Icy Paths Chapter 1

Chapter 1
Razors of Death

Rhen smiled at her best friend while folding a shirt. “I’m going to miss you Lila.”
Lila hugged Rhen. “Just promise to write at least once a week. And don’t get a new best friend!”
Rhen chortled. “How can anyone be a better friend than you?”

“Rhen?”
Rhen and Lila broke apart and looked at Lila’s cousin, Lars.
“Yes, Lars?” asked Rhen.
“Bad news about your village.”
The warm smile on Rhen’s face faltered. “What happened?”
“An army attacked your village.”
Rhen’s heart stopped. “Y-You’re joking…. right?”
He shook his head. “There weren’t any survivors…I’m so sorry, Rhen.”

Rhen’s uncertain smile faded. She froze with lips parted. A lump formed in her throat, and her eyes stung with tears.
She shook her head ever so slightly, hoping Lars would burst into a full grin and laugh.
His expression remained dead serious.
“No,” Rhen said in a barely audible voice.
Lars eyes changed to reflect concern. Rhen saw the hint of a tear in one of them, which Lars quickly rubbed.
“NO!” screamed Rhen.
Lily grabbed Rhen’s arm. “Rhen…Rhen.”
Rhen swung her arm out of Lila’s grip and marched up to Lars.
“Not a go
Lars sighed and walked out of the room.
A tear trickled down Rhen’s cheek.
An anguished cry arose from her throat, and she collapsed to the ground. She shook her head, oblivious to Lila’s arms around her shoulder. As the tears dripped onto her skirt, she felt her heart leave with them.



“How did this happen, Lila?”
Lila responded by hugging Rhen tighter.
“How could my whole life be destroyed…just like that?”
Her head dropped onto Lila’s shoulder while her arms hung near her knees.

“Thanks, Lila,” said Rhen. “But I want to be alone now.”
Lila stood up. Taking, slow, sad steps, she walked out of the room and closed the door behind her.
Rhen stood up and sat on one of the two beds in the room. She lay down there and covered herself with the cozy blanket, and cried her disbelief into nonexistence.
Succumbing to the grief, hurt and sadness, she closed her eyes.
ZAP!

Rhen’s eyes flew open.
A tall, fair lady dressed in a pale blue dress was standing near the bed. Her eyes were big and a deep green. Long, chestnut brown hair cascaded down to a little below her slim waist.
“Rhen, I am Sarayen, the Serene One.”
“What do you mean the ‘Serene One’?”
“I am here to tell you something.”
“Now’s not a good time. My family…”
She bit her lip and did not continue, clutching her stomach as her heart sank.

“I know the Brakers were extremely close to you, Rhen. But they are not your family.”
Rhen stared at Sarayen, gaping. “What are you talking about?”

Sarayen waved her hand and an envelope appeared, hovering eye-level with Rhen.
Rhen grabbed it and read the words written in neat, long writing:

To my precious daughter Rhen.

Rhen’s hand trembled a little as she opened the envelope.

Well, I can definitely say I like your ending. You've got good direction and good promise.

With that said! You need to focus more on showing and not telling. A few things I'd like to get up on my soapbox about:

-Setting. There's hardly any of it, just dialogue. Don't be afraid of narration; it gives the reader a better picture of what's going on and strengthens the bond between reader and character. Where are they? What do they look like? Et cetera. But, while doing that, you must also avoid info-dumping. Don't give us all the setting and background all at once; sprinkle it through to keep the action going. As in, "he flipped his long black hair out of his eyes," and the like.

-Characters. Right here you have just a few people doing random things. There's not much of a connection with the reader. We get a brief glimpse at the two main characters and then BAM! One of them has lost her entire family, and then DOUBLE BAM! It's not her family anymore. Slow it down, allow us to get a good feel for the characters and establish an emotional connection with them. Again, show us, don't tell us.

Hope that was helpful! If you have any questions just send me a PM!

-St. Razorblade
The Unofficial YWS Pirate

I like it. I might add some more description around the dialogue; it would help it flow better.

good idea. make some things clearer.
the dialogue doesn't sound very natural or realistic in some parts, you should change the wording slightly.

You have a nice beginning here. I like it so far.
But like the others said, you should probably add a bit more detail to the setting and stuff like that. But other than that it's good.

Oh, and by the way, have you played a game called Aveyond?

Yep, I love that game! Hence the inspiration for my character name, Rhen.

Aveyond never heard of it.

anyway.

Great plot, great story wow.

Rhen swung her arm out of Lila grip and marched up to Lars.
"Not a go
Lars sighed and walked out of the room.

What does that mean anyway?

Well that's all i could get out of that story. Keep writing.

Really? I really love that game; it's my favorite! =D

No wonder your story sounded kind of familiar. It has Rhen, Lars and some other facts from Aveyond's storyline. Not to mention that Rhen and Lars have the same personality as they do in the game. Hehe, can't wait to read more!

Firestalker wrote:Aveyond never heard of it.

anyway.

Great plot, great story wow.

Rhen swung her arm out of Lila grip and marched up to Lars.
"Not a go
Lars sighed and walked out of the room.

What does that mean anyway?

Well that's all i could get out of that story. Keep writing.

Thanks. As for that line, I don't know what happened...

Raika - You do?! Send me a message immediately, Aveyond ROCKS!!!

Thanks for the reviews!

Claps- I rather like this. Can't wait to read more. Now for corrections

“Not a go

what is it suppost to mean?

Lars sighed and walked out of the room.

I don't think a person just sighs after telling someone thier family was killed. Its just not right. Could you use another more approprate word?


also maybe you could add a lttle bit more detail?




^_^ I give you an 8/10 it was neat. I felt some connection with Rhen, Lila and Lars but not alot- but that's ok for the first chapter.

I agree that more details can make you story even better. I'll be waiting for more of this;it's a good read ^-^

A Good start, I can tell you have the story planned within your head, and your grasp of the overall storyboard is good.

However, I would work on the delivery.

Rhen smiled at her best friend while folding a shirt. “I’m going to miss you Lila.”
Lila hugged Rhen. “Just promise to write at least once a week. And don’t get a new best friend!”
Rhen chortled. “How can anyone be a better friend than you?”

Where are Rhen and Lila? In a house, in a barn. Describe their environment, as well as the phyiscal aspects of the characters. Are Rhen and Lila "two young humans, sitting together in earnest in a quiet patio, with an aura of sorrow emanating from Rhen?"

Immerse yourself in the scene, then describe it. The smells, the tastes, the colors, and the sights.

When you introduce the sorrow of Rhen, really hit me in the gut with it. Imagine if your family got massacred. Break my heart. Make Rhen's heart wrench with sorrow, as the weight of a thousand days of mourning push against their beating heart.


Make Sarayen's entrance grand as can be. She seems to be an important character, so give her an appropriate grand entrance. Did Sarayen enter in a flash of light, and suddenly, was there a majestic elven figure, dressed in sparkling robes that shone like the stars, levitating a foot of the ground, before me?

You have good dialogue, now immerse me in the story. Less than 20% of verbal communication is in what we say, so augment your dialogue with vivid description.

I look forward to reading more.