Young Writers Society

pssst: i recommend you read chapter one before you go on and read this. Trust me, it will make more sense that way!!! ^__^

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I hated pretending. I really do. Dr. Goldman could be eccentric at times, but this was just absurd. It’s one thing to have a couple people play ignorant, but the whole organization? Someone’s bound to slip up, and then we’re all screwed.

But I kept my post. I tended to be optimistic in any situation, and, besides, I was curious to see how this turned out.

Curiosity killed the cat. Wow. That came out of nowhere. I casually shrugged it off. No big deal.

I leaned against the wall, cool but alert, as if I was waiting for someone. Which I was. I checked my watch nonchalantly. Ten forty-five. Lovely, she should be coming to by now. The crowd should hide us.

It was a few more minutes before she half-stumbled out of the alley, looking quietly dazed and confused. I started waling towards her. She was looking around, then up at the buildings, trying to place herself, and completely oblivious to the others around her. I sighed. Here we go.

She practically crashed into me as I approached her; I really didn’t have to do anything. She fell onto the cement.

“Oh, I’m really sorry,” I told her, trying to sound sincere. She just sat there, staring. I gave her a quick once-over: her chin-length, raven black hair was mussed from the tussle last night, and her deep violet eyes were wide and curious. Her clothes were rumpled and bloodstained. Looks like she really gave those guys a run for their money…

I smiled, however. This would be easier than I thought. I knelt down by her and lifted her chin to get a better angle on her face.

“Did I knock over a deaf-mute, or are you just that amazed by me?” I asked, keeping my tone light. I got a small smile out of her.

“I can talk,” she replied, running an eye over me once more, “And I probably look like crap next to you right now.” I chuckled; I couldn’t help it.

“Well, I’m sure after a hot shower that’ll all change. You look like you could enjoy one. And you’re in luck—I know a place that can offer that, and more. If you’re interested.” There. The trap was laid. And she took the bait—she nodded. She glanced down at herself, probably really checking herself out for the first time. She seemed genuinely concerned about her condition.

“So, do you have a name?” I asked, distracting her from her troubling thoughts. Inadvertently, I cocked my head. Wow, this was easier than I thought. She opened her mouth to speak then closed it again, like a fish. But not nearly as homely. She looked confused for a second, then the fear struck her. I saw he hands tremor slightly.

“I—I don’t know.” Her voice trembled weakly. I almost leapt off the ground in joy. It worked!

But, I kept my composure. I made my face slowly fall into serious contemplation. I took a deep breath to calm myself before continuing.

“Well, this is serious,” I muttered, “You should be checked out. Come with me.” I grabbed both of her wrists and pulled her up. She might be small, but she was certainly solid. I then let go of one of her wrists and began to lead her through the maze of the crowd. It didn’t take long to get to our destination, just a few blocks. About halfway there, I realized I forgot something.

“Oh, by the way, I’m Javier," I told her. She sounded like she was coming out of a trance when she answered.

“Oh, well…that’s good to know.” Moments later we arrived at our destination. I abruptly stopped.

“We’re here,” I said warmly. I gave her a moment to take in the large, three story Georgina style mansion with the seraph fountain in the front, bubbling away. “Welcome to Charter Organizations,” I said, leading her in.

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Ok, questions!!!!

1) After reading this, does chapter one make a little more sense?? No?? Advice?

2) Jaiver has a bit of a sophisticated pesonality. Did i do a good job portraying it, or not? Any tips??

3) How is the story itself so far?? Does it really capture your attention? and most of all, does it seem realistic?

4)This isn't really a question, but...yeah, i know it's still a bit choppy. I'll be working on that. But help is appreciated!!!

Thanks for reading!!!! *much love!!*

~enjeru

Reading chapter two has definitely made me want to read more because I wasn't really sure where you were going with it in chapter one.
I still don't understand wants going on in some parts though but i'm sure why will be explained.

as if I was waiting for someone. Which I was

You could make this one sentence with a comma before which because which I was doesnt really make sense.

Javier does seem quite sophisticated so far.

can't wait to read more!

~Blue Fairy

It kinda sounds like Javier is trying to do the girl in. I mean, she doesn't know her own name, and he says, "It worked!"

1) After reading this, does chapter one make a little more sense?? No?? Advice?

Yes, sort of. It provided a reason as to why he coincidentally bumped into her and offered to bring her home.

2) Jaiver has a bit of a sophisticated pesonality. Did i do a good job portraying it, or not? Any tips??

Yes, but I didn't glimpse much of it yet, so I can't really tell you how to make him a bit more interesting.

3) How is the story itself so far?? Does it really capture your attention? and most of all, does it seem realistic?
Yes, it seems realistic. Yes, it caught my attention from the first chapter. As I said, it's quite good.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori

A few typos first -

I started walking towards her.

She looked confused for a second, then the fear struck her. I saw her hands tremor slightly.

About halfway there, I realized I [s]forgot[/s] had forgotten something.

1) After reading this, does chapter one make a little more sense?? No?? Advice?

Yes, it makes more sense.

2) Jaiver has a bit of a sophisticated pesonality. Did i do a good job portraying it, or not? Any tips??

You did well at making him appear sophisticated to the girl through his speech and actions but his thoughts actually made him seem much more immature than he did in the first chapter. I think you need to get rid of sentences like 'I could have jumped for joy' and such. You need to be a little more consistant and have his thoughts follow his personality. Like when you have 'curiosity killed the cat' his reaction to that thought is strange. He shrugs it off? I think a sohpisticated person might think about it more, expand on the theory like -

Curiosity killed the cat. What a strange expression but there's a grain of truth to that. A curious person asks one question too many and has to be... removed. I could see many other possible origins of the expression but I knew there was no time to dwell on such matters.

It's probably not quite the personality you had in mind but do you see how it sounds more mature and controlled?

3) How is the story itself so far?? Does it really capture your attention? and most of all, does it seem realistic?

[color=red]It's good. I think it's still early for the reader to have much of an opinion but it's held my interest so far and I think it will be more realistic when the characters are better known and their motives discovered. There's a nice touch of mystery for now.

4)This isn't really a question, but...yeah, i know it's still a bit choppy. I'll be working on that. But help is appreciated!!!

It is still choppy but it's getting there. I like how you've given the reader two different views on each character and there's the hint of what happened to the girl but it's not explained yet. That's good. I think your character's thoughts need some work and there could be more description but it's good.

ooh, thank you very much!! i wasn't sure on how to portray this part of him, and your advice helps alot. thanks!!!