again. ~_^
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold



“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell